The Mis-adventures of master chief: part 5: The Final Rant
Posted By: el_halo_diablo<firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: 26 August 2002 3:47 am
-Hey guys this is Stephen,(a.k.a. "le_halo_diable"), Ian (a.k.a. "el_halo_diablo" a.k.a. "the great joker" a.k.a. "garbge boy(dont ask please)" a.k.a. "Im running out of aka's for this sadistic bastard!" a.k.a ."I wish I can stop doing these a.k.a's" a.k.a. "Oh great I think they stopped, yay" a.k.a. "DAMMIT IAN GET OVER HERE!).-
-I (a.k.a. CANT STOP THIS DAMN A.K.A. MACHINE!!!)
-(a.k.a. This one!)-
Um THATS the printer.
- (a.k.a. oh thats why it kept printing my nude pics of MC-I mean! My homework...yah thats it!...my homework...)*looks around suspiciously*-
Mabye it would help If you stopped pressing the word a.k.a. every time you start a sentence.
-(a.k.a. now thats just crazy talk)-
"HEY!" MC yelled at me,"NOTICE THE TITLE: MIS-ADVENTURES OF MASTER CHIEF...NOT EL_HALO_DIABLO!!!!"
MC and Nic-nac walked into 'Greasy's' to find the lines extremly busy.
"Wow 343! whats the main attraction here?" He asked to 343 GS.
"Well It seems that in the second part of your series, you took a dump in one of my burgers!"
"I have no Idea what your talking about." Mc said looking around.
"Oh be quiet, el_halo_diablo told me when I was giving him instructions on how to type."
"is ths treu" MC askd mi
ys et is.
"wy didd u doo dat two mi" MC askkde myeshelf
i neded two larn hoy too typie.
"Wow you type almost as bad as 'Sarge' does in peoples comments on HBO." MC commented to me.
Hey I'm not THAT bad of a typer.
~wats thrt yer talkeng aboot?~
--Did someone say my name?--
NO, who are you anyways?
"Yah who are you anyways? You look like a cross between an ameboa and an ugly sloth." Mc inqired.
"No no..." Cortana said at the register,"more like a satnic rocker that was brutally mauled by an ugly stck."
"Eh,"343 said,"it looks like what an owl barfs up after it has eaten it."
"hmmm," said Nic-Nac,"whatever it is....its pretty damn ugly."
"UH-HUH!" Everyone in the intire restaurant said at once.
--Be quiet guys thats not funny. You know that kinda stuff hurts my feelings--
"Wait a second...I know who it is!" MC said trying to hold back from laughing.
Who is it Master Chief?
MC rolled his eyes,"I'll give you a hint,"he drew a big breath," *GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE* GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE* GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE* GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE* GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE* GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE* GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE* GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE* GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE* GE*GE*-"
Oh duh...its Shadow! You know MC, those gay sound affects gave it away.
"*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE-What? oh yah I know. why would someone make three paragraphs of *GE*GE*GE*GE, I think all the readers got the point on the first paragraph!"
--Oh jeese dont be mean to me! Jeese guys--
Im sorry Shadow, It's just everytime I hear your name, I hear *GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE*GE* Ahaha.
and again the whole crowd in 'greasy's' said,"UH-HUH!"
---hey do you mind if I write a little of your story?---
Oh hey Jaywhit10, sure you can write a piece. Go ahead.
---ok here goes...---
"Hey cortana whats happenin?" "not much how about you?" "not much" "oh hey there!" "hi" "who?" "how many people are talking in this?" "who's talking?" "me" "who?" "what?" "LOOKOUT!" "what?" "Who?" "not you" "me?" "NO!" "Im going to make you die" "me?" "now I dont even know who Im going to kill!" "what?" "am I the only one confused in this story?" "no" "who is confused?" "im am." "who?" "me?" "ummm Im not sure anymore..." "Mabye it would help if Jaywhit10 put other things in here discribing who was talking and what was happening." "SHUTUP!" "hey it was just a suggestion" "hi guys" "dammit now I'm even more confused" "who? ME?" "I guess" "i dont care anymore" "please kill me Jaywhit10! I dont wanna live in this agony!" "who wants to what?" "goodbye cruel world-errm story" "did that person just die?" "Im not sure, nothing explains whats going on" "who said that?"
Um you have a very....interesting way of writing. Can you please tell me what just happened?
---MC said "Hi" to cortana---
---yep, aren't I impressive?---
Yah it's a work of art...ANYWAYS
"So anyways," 343 guilty spark said to MC," you took a dump in my burger and put it back under the heat lamp. I didnt know about the crap burger until one of my customers took a bite out of it."
"Oh 343 im really sorry about that." MC said to 343 with a guilty look on his face.
"What are you talking about?" 343 replied shocked,"you made me millions. The customer took a bite out of the burger, and LOVED IT! Ever since, tons of people have been demanding the crap burger! since you were not here anymore, I had to subsitute your's with horse maneur!"
Just then a customer came to the cash register and said," I want an 'MC Crap burger...WITH EXTRA MAYO!"
MC shuddered and saw that the cash register employee wasnt Cortana and then said,"hey where's Cortana?"
