Halo: A Comedy 2 Part 2
Posted By: Tom Murphy<firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: 22 April 2004, 9:21 PM
"John! John! Check this out! You've got to see this! The water doesn't splash! I don't even get wet!"
"What?" said Johnny.
"Look! I jump in it, I crouch in it, I walk in it, yet no splash!"
"Try walking backwards."
Johnny tried walking backwards. "Oh... well... that's weak. He said as he noticed the tiny little footsteps made.
"It splashes when you shoot it, too."
"How do you know all this John?"
"Duh. Everyone knows the common laws of water physics. What's this... 'wet' thing you were talking about? I don't think I've ever heard that word."
Their dull conversation was interrupted by Spider-Tana, "My spidey sense is tingling. There are Marines hidden in various places across this part of the world. Why we have to be the ones to find them all I don't know. I mean, can't they go find each other so that we only have to look for one much larger and stronger group of Marines?"
John thought for a second and then said, "How many Marines are we talking about because I don't think my suit's frame rate can handle much more than 15."
Johnny thought for a second too and said, "Yes."
John slapped him and they proceeded to save the three groups of Marines who had made it off the Pillar of Autumn. When Foe Hammer came on and started talking to Johnny he mistook her for Cortana and said "John! The hooker's on in my helm, now too! And it feels gooood."
Foe Hammer was so offended that she decided to run Johnny over who let out a very weak cry as all his bones were being crushed by the huge metal machine. John hopped aboard with the remaining Marines and Johnny appeared from a burst of yellow light next to him. "Ya know John, I almost feel as though cooperative mode is too easy. I mean, I can die a zillion times and still come back as soon as you get away from the baddies. Bungie should have made it so when you die a certain number of times you stay dead."
John looked at him for a moment and then spoke, "Johnny," he started, "I hate you." then he hit Johnny in the back of the head with his rifle and he died.
A few seconds later he came back. "Why is it that you can unload two clips into me from point blank and I don't die, but if you punch me in the neck I'm down for the count? Why is it that John?"
"I could tell you that Johnny, but then I'd have to kill you. Again."
"Moo." said Johnny.
Eventually, after freeing Keyes from a Covenant ship the two found themselves in a base which was located inside of a dense jungle. On the way there they took pictures with such memorable sites as "Tree Shaped Like Dinosaur" or "Strange Silent Man Perched On Top of Hill Where All Trees Are Two Dimensional". Johnny enjoyed that. But he wished the dinosaur had been real. He remembered a time when he once had a dream about a real dinosaur who was his pet and he named it Martha. They had such good times together... in the dream.
However, John just wanted to get down to brass tacks. He noticed that on the way inside the base a bunch of Covenant baddys came running out because floating guns were shooting at them. He didn't know what to expect. As they made their way through the poorly lit area with blood splattered in every hall they met a man who they nicknamed Storfin.
"Hello, Storfin," said John to Storfin.
But Storfin wouldn't have it. "Get away from me!" Storfin said.
"But Storfin I thought we were friends!" Johnny said, who had obviously been hurt by Storfin's lack of hospitality. "Hey Storfin is this your house?"
Suddenly Storfin got up and said, "Yes."
"Okay," said Johnny and John as they continued on their journey to who even knows where. Eventually, they got to this door and as soon as it opened not only did Johnny disappear from site but a dead body fell into John's arms! "Hello, Jehozifat," said John jovially.
"Bleh." responded the dead body.
"Oh my God!!!! This man is dead!" said John in terror. He decided to pick up a little video recorder but got bored like he does with most movies and fast forwarded to the end. There was a video of some guys talking, and a dead elite and then these balls came out and attacked them all.
John couldn't help but laugh. Don't you think this is a little bit too Half Life? he thought to himself. Anyway, Johnny reappeared and they both got their guns to the ready. Luckily, the leaves had already all fallen down on Halo, and the Legendary season had just ended. Easy season was just beginning and it was apparent as the four small balls burst through the door. "Bet that's the last time that happens in this planet," John said to Johnny.
"But John," if they broke down that door why can't they break down all the doors?"
"Trust me, Johnny, I've beaten this game on every mode. In fact you can just stand here during this time of year and the bad guys will kill themselves. It's Easy."
So they just stood there and the balls exploded as soon as they hit John and Johnny. "Well that was fun! Now let's blow this joint!" said John.
"Sorry, John, I don't blow joints. I'd much prefer a bong if you have one," responded Johnny in an overly mellow voice. Then upon realizing what John really meant said, "Oh. Yeah let's vamoose."
So they left.
Coming up in Part 3:
"Yes John, but three squirrels couldn't possibly take on two covenant star cruisers, therefor circle will always get the square."
"Johnny, I'm telling you, before squirrels died out they were Earth's strongest creature besides man. Records show that chipmunks were responsible for hundreds of thousands of car crashes EVERY year! So if they can get that many cars, I really think they could take some Covies if they teamed up."