Untitled Boredome Improv Story #2
Posted By: Mainevent<firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: 15 September 2003, 2:20 AM
"Your honor, I would like to motion the court to a brief recess."
Rob pleaded with the Captain who had been named judge in this strange court case. The fact that there was a mock-court case onboard of a UNSC capital ship during the middle of a battle was strange enough, the fact that a human was suing for copyright infringment was another.
"Motion granted, court will resume in ten minutes or whenever the battle for Earth is over."
Rob thanked the judge and walked from the room. Outside he saw the elite who had tried to kill him earlier eyeing him suspiciously.
"You can't kill me until the case is over, and if I win you can't kill me ever."
"Wort wort wort." Was his only response.
"Say that to my face numbnuts."
The elite, towering a foot over Rob walked up to him, stared into his puny human eye holes, and then said:
"Wort, Wort, Wort."
"Aww hell naw. It's on."
Rob and the elite walked down several corridors and through a large partition. Rob turned around as he noticed that they were outside.
"What in the hell....."
The doorway from whence he came was still there, and he could see the other marines walking back and forth inside of the ship, but he was inside of a snow covered valley.
The cries of help caught his attention as a marine sprinted over to him.
"Help us, we're pinned down against ferocious odds, and we can use every man we can get."
"Yea, you are desperate."
"No time for gay jokes sir, just get behind me and this won't be hard."
"...no time eh?"
The elite chuckled to himself and the marine shot a crisp glance at him. The elite went silent, looked around and rubbed his neck with his large hand.
"SO marine, how bad is it?"
"Well, the covenant have four Wraith mortar tanks, five banshees, sixteen ghosts, ten shadows, thirty two elites, seventy five jackals, over three hundred grunts, five hunters, and twenty brutes."
"Oh, is that all. And how many do we have?"
"....our warthog's broke and George doesn't know how to fire the LAAG."
"So it's me, you, George, and the elite against a small division of covenant with a broken jeep and a gun that doesn't work."
"You got the jist of it."
Rob stood dumbfounded for a moment before looking at his elite counterpart for any advice. He was nowhere to be found.
"Damn you 'Nottachance, where are you."
He saw the alien figure running back through the portal and into the ship.
"He just went into the ship sir."
"Wait, you mean you can see the ship?"
"Well, it is a big door full of glowing machinery and people running back and forth."
"Then why the hell don't you just run in there?"
The marine stood there for several seconds, looked back, saw George fiddling with the gun, and then looked back at the door.
"Right...." He ran off into the door, and stood at a monitor pretending to work. Bullets wizzed by Rob as George finally managed to get the LAAG to work. Rob hit the ground as a bullet ricocheted throughout the ship and killed several crewmen.
"Watch it with that thing will you."
George could only shoot in circles and Rob used this to his advantage. He made a mad dash for the door several times before finally getting there, and then shutting it behind him.
"What the hell was that guy's problem?"
"Yea, he just got here so he didn't have time to read the FAQ."
Rob glanced around for 'Nottachance, who he found standing inconspicuously at one of the monitors, a lab coat sloppily hung over his shoulders.
Rob tapped his back once, and was rewarded with a loud scream.
The rest of the crew inside of the room began wailing as well.
Rob slowly backed out of the room, and then ran back to the Courtroom, where the proceedings had already begun.
"Sergeant B, where the hell has this man been?"
"This cock-fucking bitch ass whore shit cockity cock do fucker whore bitch was taking a walk sir."
The judge stared at the Sergeant blankly, then at Rob.
"Would you like to tell me where you've been in english?"
"I was taking a walk."
"Oh, I see."
"Thats what I motherfucking cock biter ass jammer said." Sergeant B told the man.
"Why are you so hostile towards this man Sergeant?"
"I just don't like Spartan's in fanfics, thats all."
"Oh, well, whatever."
Rob spoke up, "I'm not actually a Spartan, just in name."
Sergeant B only glared at Rob.
"Your day will come Spartan, your day will come."
"Now Rob, tell me what who it was that let the virus loose?"
Rob scratched his head for a moment before responding.
"pssssst, sir, wrong story." A man called out.
"Oh yes, yes, my mistake, carry on. What did you find on Cerap?"
The same man shook his head, and the Captain changed the subject once again.
"How did you overcome the odds in the fight for Bravo base."
"Jesus Captain, he's here over the name rights to the story." THe man called out.
"Oh, yes, yes, of course. I knew that. Well, what is your name?"
Rob answered quickly in order to keep the Captain from changing the subject once more.
"My name is Rob."
"Well then Rob, what's the big deal?"
"My name isn't in the title of this story, and as such, I am available to die at ANY time in this story. I also have one ornery ass elite after me."
"Makes sense, If I had an ornate brass I would be after you too."
"I said ornery ass sir."
"Don't make me hold you in contempt soldier."
A sigh went up from the watchers and several left the room.
"Do you want to save the whales Rob?"
"If they weren't all extinct, yes sir, I would."
"Good answer. I hereby allow you, Rob, to have your name in the title of this story, and as such allow you to live so long as the writer feels the need to have you alive. Also, I am naming you Queen of the Amazons, and giving you my Golden Thong to help you in battle."
".......did you say thong?"
"Yes, you do not wish to be the Queen of the Amazons?"
"I really have to go sir."
"Second door on your left."
"No sir, I mean I need to leave."
"Oh alright, but now who's gonna be the Queen of the Amazons?"
Several people, including Rob, ran from the room, and the captain was left searching for a suitable replacement.
"Ahh.....Sergeant, would you like to....."
"I would love to sir."
Tune in next time for: "Rob meets the Harlem Globetrotters"