When Worlds Collide 2.5
Posted By: Gasmask
Date: 15 January 2003, 4:39 am
What should have been in "WWC 2"
Quick disclaimer: This, like my other two WWC stories, is a parody. So, no sue Gasmask, right Mr. Python? Right? Gulp. Anyhoo, here goes.
>Continued from last story<
It turns out, readers, that the Master Chief was not staring at a laughing golden elite. He was staring at a laughing Anakin Skywalker, wielding a light saber.
"Yo, yo, wait a minute, here, Gasmask!" the Chief yelled.
"Yeah, what is it?"
"This is supposed to be a rehashing of that awful 'When Worlds Collide 2' that you made when you were half asleep, isn't it?"
"Well yeah, but I want to give the people their money's worth in the story. New tale time, man."
"You're not getting paid for doing this crap!" the Chief shouted back.
"Look, you'd better keep a respectful tongue in your head, or I'll do something really nasty."
"Yeah, like what?"
"Imagine fighting the Covenant in a pink tutu, prancing about on your tippy-toes."
"No. Please, no. Anything but that! I'll be good, I promise!"
"Ok, just remember what is waiting for you if you break that promise."
"Yeah, yeah. Look, can we hurry this up? I've got a date in a few hours."
"Ok. Back to our story."
Anakin Skywalker just laughed. "I killed them all! It was awesome! The men, the women, the Tusken tots, I KILLED THEM ALL! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" The maniacal Padawan looked up at the MC, examining his new adversary.
"Ooh, cool. George, do I get to kill this guy too?" Anakin asked.
George Lucas stirred in his director's chair. "Um, no, Ani. I think you'll just have a cool fight scene in which this um...new, un-casted character kicks your butt, but then Jar Jar comes to your rescue."
"Oh, grand," Anakin said. "I am dead. So, are you some sort of clone trooper? Or are you a bounty hunter? Or another Sith bad guy?"
"I'm a Spartan, a 400 pound cybernetically enhanced super soldier, and I am going to KICK YOUR SCRAWNY LITTLE ***!"
"Bring it on!" Anakin yelled as he rushed the Chief with his light saber. The young Jedi swung, and brought the weapon down on the Spartan's head. Only, it didn't go through the Chief's shield.
"Oh...crap..." Anakin whispered. Just then, the Chief kicked Anakin between the legs. The doofus Jedi began to sing a high C#, breaking George's martini glass.
"Oh, now Ani, look what you've done!" George said softly. "You've made my martini spill all over the only copy of the script!" The director held up a large, fly infested pile of dog poo, which was now covered with a martini with an olive on the top. "This was my best work, too! I'm very, very disappointed in you."
"I'm sorry," Anakin said, his voice squeaking like one of the mice from "Cinderella."
"Don't be sorry. Just don't be," George growled.
"WHAT?" Anakin screamed.
"I mean I want that Spartan guy there to rip your head off. Mr. Spartan, if you please."
"My pleasure," the Chief said as he rushed the shrimpy Jedi.
"Please, don't hurt me!" Anakin pleaded as he bounced up and down in pain. The Chief kicked him in the nuts again.
"No little 'Luke's or 'Leia's for YOU, mister!" the Spartan laughed.
"Please," Skywalker pleaded, "Kill me quickly. I'm in so much pain."
"ANI! ANI! Mesa is heresa! Mesa is hersa to savea yousa!"
Oh, no, the chief thought, Not this guy.
"Jar Jar," Anakin squeaked, "Help me... please!"
"Howsa?" the Gungan asked, "Mesa no think mi can take on himsa!"
"Here!" the Master Chief said, "Put this apple on the top of your head, and stand next to that big rock!"
"How will thatsa help himsa?" the buffoon asked.
"He'll run over to you and snatch it off of your head when he's hungry. No go do it!"
"Yesa, mista Spartansa!" The Gungan obeyed, and trotted off towards the rock. "Ok, mi is ready!" he yelled.
"Good!" the chief responded as Anakin rolled in pain, "Just stay there!" Slowly, the Spartan took out his sniper rifle from his pack, and loaded the weapon.
"What if you miss?" Cortana asked.
"I won't," the soldier growled. He aimed for the base of the apple, and fired. At the rock, Jar Jar fell dead, a bullet straight through his brain.
"You missed!" Cortana whispered.
"Who says?" the Chief laughed. He turned again, and saw Anakin fall to the ground.
"My midicloriens," he sobbed, clutching his crotch. "My midicloriens!"
"Ok, now to deal with you." In a swift motion, the Master Chief punted Anakin Skywalker 500 yards through the air. The Jedi apprentice fell into the Pit of Carcoon. All the Sarlac did when it was finished swallowing was heave a tremendous belch.
"Always two there are," a small, raspy voice said from behind the soldier, "A cyborg, and a construct. No more, no less." The Chief turned, and saw Yoda's slumping body hunch towards him.
"Hey, it's the Mexican jumping bean master of the Force!" the Chief said.
Yoda frowned. "Careful, be you," the Jedi Master said as he made his way to the other side of the set, "Do not mock Yoda. Yoda must bathroom to go."
The Chief only stared. "Um, ok. Look, I know a speech therapist..."
"Bad as Captain Kirk, I am not," Yoda said. "Hmmm? Hehehehehehe. Relief I need. Yes. Relief. Too full, my bladder is."
Suddenly, Weird Al Yankovic came out from behind a rock, and began to sing. "Yoda! Yo, yo, yo, yo, Yoda! Yo, yo,yo,yo, Yoda! Yoda! You look like a Toada! To, to, to, to, toada! To, to, to, to toada! Yoda!"
"Death you will get," the little green man growled, "If your song you do continue!"
"Oh, ok," Al said. "Well, I've got to do something now that I'm here. I've got it! 'Amish Paradise'!"
"Whatever," Yoda said, "Move your butt, you must, so go to the bathroom, Yoda shall."
"Cool. Ok, here goes. 'As I walk through the valley where I harvest my grain, I take a look at my wife, and realize..."
The Chief screamed. "Gasmask! Will you please get me out of here?"
"Sure, sure. No problem. Back you go!"
And with that, the Chief disappeared in a puff of smoke, and all was better in the world of Star Wars.