Halo: A Comedy 2
Posted By: Tom Murphy<firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: 12 April 2004, 5:38 PM
Halo: A Comedy
The One After the First One
This is not a sequel to my original "Halo: A Comedy". It is only a remake of the first story written all over again for apparently no reason except to draw in a new crowd to my story. Much like what was done with the recent "Texas Chainsaw Massacre". Unfortunately, that movie was way cooler than this because what's her name is extremely hot. I mean... seriously... really hot. Plus it had a chainsaw. Chainsaws are awesome, man.
However, this time the story will be told as a trilogy, due to the obvious success of Lord of the Rings, we feel we should milk the trilogy idea for all it's worth. If you're wondering who 'we' is, stop.
Now, on with the story.
John slowly opened his eyes and saw a man staring at him. The man was babbling on and on about how the ship was under attack and they needed to get out of here or something. "Can I have a bagel?" John asked. He was hungry.
"What?" the man said, "No.. come on we have to cleverly teach you how the controls work in this thing."
"Huh?" John said.
"In this suit, man. Oh yeah, wake up your bud over there. You're playing 2 player I see, so you can just figure out how the suit works by yourself."
"What are you talking about?" John said, baffled as he tried to get Johnny out of his casket. "And why is this room full of this little people baskets if we're the only people in here?"
"Uh... Go read some fan fiction. They'll explain it away."
"Hey what's even going on anymore? We really need some clarification about who's speaking."
"Why? We're standing right next to each other."
"Well sure but this may be confusing to the reader."
John was fed up. "Would you please just go get blown up already?"
"Ya' mean I'm going to die?!" The man was almost panicking.
"Obviously. You don't have a name or even a really deep mysterious voice." Johnny chimed in.
"Darn!" The man snapped his fingers then went and got blown up trying to find a way out.
"I kinda liked him, too." Johnny said.
"Um... never say that again." John responded. "Let's go." They started running.
"Jump over this thing, duck under this thing, turn on the flashlight, follow this guy, inspect these wounded soldiers, get to Keyes."
"Thanks for telling me how you got here, John. I needed to know for next years science fair. I think this year I can really get it! I'll be a star! Oh have these pistols. I'm captain of a huge important ship in the middle of a losing war but I don't keep my guns loaded."
"Okay. Ya' wouldn't to have some music I could listen to would you? I get so bored while fighting." Johnny said.
"Well.. not but I do have this little electronic Phone Sex model. She talks pretty good and I think she'll entertain you well enough."
"Sure, okay." John and Johnny left and various Marines commented on their height, or how glad they were to see them. Eventually, they found they're way over to the escape pods and did exactly that, podded. No, scratch that, escaped.
Unfortunately they accidentally rode the 'short pod' and all of the Marines in there weren't quite right in the head. Especially the pilot who decided to slow down as little as possible during the landing.
Now John and Johnny Sparton were stranded on a foreign planet being hunted by the Covenant. But through teamwork, will power, and hard work, they knew that the two of them and they're phone porn star helper would be able to do anything!
They peered around the planet and couldn't help but notice how textured everything seemed to be. "This is a well textured place isn't it Johnny?"
"Yeah, I hardly noticed at all on the ship. Hey look a water fall, let's go play in it."
They both started moving but were interrupted by the phone hooker. "I sense some Covenant forces coming. Better go get cover by those rocks."
John was confused, "Wait, are you Spiderman or a phone sex lady?"
"Well honestly, I was programmed to be both. But my name is Cortana."
"Oh awesome! I love Spiderman!" Johnny said.
"Yes, Johnny. We all love Spiderman. And I have a feeling we're going to love Cortana." John said and winked.
Then they all shared a good hearty laugh and everything got black and will stay that way until I release part 2.
End Part 1.
Excerpts from Part 2: