The Man - A Halo Comedy
Posted By: Dispraiser<firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: 25 October 2003, 4:15 AM
"I've been thinking about stuff recently." The captain muttered.
"What kind of stuff Skip?" the radio operator replied.
"The meaning of life."
"Deep. Especially for you Skip. Know the meaning of death?"
"To avoid them!" the radio operator pressed a button on the conrol panel and a viewscreen flickered to life. A Covenant fleet faded into existence, destroying one of the last remaining human defenders of Lunar 4.
"Them? Do you mean, "The Man"?"
"Skip, we've been over this before. There is no "man" in charge of everything. Even Lunar 4 is controlled by a fair democracy."
""The Man" made you say that. I forgive you."
"Alright sir, I apologize." The radio operator muttered meaninglessly, "But we have more pressing issues, like them." He gestured to the monitor, which displayed an increasing number of Covenant ships destroying one of the two Legacy Class Starships that continued to fight.
"Holy crap!" the Captain yelled, "It's back!"
"What! Sir, I'm giving the order to fire archer missile pods at it!"
"It's no use... I fought that beast for three hours in the bathroom this morning, and if it wasn't killed in the toilet I don't know what can..."
"Sir! Do you remember what I told you last time you tried to make a joke? No toilet jokes, no farting jokes, nothing that I won't laugh at."
"I know, I just thought it would be funny this time..."
"Was it funny last time?"
"The time before that?"
"The twenty times before that?"
"The first time was-" the captain saw the radio operator nodding a firm 'no', "No, it wasn't..."
"Sir, fire the missile pods?"
"What's the use... If no one laughs at my joke what purpose is there to life?"
"Sir, I'm firing the missile pods, with or without your consent." The radio operator rolled his chair to the AI's hologram projector, "Amy?"
"I'm here..." the AI replied. A 'gorgeous' fat chick AI appeared in the hologram field, the edge of its 'tummy' sliding off the podium. It wore a size 6 tube top and a miniskirt.
"You know you want me!" the AI yelled, running around its projector.
"Alright, so anyways, I want you to fire archer missiles 1-17 at whatever Covenant ship gets closest."
"I hate you.", the radio operator replied, rolling back to the captain. "El Capitan! What's our next plan?"
"Plan? What plan? I don't have a plan! Why would you ever think I have a plan?" the Captain shouted. He muttered quietly under his breath "He knows too much. I have to kill him... But when..."
"Sir, let me reiterate. There is no 'man'"
"What? No, you said there was. You apologized for being one of his minions!"
"Sir, the man is a monster created in the minds of conspiracy nerds to scare gullible people like you."
"So wait, if I am gullible he will enter my mind and use me to project his evil!"
"No, sir..." the radio operator thought for a moment... "Actually, if you don't fire this ship's MAC cannons right now, he'll take your mind over and make you 'get intimate' with Amy."
"I heard that!" the AI yelled, "And Captain... The offer still stands."
The Captain shuddered, "Alright, you drive a hard bargain." The Captain walked to the intercom as the ship trembled, plasma gunfire breaking along the hull. "All hands, prepare the MAC cannon. Fire at the purple ones."
"Real professional Skip. Alright, here's The Man's next command. You have to learn to play a new game called 'The Man Says'. It's like Simon Says."
"Alright, the man says to bite your tongue as hard as you can."
The operator grinned as the Captain shrieked in pain. He was as loyal as he was gullible. "Okay, now, The Man says to make smart decisions regarding the future of this ship, and defeat the enemy ships."
"What!?! What enemy ships?"
"The purple ones sir."
The ship shook again as boarding crafts burrowed into the titanium armor. Alarms shrieked and guns roared immediately outside the bridge. The Radio operator sat in terror as he heard human screams flood the air. Suddenly, there was silence. The two watched the long hallway leading away from the bridge into the cafeteria, where the last fighting had occurred. An Elite emerged from the corner.
"Shut the doors! Shut the doors!" the Radar Operator yelled.
"The Man didn't say to!"
"Alright, the Man says, shut the doors!"
The door slammed shut mere feet from the Elite. It stood outside the window watching.
"Sir, we need to destroy the ship."
"What! I was just about to figure out the meaning of life. I think it has something to do with choices, and-"
"The big red button, now! The Man says to!"
"Which big red button?"
"The ONLY big red button."
The ship exploded in a fiery ball, dying with it humanities fattest AI, dumbest captain, and most patient crewman.