"Oh well she got a promotion!" 343 said happily and pulled MC towards the back of the store,"wanna see what she's doing now?"
343 opened the doors to find Cortana scooping horse maneur with robotic hands.
"Hows your job Corty?" MC asked Cortana.
"Crappy...Literally it is crappy. It was one thing for 343 to give me this job, BUT DID HE REALLY HAVE TO GIVE ME SMELL RECEPTORS?!?"
"Wow that is crappy." MC commented.
"Almost as crappy as a PS2."
"yah heh heh, have you ever heard of a good multiplayer game on that console- oh wait, thats right, they only have two controller ports!"
"Hey If you like Mary-Kate and Ashley you'll want to buy playstation, CAUSE THEY HAVE TWO OF THOSE GAMES."
"hey do you want to buy a stand for 15 dollars for your PS2?" MC asked Nic-nac.
"I dont know. What do they do?"
The crowd yet again said,"UH-HUH!"
"What Final Fantasy number are they on now? 12? 15?"
"I dont know...does anyone care anymore? AAHAHAHAHHA!"
"ATV Off-road fury is one of their "Greatest Hits" comeon, its like dirt biking but with four wheels. AHAHAHAHAHAH!"
"Ok I admit it... PS2 does have many quality games like 'smugglers run' and 'state of emergency' and-"
"its just so funny, because the games that you listed were crap! Well yah but thats whats popular these days. "Buy state of emergencey to run around killing people for the stupidest plot ever, and react with 2D people!". MC said laughing.
"You really dont know what your talking about...do you?" Nic Nac questioned him.
"who told you?"
Heh I dont exactly own a PS2, I just enjoy making fun of it and how people think that Japan made stuff is always superior, Heh heh.
Anyways, Pvt. Cooper walks into 'Greasy's'. Everyone flocks over to him, saying,"Hey your that dude!" "Your from 'Cry for a Hero', the best story ever!" "Can I have your autograph?" "Does this dress make me look fat?" "Can you guess whats up my ass?"
Cooper pushed them all aside.
"What the f*** dude. I get shot at decieved, dream scary dreames, get knocked out TWICE, and my allies keep dying, whats with you man?"
Ok cooper, you want a new series thats easier ok here it is:
You Dont Have to Cry for a Hero part 1: Really Easy Mission.
Everyone got into the pelican.
"hmm im liking this series already,"Cooper said to me,"more!"
You Dont Have to Cry for a Hero part 2: Another Really Easy Mission
we were given our mission objectives: find and kill an unarmed rebel. There were about 300 police that were going on the mission. We came to the LZ to find that the rebel died of waiting.
"GREAT PLOT! MORE!" Cooper histerically demanded,"HAHA MORE! MOOOOOOOORE!!!"
All of a sudden, He got knocked-out AGAIN, and was dragged into the gay bar and is going to stay there for the rest of his life.
"Can you belive it?" MC said,"They are making me into a cartoon for a kids television network!!!"
"Im going to be freaking 5 years old, and Cortana is something like my teacher!"
heh heh lets test this new show out:
HALO BABIES!*baby music playes in the background*
"ok lisen up!" Cortana said.
"we dont like school!" all of the kids said.
"ok lets kill-I mean, tag those coven- I mean, different looking kids with our guns- I mean, dart guns!" MC kid said.
"YAY" they all said and ran towards the other kids, which had plasma-errm, squirt guns?
"prepare to die-I mean, get wet!" one elite-umm different looking kid? said.
And then the show was cancelled due to absolutly nobody watching it.
"Ooh that didnt turn out to good." MC said gringing at the thought of getting wet.
----did you say something?----
aww man, Just shutup Cap'n Keys!
-----Are you talking to me again?!?-----
NOOOO NOT YOU CAP'N CRUNCH! PLEASE DONT CRUNCHITIZE ME! I'm still jizzing Friggin Fruty Pebbles!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!! wait a second, I controll this story, I can do whatever I want. KEYSITIZE!!! The Cap'n Keys ray blasted away the Cap'n Crunch ray and hit Cap'n Crunch.
-----AAAHH YOU TURNED ME INTO A WOMAN, BUT IM STILL A MAN!!!-----
Yep, just like Cap'n Keys!
And again the whole 'greasy's' Croud,"UH-HUH!"
----When is this series going to end?----
Ok I was just kidding its not over.
"HEY!" MC motioned over to the restruant.
"life is the shits, aint it Corty?" MC said to Cortana, as she heaved a pile of maneur into the frier.
"Ok thats it you piece of a mother who is a son of a person who licks the unclean hands of a monkey! DIE!" Cortana screamed loudly, heaving a gigantic heap of crap at MC. MC dodged the glob of poop, but Nic-Nac wasnt as lucky. The pile of dukey landed on Nic-Nac and covered him in 4 feet of poop. The pile was so enormous, that it suffocated Nic-Nac. MC struggled to dig the mass pile of #2 filled with flies and 'Knightmare', but wasnt able to get to Nic-Nac In time. MC tried to give the poor misfigured gay covie grunt CPR, but all that came out of his mouth was semen and horse shit.
