Shadows of....My Ass (yet another comedy)
Posted By: el_halo_diablo<firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: 22 December 2002, 2:00 am
Authors note: Yes this is a comedy that pokes fun of other fan fics(mostly 'Shadows of Archon') and daily life. Thanks much to Wado for making such a great fan fic that I can bag on(don't worry, I asked him if I could...sucker). If you don't read that many fan fics, it's ok, you'll still understand it, so red-I mean- read on.
(scene opens with the camera view on a table, showing a pair of hands, holding a Covenant Elite Doll, and a Princess Doll)
"Die Princess!" Someone said, moving the Covenant Elite action figure around.
"Oh no,"The person said in a feminine voice, moving the princess action back on fourth,"Please don't hurt me!"
The person moves the Master Chief action figure onto the table and speaks in a masculine voice,"Don't worry, I'll save you!"
The person's hand moves the Master Chief's figure"Pow! Pow!", and hits the evil bad guy elite, knocking him over on the table.
"Ha ha ha."The person said, imitating Master Chief's voice,"You'll never defeat me."
The person changed his voice back to the princess,"ooh my hero."
(camera zooms out to show it's the Master Chief playing with the dolls)
"Kiss me." He said in a passionate feminine voice. He brought the Princess doll and the Master Chief doll together, and made smooching noises.
Just then, Val sung the door open, looking into the room,"Master Chief?"
"WHAT?!?" The Master Chief screamed, and threw the dolls off of the table.
"They need you on the bridge sir." Val said.
The Master Chief looked at the dolls that he was hiding in his lap,"Did you see anything?"
Val rolled her eyes,"No sir I did not see you playing with your dolls again."
"Verywell,"The Master Chief said,"lets go to the bridge."
The Master Chief walked off the set, and onto the the Bridge set.
The Movie producer shook his head at him.
"What?!" The Master chief said innocently to the producer.
"Sir we're taking heavy fire!" The Captian said.
"We're screwed , man we're screwed!" A crazy marine by the name of Old Man Parkinson, ran around the room insanely.
The Captian used his Windows 95 computer to scroll over to show the large Covenant ships just in front of their ship.
"What do we do?" The captian asked Master Chief.
"WE CAN DO NOTHING! WE'RE SCREWED!!!" Old Man Parkinson screamed.
The master chief calmly took the mouse, and dragged a box around the covenant ships to select them all. The Master Chief then right clicked, and pressed the delete button.
Suddenly, the Covenant ships we deleted and sent to the Recyle bin.
"Oh." the Captian said,"Then can you get rid of this annoying crazy guy?"
Old Man Parkinson was selected by the mouse,"I think he has a better place to go," The Master Chief said, and sent Old Man Parkinson onto an attachment, and emailed it to Martha Stewart.
(Scene switches over to the Martha Stewart Show)
"Here today,"Martha Stewart happily said,"We are going to find out how much stolen money I can pull out of my ass. I'll teach you the correct technique, and in no time, you'll be pulling money out of your ass like a pro."
Martha Stewart's email notified her of a new email, and she opened it. Old Man Parkinson jumped out, and began to scream.
"Don't make me angry!"Martha stewart said, as her face got red, and her voice got deep. Martha stewart opened a hole in the floor, and Old Man Parkinson fell down to hell.
"HAHA!"she laughed,"not only am I The queen bitch, I'm Satan." She then went back to normal,"Now where were we? Ah yes, first you need a pair of plyers.
(Scene switches back over to the Master Chief on the bridge)
Master Chief went to delete the Covenant in the Recyle bin, but the computer froze,"Damn Windows 95's!" The Master Chief said to himself, and got up, and left the set.
The Producer threw his script on the floor, and Master Chief just shrugged, and moved onto the prarie backdrop where he acted like he was riding a horse.
After about 5 hours of acting like he was riding a horse, The Master Chief was tired, and walked to his room set(or stage or whatever you want to call it), But saw someone sitting in his chair.
"Who are you?" The Master Chief said, grabbing the princess doll, and pointing it at the person, like a weapon.
"Excuse me, but I am A being called an Archon, my name is Catsulduvlehundra(from Shadows of Archon).
The Master Chief looked at the strange being,"Hey I know what Archons are, I've played Starcraft before..."
"No you idiot I'm a-"
"no no no, You guys do that crazy-ass whoosh thing." The Master Chief said smiling,"And since I can't pronounce your stupidly long name, I'll just call you Cat."
