The Invasion of the NOOBS (prologue)
Posted By: SeverianofUrth<email@example.com>
Date: 13 July 2004, 3:01 AM
In the black void of space, a renegade fleet of Covenant battle ships, their names all devoid of capitalization or correct spelling and grammar, sailed the nethers of the galaxy, searching for somewhere to land...
Somewhere, where they might spread again the same scourge of ignorance and idiocy.
They were called, by their former Covenant brethren who were both vengeful and fearful of them, the NOOBS.
"Atten- shut! I am Career Ship's Sergeant Helljumper, your company commander. When you speak to me, you will say "sir." When you speak to your superiors, be it you like them or you feel a certain sense of hatred towards them, you will still, and always without failure say "sir." When you see these goddamn stripes, you shit-faced monkeys, you will shout "sir!" He looked around, at the cowering rows of recruits. He snorted, and shook his head. "How many men can a Pelican carry, soldier?" He looked around. "Is there anyone man enough to answer me?!"
A small, rat-faced boy, raised his hand. Sergeant Helljumper looked happy at this. "Yeah, you there!"
"Uh... 56, sir?"
"My sweet God! What the fuck were you doing in school, boy? Haven't you played your requisite time of battle simulations? Anyone else know the answer?" Silence reigned.
He sighed- "Fine, fine. What did I expect from a bunch of egg-faced, humpty-dumpty little kids anyways? A easy question now- what's a difference between a squad and a squadron?"
Silence stood out like a road sign, painted in garish red and lettered with big, black letters the word "FUCK!"
"A squadron- you damn attention-deprived idiots- is reserved for--"
A klaxon began to ring; the sound calling everyone to battle stations.
Pink vessels began entering the atmosphere of the planet HBO.
"Ah- it's about time you got here." mr.bill, Lt. Colonel of the HBOARMY, said as the various officers of the Camp Pariah entered the office. "We have a certain situation here, it seems."
"I got a fresh batch of kiddies, sir. All waiting outside, milling about like a bunch of civilian ants they are." Said Helljumper.
"Right, sergeant. I won't keep you here for a long time, be assured. Although by the time this is over we will all be wishing for more time." replied mr.bill.
"Right now, as of 0900, certain vessels numbering hundreds entered the atmospheres of our planet." said mr.bill. "Here's the message they sent us-" He turned, and turned on the small black recording device next to him.
"I SHALL DESTORY U FAGGS ALL N BECOME A RULER OF HBO!"
"Hey, brother, got a cigarette?" Asked Severian, a private of no relative worth. "Or rolling paper if you could spare..."
The man turned, and Severian gulped as he saw the man's stripes. "Isn't this supposed to be a no-smoking facility, private?"
"Aye, I mean, sorry, sir." Severian shuffled away, glad to get away without some kind of a punishment. I should watch out for that fucker, he thought. He took a quick peepette at the Corporal's nametag.
OpeningAct, dressed in polychrome camouflage gear, crept through the forest with his S2AM rifle, and
took perch upon a limb of a giant tree, a behemoth of considerable age. He nestled himself comfortably on the limb, and carefully laid the rifle across his knees- awaiting his prey.
"Currently, orders have been made to stake the landing ground of their vessels with snipers and entrenchments of marines." Said mr.bill.
"Ah, sir? Wouldn't the enemy simply glass the landing zone to secure a safe landing?" asked Nick Kang, a gunnery sergeant.
"That would be the standard procedure, sergeant. However, their reputation has raced over already to our own intelligence operatives- they have, let's say, a certain reputation for... unorthodoxy. Their tactics simply involve, as the past actions have shown time and time again, simply overwhelming the opposition with massive numbers of brainwashed legions- quite effective, as idiots seem to be born every second of the day." Replied mr.bill.
"So what's the strategy then, sir?" Asked major STYDK.
"We simply wait- and pray that their scourge of stupidity does not crush us with their numbers."
"So, Opening Act, what's the news then?" Asked Private Ajax, over the comm. link.
"Well, they found the nude holomovies under the floorboard of my bunk, and so they took it- 'for perusal of evidence,' they said."
"Seriously, man! I mean, they took the "Cortana Files," too!"
"Hey, you bastard, you said you didn't have that!" yelled Ajax, still immobile in his sniper's nest.
"Well... I had to use it." replied OpeningAct. He quickly cut off the comm. link between him and Ajax.
"Here you go." Lone Wolf, a shady character who happened also to be a corporal, handed Severian, a drug-thirsty ex-junkie a small tablet wrapped in celophane. Severian took it gratefull, and handed him the credits. Lone Wolfe nodded, smiled, and walked away, humming "Riders of the Storm" as he counted the money.
Severian took the pill out of it's casing, and crouched near a dark corner, and examined the pill. It was yellow, dusty, old, and said 'LYXSD.' A potent hallucinogen, he knew. He popped it in his mouth, swallowed, and waited.
"Wow... I didn't know elves existed..."
Meanwhile, inside the NOOB fleet, aboard the flagship thebluemonkey stood a tall, hunchbaked figure named Twinkie.
"master they got our message!" said a small, nameless minion.
"Good... soon all of HBO shall know my wrath..."
(that was just the prologue! await for the awe-inspiring second part!)