Red Fraction - A Halo Comedy
Posted By: Dispraiser<firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: 1 November 2003, 2:12 AM
"I've been thinking about stuff recently." the Captain's voice echoed.
"What kind of stuff, sir?" the navigator replied.
"About that big guy, what's his name..."
"No, no, that other guy, the tough one..."
"No, he was eight feet tall and wore green armor."
"Oh, Master Chief!"
"Yeah... Well, we got him on the ship."
"Oh sweet salvation! Captain, I don't see how you could possibly fuck this one up! With him on our side-"
"Oh, wait, no, I got his little brother."
"Captain... Let me show you this most disturbing demographic." The crewman changed the screen from its normal view of the Covenant starships fighting with the last remaining humans to a pie chart. The red section was around four times the size of the blue, and an insignificant yellow wedge filled the rest of the area. "As you can see, 77% of the crew is supportive of having you beaten to death. They've even gone to the liberty of making a raffle to see who gets to kill you, and preparing the gymnasium for a fight to the death. 15% are loyalists, but would not die for you. They would join in with the reds. The last eight percent answered by asking if this was a drug test, and saying that they would not pee in a jar because they were at least 25% they weren't stoned. Sir, you do realize that this ship hates you. Do you know why?"
"Because they're jealous of my great personality?"
"No, sir, they hate you because you're an idiot. You have doomed us all, again. I doubt you could get this ship to invade anything. Hell, I don't think you could lead us to invade our way out of a paper bag!"
"What's this blasphemy! Call up the cryobay! Tell them to wake up our old 'friend'!"
"Aye aye Skipper." The crewman activated the intercom, "Sailors, 'Unbolt the Locked Casket'"
Deep in cryo-command two crewman talked about the new order, "Has he gone loco!?!"
"I don't know, but I don't wanna be around to find out!"
"Doesn't he remember what happened last time we let him out?"
"Would it really make a difference? Get to the gym. It's time."
The Petty officer climbed from his confining cryotube. He quickly acquainted himself. It seemed as if the cryobay monitors were working on assembling weapons for a reenactment of a medieval battle or something. The Petty Officer treated this as nothing and continued to the bridge. Something was awry, and the Petty Officer was mad.
"So, I ran for the door, grabbed my clothes and leapt into my car right has I heard rifle-fire. Needless to say, I'll never get let back into Thailand." The crewman ended his tale. Everyone in the bridge laughed, except for the solemn, faceless soldier in the door.
"What's this inefficiency? This is a combat zone! Act like Marines!"
"We're Navy sir." The Crewman replied.
"Lazy sons of bitches... Captain Dorman." The petty officer reached out and shook the Captain's hand. Immediately after shaking hands they hit fists in a variety of ways and wiggled their fingers away from eachother. The crewman and Amy, the obese AI stared, on in confusion.
"Good to see you, Petty Officer."
"I can't return the same respect Dorman. Or shall I say... Norman."
The Captain choked on his Chocolate Vanilla Extract, spitting across the controls. The viewport turned to static. "Nice work Skip! Now I can't watch TV. "
"Bah, 501 tactical cameras, nothing good on. So anyways, Petty Officer, nice to see you. The Covenant have finally come, and will be boarding the ship at any moment. I need you to take Amy, the ship's AI, and keep it safe."
Suddenly a vastly obese AI appeared. It wore a tiny tube top and a miniskirt. "If I wasn't so sure you were gay Captain, I'd think you were coming onto me."
There was an inconvenient silence, "She's nicer once you get to know her."
"I'll get to know you Captain..."
The Captain shuddered. He had almost learned his lesson... "So, Petty Officer, this is our AI, Amy. Get used to her, she'll be living in your head until you die. In which case she'll still be living in your head... But you won't know it... So anyways, pop open the helmet, we're putting her in!"
Petty Officer Jon 343 sighed and pushed a button on his helmet to open the tiny cube drive.
"Ready?" the Captain asked the balloon-esque AI.
"Ready... Yank me!" the AI replied. The Captain reached for the tiny datacube. He grabbed it loosely and tried to lift it, his fingers slipping. He stumbled, surprised and humiliated, and confused, grabbed the cube again, and pulled against it with all of his might. The Captain was no weak man, but he could barely make the tiny cube budge.
"Jesus Amy, what have you been eating?"
"What are you, kidding? I'm not fat, those are love handles Captain! You know you want this."
The Captain coughed in disgust. "Crewman, come over here, help me out with this." The Navigator stood to assist him.
The two of them struggled to lift the obese AI's data cube, and managed to carry it to the Petty officer, and slide it into his head. Suddenly he snapped to life.
"My... God..." the Petty Officer fell limp to the ground.
"What just happened? Petty Officer! Are you okay?" the Captain shouted.
"So... Gross... My head is full of... Amy... Captain, hand me your pistol!"
The Captain complied. Immediately the Petty Officer spun the pistol around to his face and clicked the trigger a half dozen times with no results. "I don't keep it loaded. You'll need to find ammo as you go along..."
"What! Damn it! You keep a gun loaded when evil aliens are going to board your ship! I'll just have to do it the hard way..." The Petty Officer sighed and began to smash his helmet on the wall.
"Aye! The Captain is running this ship into the ground, mate!" a soldier shouted over the talking of a thousand confused soldiers who had been ordered to the hangar to gather empty pop cans and return them at a dime a piece, because 'after the ship was overrun the captain could never get his bottle return, and that's just wasted money'.
"Big surprise!" another replied.
Suddenly the door cracked open, a god-like light bleeding around the figure of a single man. "Brothers and sisters of the Red portion of the pie chart! It is time! To the gym! All gather for the Red Fraction uprising!"
"Right... Well, so much for humanities' last hope. I heard his older brother, John-117, has some potential. Think he'll turn out?"
"Humanity depends on one of em living. I'll email Keyes to tell him to get Cortana looking better for the Chief. She's huge, like, 400 pounds... I'll send her a few Subway cards too..."
Suddenly the door exploded into the bridge. The smoking, flaming door skidded to a stop. As the smoke cleared an angry mob was revealed. At least a hundred crewmen stormed the bridge and stood in the door waving torches.
"Careful sir." The Navigator whispered to the Captain, "They have mastery of fire. Fire good."
"What do they want?" the Captain asked.
"We have come for you Captain! The time has come!" the leader of the rebellion yelled.
"Hey, you're that guy from cryobay! Remember my question?"
"No... I don't recall, what was it?"
"I was wondering... What happens if you fart while you get frozen?"
"TAKE HIM TO THE GYM!"
Five minutes later the stadium was lined with shouting crewman, and in the center of the pit stood the Captain. He didn't know why, but for some reason they were cheering. Granted he was their Captain, he hadn't said anything or done anything that would lead them to cheer. "They really love me..." muttered the Captain...
A booming voice echoed through the rafters of the gym, "Release the lions!"