They're Random, Baby!

Fan Fiction

The Invasion of the NOOBS (part 1)
Posted By: SeverianofUrth<residentpark@aol.com>
Date: 16 July 2004, 12:07 AM

Read/Post Comments

      The exploits of C. Blooded, and the fate of Opening Act...

      First, we'll start with... Corporal C. Blooded.

      "So that's where all the n00bs come out from." Corporal C. Blooded said to the engineer.
      "Aye, sir."
      The machine... It was, by his visual estimate, at least a hundred feet tall, and two hundred feet wide. Various tubes portruded from it's boxlike-exterior, which was coated with white paint that looked like pigeon shit. A giant funnel stood on top of the machine, to which small, fleeting shapes jumped in... and at the bottom, from a small pipe came sliding out the nefarious undead n00bs.
      "It looks like a sausage machine." A diabolical sausage machine, he added to himself. A instrument of tremendous evil...! "And I'm to scale that monstrosity?"
      "Yes, sir." The civilian said. "That monster yonder is one of the n00b-lings, sir. They keep churning out all day long... Our last count stopped at two hundred thousand, sir."
      "Shouldn't they just bomb it?"
      "The Lt. Colonel wants to investigate this, sir."
      "Ah. I see..." He looked down, and with a small scope took a quick recon of one of the n00bs. "A flood of n00bs..."

      Opening Act slid from the shadows, his polychrome camouflage blurring as he lunged out, and stabbed a nearby n00b in the neck. The green, zombie-like being staggered back, green blood streaming out; it fell as Opening Act side-kicked it in the chest.
      It fell with a thump. Opening Act stood over it, pulling his blade out... he happened to take a look at it's milky, green eyes. 'Maybe,' he thought, 'maybe he didn't want to come here... What if he was just a all-Am-!'
      The thing spat in his face.

      "Alright, Corporal! Jump!" The pilot screamed in his ear, as C. Blooded jumped out from the back of the Pelican. A micro-titanium cable, attached to his waist, streamed out with a hiss as he free-fell through the air, headed down to the top of the diabolical sausage machine.
      He landed on the top. He detached the cable, and sent it back up. He unslung the shotgun from his back, and held it up, thumbing off the safety.
      "Hmm..." Nothing. "That's weird..."
      Then the things began climbing up the paint-chipped wall of the machine.

      Opening Act wiped the spittle off his face as he gave the corpse another kick. He had ran out of ammo earliet, and had already buried the rifle itself in another of the n00b-horde's face. And so he was taking them down with his knife...

      "Well, the Corporal seems to be hanging on to things still, sir." The engineer said, peeping through a set of binoculars.
      "How do you know? It's too damn far for those antique binoculars." Sergeant Helljumper said.
      "It's easy to tell, sir. There's alot of little black specks swarming around on the top of the machine, but the n00b-lings have a greenish tint to them, sir. Besides, if the Corporal fell, he'd probably be screaming bloody murder through his comm. link, so we'd know if he's dead."
      He watched as another swarm of the speck fell toppling off the machine. "And he's giving them the best he's got, sir. At least, that's what it looks like."

      Opening Act felt a slow glow of relief rising through his chest like some heilum-infused crystal balloon as his comm. link crackled back to life. He almost greedily turned it to the signal it was on previously- Private Ajax's.
      "Ajax? Hey, it's me, Opening Act! I'm currently stranded behind ene-"
      "You fucking bastard! Because of your porn-hoarding ways, I'm gonna die without ever witnessing a subliminally erotic AI doing a-"
      Opening Act cut the link with a sigh.

      "He seems to be holding on, sir. The Corporal apparently ran out of ammo, seeing as there aren't anymore flashes issuing from one of the specks- but he seems to be doing quite well with just his hands."

      Cold Blooded cursed as he threw off another one of the n00b-lings. He had ran out of ammo, and all he had left was his bare knuckles... something that he had been taught to avoid using if he can.
      He punched another one on the jaws, felt the flesh give way. 'At least they don't have jawbones... I won't be breaking my knuckles on that.'
      A moment later he punched another one, unluckily, on their teeth. His knuckles cracked.

      "Sir, it seems like the Corporal fell down. All the n00b-lings are gatheirng in one gigantic swarm, sir, and forcing someone off the machine- oh, there he goes. You can hear him now over the comm. link, sir. He's finally talking now."
      Sergeant Helljumper thumbed on the comm. link's earpiece. He flinched momentarily as he heard the Corporal's scream.

      They say that one sees his or her life flash past their eyes before dying... This didn't happen to Corporal C. Blooded, mainly because he wasn't dead.
      With a bloodcurdling scream he fell off the diabolical sausage machine... and landed on top of the heaps of n00b-ling corpses. The corpses were mostly soft, which was a blessing.
      "Awww... my back..." The Corporal shifted his body, but stopped suddenly as the corpses... moved.

aboard teh ship BLUEMONKEY stud a tall hunchbaked figul named twinkie. he pased acros the floor as teh dur opened.
"ah my apprentice u hav returned."
"yes my lord"
"Spanish Spartan, my trustd aprentis, hav u forsin the outcum of dis conflict?"
"yes my lord we of the NOOBS shall reign teh planet of HBO forever my lord"

      Opening Act ran desperately, trying to avoid the n00b-patrols. His knife was gone, left buried in a n00b's face; now he was being chased by the goons of NOOB.
      He jumped over a fallen tree, rolled to avoid a falling tree, ducked to avoid a swinging tree, and shimmied up a tall tree. His hearted thumped as he peeked down.
      The patrol seemed to be puzzled. They scratched their heads, hit each other a few times, then went away. Opening Act sighed in relief.
      Then a pink-suited figure blurred into recognizable shape beside him on the limb of the tree...
      "Spanish Spartan! You'll never take- argh..." Opening Act flailed around a little as Spanish Spartan unhiged a part of his helmet, and let out a putrid breath laced with euthanasia...

      Opening Act woke up inside a dark room, tied to a chair. A figure clothed in black strode back and forth...
      "Ah, a soldier of HBO. A new recruit?"
      "You'll never fucking take me alive-"
      Actually, we have." The figure chuckled. "You know, we know the perfect torture for you people... It doesn't involve testicles, hot irons, nor does it involve a spinal-tap. No. Let me demonstrate for you."
      The figure put a earphone over Opening Act's head, and as he wondered what manner of foul deeds they would put him through, the figure turned the earphone on...

and somastercheif kiled several thousand grunts with his rifle and took out a sarge and turnelrjo over a ghost and killed a guy and took a guy and ate some burotios and bonked with cortana and whatnot-


Up Next: The Rescue Mission of Nick Kang, End of Opening Act, Escapades of C. Blooded, HEV-surfing by Helljumper, and more, more, more!