Makin' It Real (Comedy) Part 1 of 2
Posted By: CoLd BlooDed<email@example.com>
Date: 2 April 2004, 5:04 AM
The sun was shining, the grass was green, but Canada—at the moment—was boring. Meanwhile, CoLd BlooDed sat at home, watching the television and talking on msn at the same time when he heard the phone ring. He walked over to it and picked it up.
"No questions! But hey, it's Louis Wu, from HBO, we're inviting you for a tour around our building!" the talker said, "My slaves"—he suddenly coughed—"I mean, assistants, have decided you're welcome to come along!"
"Uh, how did you get my phone number?"
"Erm . . . sorry." replied CoLd as he cocked an eyebrow, this conversation was weird, or it was just Mr. Wu, the holy-respected-all-kind-person-thing-that-runs-a-website-guy.
"The tour is today at noon. Be there, or be . . . square!" Louis suddenly burst into a fit of hysterical laughter; CoLd dropped the phone and almost walked out of the room before the website-host recovered, "Sorry."
"How do I get there?"
"No questions!" shrieked Wu, CoLd jumped and whimpered, but the man responded. "Follow your nose, hee hee, and you'll be here in no time."
"Okay . . ." the 13-year old fanfic writer said, obviously confused, but in his mind he was laughing.
The line suddenly clicked and was followed by a loud buzzing noise, Wu had left the phone. CoLd walked over to the computer and typed to his HBOer buddies:
I WAS JUST PHONED BY LOUIS WU AND HE WANTS ME TO COME TO HBO!
Hawk7886, on the other side, didn't seem too impressed at his response.
Me too! Pwn3d!
CoLd contacted teemus, said the same thing, got the same response, and wondered if both of his sla—
He wondered if both of the HBOers were in on this, trying to make CoLd feel lonely and unappreciated. When suddenly a loud, muffled chirk chirk chirk echoed through his house.
"Kale? What's the noise?!" inquired his mother from upstairs, she had used his name!
"Nothing, mom, just playing Halo with the sound blasted!" he yelled, and to ensure that she stayed upstairs, he said: "Have another glass of wine!"
CoLd ran outside after logging out of his account (which was recently hacked), and looked up, a helicopter with the words "H.B.O 343" stenciled on the sides appeared out of nowhere and landed on the street right beside his home. Wind from the spinning blades of doom caught with other gusts, creating little whirlwinds that caught leaves and dust. The HBOer looked in awe as rocks pelted him in the face, establishing fresh cuts and bruises on his cheeks.
He slowly, but not cautiously, walked over to the "parked" chopper and waited for the door to slide open, this craft, however, was not the nice military ones that the army had.
"Follow my nose," CoLd scoffed and added immediately (Warning: Canadian Stereotype), "eh?"
A man jumped out of the interior of the aircraft and waved the stunned HBOer inside, CoLd BlooDed didn't hesitate to board, if he knew right; his mother wouldn't care if he showed up next week lying in a dumpster with his head taped-up.
He laughed to himself, realizing how serious that would be, and hopped into the helicopter, a fresh odor met his nose.
"We've got pizza." said the man as he brought out the source of the smell, unfortunately, it was covered in anchovies, sunny-side-up eggs, and frozen wads of Smarties. "Courtesy of Mr. Wu, it's his favourite."
CoLd groaned as the helicopter took off, the delicious scent torturing him the whole ride to the unknown land he was headed too.
CoLd BlooDed jumped out of the cockpit (the pilots had let him fly, but made him stop after he ran over a little kid on a tricycle) and moved over to the edge of the helipad. He was greeted by several other HBOers, in the FLESH!
"Hey, CoLd." said a kid who was shorter than himself, Kale laughed.
"You must be Hawk."
There was a sudden thwap and CoLd found himself rubbing his face, then he laughed again as he looked at teemus.
"Sup, teemus dawg?"
He didn't respond and instead fiddled with his visor and pants that stopped at his ankles, a boom-box was propped in-between his bicep and head and he shook his head accordingly with the tunes. It seemed like rap at first, but when CoLd got closer he made out the faint shouting of Avril Lavigne featuring AC/DC, with the rock band desperately trying to drown out the Canadian singer's voice.
"Why you gotta listen to that old crap, teemus?" scowled CoLd as he covered his ears, (I don't have anything against AC/DC and think they're a great band.) teemus shrugged. "And why are your pants so short?"
"Because this song is dope . . . and my mom put these pants in the washing machine, they . . . shrunk."
"I see. . ."
CoLd turned to the others that waited before him, all recognizable. SOS.Odin, Mainevent, Walker, Helljumper, Awacar, Hunter_Killer, Agent Shade, and 'Nosolee stood behind Hawk and teemus, shuffling and talking amongst themselves.
The helicopter lifted off, ruffling up the hair of the HBOers and grass when a man, clad in an Indian uniform, appeared.
