The comedy parody (Yes, another comedy)
Posted By: someone that you dont know<firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: 29 April 2004, 12:24 AM
Authors note: Yes another comedy from me. This is a parody of the many comedies out there. I dont mean to insult anyone here so dont take any of the the stuff in this fan fic seriously. A warning to Sentinel, Burny, CoLd BlooDed, and Helljumper, and a HUGE warning to Mr.Revenge
0500 hours April 9, 2563 blah blah blah
Who cares about the location anyways? Moving on now.
####, it's too early. The Master Chief's wonderful dream was abruptly interrupted by his overly annoying alarm clock. "Damn I, was just about to receive a new assault rifle, then YOU happened." Pointing an accusing finger at the "Troublesome Time Keeper." Then the Master Chief hit the clock to turn it off. The casing cracked and split cleanly in two. "Damn, they don't make these "Spartan safe" anymore" realizing his enhanced power and speed had struck the poor thing with enough force to slice it in half. "At least the alarm is off" Master Chief slowly emerged from his cryo tube and expelled the cryo-inhalant on to the floor. "That glob of #### was being recycled through me for over two hours!?! Yechh." The Master Chief got dressed quickly and ran to the bathroom for some Listerine.
"Attention this is the Captain speaking. I want The Master Chief, all the ODST's and all the marines to report to the bridge immediately. The Master Chief still had a mouthful of Listerine when he got those orders, but the Cap said "immediately" so what could he do?
The bridge used to be the mess hall but it got modified for obvious reasons. (Try cramming over a thousand soldiers into a regulation size bridge.)
"Sir!" the Master Chief barely managed to gurgle out those words. And snapped a salute. Seconds later, the ODST's ran in.
"Sir!" All the ODST's saluted in perfect unison. The whole gang was there. Burny, Sentinel, Mr. Revenge, CoLd BlooDed, Helljumper, and (the name is too damn long) Someone That You Don't Know. (Let's shorten it to STYDK) Helljumper wondered in awe. "We are NOT that coordinated. There's no way we could've saluted at the EXACT same time" Helljumper's voice was drowned out by the rush of marines that had just arrived.
"Sir!" The marines saluted.
The Captain spoke. "Ok, you know what's happening. It happens to every frickin ship in the fleet." "Were being attacked by the Covenant again." The whole lot groaned.
"We need something better to do."
"Yea, something new and innovative. Hey! Lets play cards!"
"Yea!" The crowd cheered and rushed toward the doors.
"Not so fast leathernecks!" The Captain barked the order to stop. More groans of discontent. The ship's navigator began the stopping sequence. "Not you, the soldiers." "My apologies sir" and the navigator continued on with his work. All the while, the Master Chief's mouth was burning from the Listerine still in his mouth. His face crumpled in pain; luckily his reflective visor blocked it. When, he could no longer stand it. (Spartans have a breaking point too.) The Master Chief let all of the Listerine out, splashing his visors with the mouthwash from the inside. His suit detected it and quickly dried it out. "I could have done that hours ago!" the Master Chief hated himself for being stupid. The captain resumed speaking. "When you're done killing those bastards, I'm putting you all on scrubbing duty." More moans. "Move out troops!"
It was the same old story. The Covenant would attach their craft to the ship's airlocks and get in that way. Everyone was at his or her positions. "Hey STYDK, you know you can just trade in that fubar piece of #### and get a new one" CoLd BlooDed pointed at STYDK's assault rifle. It was definitely fubar. The whole thing had been duct taped together, and all the screws and internal mechanisms had been replaced with paper clips and glue. "Ghetto style" STYDK would always say. "No one could make me give up my baby" cradling the gun in his arms. "Don't worry, no mean person is going to take you away" STYDK was baby-talking his rifle, CoLd wondered sometimes if STYDK was insane. "Hey be on your guard!" Sentinel yelled at STYDK and he instantly snapped back to attention. Suddenly, an explosion ripped a hole in the ship's hull. The blue flame killed four marines and burned off Sentinel's arm. Luckily it wasn't his shooting arm. Covenant began pouring in. Sentinel was the first to shoot. "DIE YOU MUTHA ######!" Then everyone began shooting. It was the same old routine. Bullets ripped through seven grunts before they had a chance to act. Then, the plasma started flying. One stray bolt of plasma struck a marine and melted a hole through his stomach. He died instantly.
"Switch to shredder rounds!" The Master Chief ordered. (Where did he come from?) The ODST's all followed orders but soon wished they hadn't. Confetti began streaming through the barrels of the assault rifle. "Ok, who replaced our magazines with Joke Magz?" The Master Chief barked an order to stop. Everyone froze, even the Covenant stopped. "Hey! I did the frozen marines trick!" The Captain walked into the battle zone. He walked around the presumably immobile marines. "You know what, I'm going to test the grenade thing, if this trick really worked, the grenades wont blow." He grabbed one of the grunt's plasma grenades and stuck it on Mr. Revenge. Boom. Parts of Mr. Revenge flew everywhere, covering the floor with blood. "Gore Angles!" It seemed like someone had pressed the play button because immediately the Marines began diving into the soup of bloodied internal organs and flesh. "Stop!" The Captain yelled till his lungs almost burst. Someone pressed the pause button "First of all, If Conrad Lauf were here, he would sue, and second of all, the frozen marine trick didn't work!" "Now fight." The play button had been pressed again. Burny pursued a cowardly grunt. "S-s-stand back! I know Grunt Foo!" Astonished by the grunt's idiocy, Burny gave it a nice, hard kick, spraying purple blood all over the wall. "Your Kung-Fu is not strong." "Also, your dead corpse is gonna be buried under piles of dept." (Unless Rouge Elite forgives him.)
TO BE CONTINUED