"Nic-Nac...Dead?" MC said.
Nic-nac let out his last words.
"correction, Nic-Nac IS dead..."
He fell silent. then he came back up again.
"I want a casket service, like on Xena: Warrior Princess..."
He then fell limp. nobody knew what he was talking about. He came back up,"DAMMIT YOU KNOW ON XENA, WHEN SOMEONE DIES, THEY GET PUT IN A WOODEN CASKET, THEN, THE CASKET IS SET ON FIRE, AND THEN SET AFLOAT ON A RIVER, NEVER TO BE SEEN AGAIN!!!" after those words he fell dead.
"Rest in piece my friend" MC said over his dead body.
The grunt came alive yet again,"So You ARE GAY, I KNEW IT!!! HEY EVEYONE, MASTER CHIEF IS GAY!!!"
Everyone nodded their heads, like they already knew, and it made sence.
"I said," MC said to the now dead grunt," rest IN PIECE!!!!!"
The grunt snickered and then died.
-I can't belive you killed off a main character like that!-
Hey Stephen, its the finale, its usually everyone dies, or gets married in the finale.
-but Nic-Nac WANTED to get married with MC!!!-
Well that would have been something good to tell me BEFORE I killed him off!
-Eh, it doesnt really matter, besides, he was starting to get on my nerves.-
Yah well anyways, two weeks later, they hold the service next to the lake called 'Lake Irony' while the sevice was going, MC was getting the casket ready for the burning, he had 10 bottles of lighter fluid already used up on the thing, and lighter fluid was dripping off the sides. The entire crowd from greasy's was there, all dressed in purple(remember its a covenant funeral).
The funeral guy said," and now time for Nic-Nac to be set off into the sea."
MC pushed the casket to the edge, and stood 20 feet away from the casket and lit a match. He threw it at the casket, and flames shot 50 feet into the air.
-I love Xena-
yah anyways, MC pushed the casket out intothe water and they started to play the famous covenant funeral song: "Get Down With the Sickness"
-I love 'Disturbed'-
Shutup Stephen. The casket floated out to sea.
-I love the sea-
THATS IT! *pulls out a big pile of horse maneur and loads it on Stephen, Killing him in the process* Hey what did I say about seires fianalies?
A strong wind blew and pushed the casket towards the shore. The casket hit the shore and Nic-Nac's flaming body rolled out of the casket.
"Oh crap" MC said, and NIc-Nac's body exploded as he screamed the immortal words: MC YOU BIATCH!!!
After that, everything was silent.
"Well that was a bad move" MC commented on himself.
The crowd said,"UH-HUH!"
-2 years later-
Oh good you got the time right this time! *also piles the time progressor dude in a pile of horse crap, killing him also* Heh heh I love my job.
There is merrage music playing, and it is inside a church. MC stands at the podium with his bride-to-be.
"I do." He says just after we come into this part of his life.
"And you?" the nun, who turnes out to be Wado, Looks over to the bride, that has her face covered with a vail. The Bride nods.
"Ok you may now kiss the bride!" Wado said happily. The bride lifted the vail slowly to reveal, Chief Mendez.
"UH-UH! The 'Greasy's' crowd all said in disbelief.
"Oh my gosh, its like, so romantic." 343 GS said, crying, and hugging Cortana. The camera goes over to MC, just about to kiss chief Mendez, and then MC covers the camera with his hand.
Okay this is most likely the last part. Im sorry if you liked it and want more, but I dont think you'll be seeing anymore for a while. I'd like to thank all the people that I ranted over the entire series: Bungie employees, people in the game, HBO fan fic submitters, companies, my friends, Ibonk represenitives, and many sexual and immature comments that I made so many times, and my newly favorite word: PROCREATE!!! thanks for everyones support and I hope you enjoyed this comedy. Nobody should take any offense to this story, really, nobody.
"Halo, its finished" Cortana said slowly.
"YOUR DAMN RIGHT IT IS BITCH!" MC said.
Hey stephen....STEPHEN!!! QUIT PLAYING WITH YOURSELF IN THE BATHROOM AND GET OVER HERE!
343 picks up the phone"WAZZUUPP"
"There's one thing about Marty Odonnel's hands, they're so callased, he cant even tell that he's grabbing your ass or not" MC said to Nic-Nac after they got out of the Gay bar.
In the first stages of Mis-adventures of Master Chief, I was going to put ina flood infection form, as another sidekick. they were going to find him singing ina cave,"...nobody knows the troble I've seeeeen, nooobody knows my sorrow..." But then I thought, WOW Im not THAT stupid HAHA eh heh heh...heh right?
The casket is lit on fire and Matt Soell Jumps out screaming on fire,"DAMMIT Master Chief I WAS ONLY KIDDING WHEN I SAID TO CUT YOU OT OF HALO 2!!!"
The Brides vail is lifted to reveal Nic-Nac on stilts,"KISS ME YOU BIG HOMO!" The grunt says, as he jumps onto MC kissing him all over
"UH-UH!" says the crowd.
Well thats the end of MAOMC(you know the acronym) have a great and wonderful(non homosexuall) life! :D