"Welcome my children!" said the stranger, but his voice immediately painted him as Louis Wu, the Wu-man, the Wu-minator, the Louie Wuee . . .
"Don't I look a little old to be a child?" asked Helljumper.
"NO QUESTIONS!" Louis screeched at the top of his lungs, all the HBOers shrunk back in fear, the website-host slapped his face and spoke in a calmer tone, "Sorry, I'm beginning to forget that you're not all those n00bs that send me pointless emails. But we'll get to that later. I'm Louis Wu, and all of you were held eligible to join the tour of HBO headquarters, so I hacked your computers and found out your phone numbers."
"You hacked our computers to get our phone numbers?" asked a surprised Awacar, Wu shook his head happily.
"Of course not, I hacked your computers for fun! I got your phone-numbers by a different method."
CoLd didn't like the fact that the HBO-creator hacked his computer for fun, but decided to speak his thoughts anyway.
"I don't like the fact you hacked our computers for fun." he stated outloud.
Wu didn't respond but instead gestured the guests to follow him, the large group shuffled behind him as they moved through a garden.
"As soon as you enter this building," Louis said with his hands behind his back, "you will see the future. We are the future; we create everything and keep it shielded from the public."
"Why do you do that? You could become famous!" exclaimed Walker.
"Because, some things in here aren't for people who haven't 'experienced' the wonderful world of HBO."
"Isn't HBO just a website?" asked teemus.
"Hell no, kid, learn your history." Wu snapped suddenly, his face went rigid and hating, CoLd snickered. "HBO HQ is the place where we administrators reside, tending to every need of the website to ensure that the members stay happy. And if anything goes wrong, they all blame it on me! Me, me, me, me, me, me, ME!"
"Sucks." remarked Odin.
"Indeed," the Wu-man said calmly, "So I make sure that doesn't' happen. Now, let's move inside, this garden is making me tired."
The garden was massive, it stretched as far as CoLd and the other HBOers could see, the flowers were in full bloom and in a wild assortment of colors. Grunts tended the rows and rows of plants, wearing farmer slacks and gardening gloves. The guests pointed and laughed.
"Why is it always us?" a Grunt could be overheard from the cover of a small shrub. "WHY?!"
"Shut up, Payday, remember, a happy Grunt is a good Grunt." replied his friend. "And plus, our hands are the only ones that fit into these incredibly small, but extremely fashionable, gloves."
"Oh yeah." Payday said and attended the garden once again.
The HBOers refocused their attention on Wu, who had continued rambling on while the Grunts had conversed stupidly. The company moved towards an enormous entrance, the large double-doors glistened in the fresh sunlight, reflecting into CoLd's eyes. He screamed.
"Oh yeah, don't look at the glass, those doors are big enough to reflect a sufficient amount of light to blind you." said Louis.
"Oh, thanks for the warning."
CoLd BlooDed rubbed his eyes as the large double-doors slid open silently, the space between the doors were wide enough for the HBOers to squeeze in at the same time. When CoLd had finished blinking and trying to get rid of the yellow squiggles that crisscrossed and danced across his vision his jaw dropped open in awe. The inside of the HBO building was beautiful.
Catwalks extended from walls and intersected with each other; people clad in white clothing walked across them, making the massive room extremely busy. Words fumbled out of Mainevent's mouth.
"How long did it take you to build all this shit?"
"The time it took to construct all this 'shit' took about as long as it takes for you to understand what I'm talking about." replied Wu with a grin.
The group laughed at Main for his misfortune and embarrassment, but he continued with the look of puzzlement on his face, causing the HBO workers to laugh as well. The laughter against Mainevent filled the room, threatening to burst CoLd's eardrums.
They laughed for several minutes until Wu held his hand, an abrupt silence fell upon everyone. Main's expression remained confused.
"I can only tell you that we work in mysterious ways," replied Louis roguishly, and then said in a plain and simple tone, "That, and we ordered it on EBay, no shipment charges!"
Hunter_Killer spoke up, "Can we get on with the tour?"
"Of course," Wu responded quickly. "Let's take a look around the displays, shall we?"
They moved to the far left end of the wall, a large transparent slab of glass separated the HBOers from a court-like room inside.
"This is the court-martialing area," said Wu, "Let's listen in, shall we?"
He slapped a button on the wall causing speakers to poke out of the wall.
"This is the case of the . . . ah! This is the lawsuit concerning Captain Tinkerbelle."
"He was a great Captain, everything he did showed courage, valor, and integrity. Nothing could get in his way—" a tough voice belonging to a Marine echoed out from the speakers, but was cut off by the "judge".
"It says here that he led the four-hundred men under his command to their gruesome deaths."
"I never said he was the best Captain, geez."
CoLd laughed, not thinking of how the situation was until Odin asked Wu: "This can't be real."