Just then, Valerie came in,"hey."
"Val I don't want to call you by your long name because it's too long."The Master Chief said.
"But my name is only-"
"too long" Master Chief said.
"I'm outta here-"
"With a cherry on top."
"Cya later Cat...sulduv...er..ah i give up on your name."
Master Chief continued to block out Val,"Peanut butter jeeeeeelley, Peanut butter Jeeeeeelley, peanut-butter-jelly, Peanut-butter-jelley with a baseball bat."
As Valerie walked out the room, another being came in,"Hello Master Chief, my name is crapseldernavelprongnasia."
"Well,"MC said,"Since I abbreviate everyone's stupidly long names, I'll call you Crap."
Another person came in,"My name is Toejammuthafethberry."
"ok, so...I guess I have to call you Toe Jam."
"Ok sounds good to me." Toe jam Said,"Oh and the others are wating for name abbreviations also."
"Others?"MC looked out the door and there was a large line of strange creatures all waiting for abbreviations.
"Master Chief, my first name is Wu, can you abbreviate it?" little kid asked.
"Sure...it's um...." The Master Chief thought for a long time, and after about 30 minutes of silent thinking, he lifted his foot, and kicked the little kid out.
"Hey, Master Chief?"Just then, the Nomdian by the name of The Lady(so i guess she's not a guy...either that or she got some kinda nomdian sex change done to her/him) came out of nowhere,"Do you know whatever happened to Max And that Strange Lizard dude on 'Return of the Archons'?"
The Master Chief looked confused,"...No I don't, lets ask go Wado."
"Ok, but his house is a ways away from here." The Lady(or so she wants you to think he is.) said.
The Master Chief looked at The Lady,"excuse me my Lady? Have you been eating too many crackheads latley? Don't you have some kinda magical dust that shoots out of your ass that can get us there?"
The lady thought hard,"Hmm, lets find out..." The Lady clenched hard but nothing happend,"oh thats right, I ate my Beano today, sorry it looks like we'll have to walk."
Master Chief shrugged, and walked off the set and into the set of Wado's house.
The two of them went inside Wado's house littlered with Star Trek posters, and a bunch or porno magazines titled 'Necrophiliac'.
The MC had to turn around, and pull The Lady off of some of the Necrophiliac magizines.
"Motion Sensor shows that Wado's behind this door." Cortana said.
"Hey good to know you're still in there Cortana." The Master Chief said.
"Shutup, and break it down." Cortana said.
MC started spinning on the floor, doing some insane dance moves.
"NOT BREAK DANCE YOU IDIOT!" Cortana screamed at the Master Chief,"BREAK DOWN THE DOOR!"
The Master Cief got up, puled The Lady off another set of 'Necrophiliac' and said to her,"Send Cortana's chip to a burger restraunt, and tell them she can work as cashier."
The Master Chief kicked open the locked door, to hear singing from a shower just beyond the other door.
"And IIIIIIIIIIIIIIII, Will always looove yooooooooooooooou." Wado Sang in the shower.
MC turned to The Lady, and raised an eyebrow,"He's singing 'Bodyguard' by Whitney Houston?"
"Can't talk,"Lady said,"too busy looking at 'Necrophiliac'."
Wado's singing changed to Britney Spears,"oops I did it again, I played with your heart, got lost in the game, oh baby baby..."
"Ok I can't stand this anymore," The Master Chief said, and stormed into the bathroom.
"IIIYEEEEEE" Wado screamed like a girl, and wrapped a towel around him.
"Can you stop singing?!?!" MC screamed at him, and raised his gun at Wado's head.
"STOP!" Wado said, and began to sing,"...in the name of the law."
"Uugh" The Master Chief grew weary of Wados poor singing, and shot him.
Wado fell to the ground, bleeding, but was still singing"It's like I can't wake up it's like I can't get up, It's like I can't-"
"Thanks Ian" The Master Chief said to me.
Well hey what else was I supposed to do? He was ruining a good song.
"Which song?" The Master Chief asked me.
Just then, the producer ran onto the set,"WHAT THE HELL! YOU JUST KILLED WADO!!!"
Meh, He finished 'Shadows of Archon' anyway.
"But but, you kill-"
heh heh, I love being in control of this story.
"Uh," The Master Chief said,"Is anyone still here?"
"helloooooooo?" MC said.
"...I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts, there they are standing in a row, big ones, small ones, ones as big as your hea-"BANG!!!