"But it is," said Wu with a maniacal grin, "I can't explain it to you, however, but maybe the next window can."
The host led his guests to the next "display" and folded his arms proudly, Agent Shade whispered to CoLd: "Get a shitload of this."
"And this is where we produce Marines." said Wu as he tapped the glass, the soldiers on the other side didn't blink as they played with teddy bears and ate candy, they all sported the regular UNSC uniform.
"Isn't that job for the military?" asked CoLd.
"Of course not!" Louis snapped at him, CoLd whimpered as if hit, "These are the 'semi-invincible' Marines. You know; the ones that come out of the newbie fan fiction stories, the ones that can kill ten Elites by themselves."
The group of HBOers gasped in awe, Wu shouted at a worker up on the catwalks to let the Marines "have it". The enclosed room in which the soldiers played suddenly turned a tad brighter as a metal door slid open, twenty Elites moved into the room.
"Watch this." remarked Mr. Wu coolly.
The Covenant aliens, which seemed almost too real, were immediately assaulted by the Marines who dropped their candy and stuffed animals. None of them bore weapons which struck CoLd as odd, considering he had done quite a substantial amount of fan fiction (and beaten the game). The soldiers went into boxing stances and started hitting the Elites in long swings and uppercuts, the Covenant soldiers didn't stand a chance. Purple blood splattered the walls, teddy bears, and candy, but the Marines kept on fighting.
"When . . . What . . . How did you get Elites?" stuttered Helljumper, "And those dudes better be ODST's, considering they're real and all."
"They're real?!" exclaimed Hawk.
"Of course they're real," Wu replied calmly, recoiling from the glass pane as a massive amount of Covenant blood splattered it, "We ordered them on eBay, now that we own it."
"You got Elites on eBay?!" asked teemus in awe.
"And you own eBay?!"
Then teemus burst into a fit of girly laughter, Wu remained fixated on the battle inside, although the window was spattered with so much blood that the HBOers could barely see through it.
"Hey, hey Ross! Get cleanin'!" ordered Louis, a 'Yes, master!' echoed from the distance.
The display room exploded, but the windows remained intact.
CoLd and the others looked back in, Wu laughed, the fires which had caught on the stuffed animals and other necessities were extinguished, but a silvery substance had collected on the floor. It was forming together.
Pretty soon the glossy grey fluid had been shaped into several bodies, and the sheen disappeared as the armor and skin colors became a part of the reshaped Marines.
"Creepy, very, very creepy." commented SOS.Odin, Louis laughed again.
"Now to the other Marines."
The HBOers moved to the next display, inside were Marines doing exercises; they were buff and looked strong. It looked like something you'd see at boot.
"What are these guys' specialties?" asked Awacar.
"Oh, nothing." replied the Wu-man, "They make good coffee."
One of the soldiers inside accidentally spilled a 'Cup of Joe' onto the polished wooden floor, Wu grimaced. "Clean up in display case three!"
The display room exploded.
"Erm, that wasn't supposed to happen,"
CoLd and the other HBOers didn't look inside and were forced to avert their eyes from the smoldering wreckage as they followed Wu to the next section.
"These," Louis said as he pointed at a conveyer belt which swung around them, small Sergeant Stacker action figures stood on it, "are our Halo/HBO promotional Sergeant Stacker toys."
"What's so special about 'em?" asked Hunter_Killer.
"They are programmed with sound," replied Wu, "And when you play the sounds backwards, it's packed with subliminal messages."
"Yeah, it'll help HBO spread far and wide, maybe even to Russia! Hold on, I'll play it for you . . . backwards."
The toy talked in a freakish tone, but it spoke nothing more than a garble of gibberish. CoLd held back a snicker. No, not the chocolate bar, a snicker, as in laugh . . . hah.
Anyways, the Sergeant Stacker plaything stopped suddenly, the HBOers shuffled around.
"Damn, man, I feel like some burgers and I have a desperate need to kick a n00b." complained Agent Shade.
They moved on to the next area which was another glass display, cautiously looking over their shoulder at the Stacker toy that just seemed to stare . . . inside was a calm green meadow with people strutting around like cows.
"This is our n00b ranching area," reported Wu, "Beware, some are flamers . . ."
And at the last word of that sentence one of the 'n00b's' breathed fire like a dragon, CoLd backed up from the display.
"Hey, CoLd." whispered Mainevent.
"Is there gonna be a Part 2 to this comedy?"
"Okay, good, because I still need some time to think about what Wu said."
CoLd laughed as he finished the paragraph and sent it into the HBO. Wondering what to write for the second part.
Authors Note: Now, in this story, Wu may have come off as a little insane, but this however, is not true. Considering I haven't met him personally, and don't live anywhere close to him, I can only guess that he's a cool guy. And the fun I've poked at the HBOers (including Main) is all just part of the comedy. This is my first comedy, tell me what you think!
-Stamped For Approval