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Comments for 'The Fall of Rye: Chapter 2: Ambush' |
The Collector
12:44 pm | March 6, 2004
Not bad story. I got board towards the end. Story flow was not as fluid as you could've had it.
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teemus
12:51 pm | March 5, 2004
I to am in grade 8 and am 13. I think most of the writers are still in school...
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J-117
5:24 am | March 5, 2004
hey sup n00bs lol good story though, just that i need to talk to u about military originization. (AIM=MasterChief 510 MSN= gjm_25@yahoo.com) lol im turning 15 on july 7th (bungie day)
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Jon M
8:33 pm | March 4, 2004
Yea, I was guessing that I'm the anomaly. Now I feel all responsible and stuff. =D
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CoLd BlooDed
6:13 pm | March 4, 2004
31!? Shit. (Not a bad thing, LOL)
I'm 13, Jon, if I haven't told you already. I'm currently in grade 8, Middle School, and I hope to be a future writer (or something in that area). I love writing, period.
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Jon M
4:25 pm | March 4, 2004
Good. My typical comments apply. Word choice, editing, some run-on sentences. Some of the sentences need re-working for content too. I've noticed that you guys (not just teemus) give way too much information away in the form of straight narrative. I'll say it till you guys kick me: It's about what the characters see, hear, feel and smell. Always.
I like the blood-as-measure-of-progress metaphor.
Informal poll: how old are you guys and/or what's your education/motivation? (I'm 31, have two bachelors degrees and just like writing)
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Thomas Harper
6:31 pm | March 3, 2004
lol yea my spelling is better when i post fan fics i make sure it is. lol!
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Mind_Affecting_Parasite
6:04 pm | March 3, 2004
Sorry about this short spamming, but I feel I need to let you guys know. For those who have been reading my series, I don't knwo when I will be able to get the next Chap out. Having major comp problems, I might be facing getting a new PC actually, so...
Speaking of which, I was looking at getting a Laptop this time around. Does anyone know where to get a decend laptop for a decent price?
Thnx
-MAP
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CoLd BlooDed
3:47 pm | March 3, 2004
It gets posted whenever Louis decides, which is usually a couple of days after the previous update. Hope your spelling is better than on your posts.
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Thomas Harper
1:50 pm | March 3, 2004
oops srry i messed up i speeled take - tales lol srry.
take****
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Thomas Harper
1:47 pm | March 3, 2004
hey its me again but does anyone no how long it tales after u post it for it to show up. becuase i posted it yesterday [,arch 2] and now [march 3] it still hasnt showed up? if anyone nos just email me at madden2482@comcast.net. gggggeeeeeeees ive been having so much trouble with this fan fiction lately lol.
Thanks!
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Helljumper
12:06 pm | March 3, 2004
I don't think you realize how many many are in a division. Privates are reporting directly to Majors instead of to their platoon sergeant and up the chain of command. You made this large number of Marines sound like a platoon. Good story though.
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#@%$
4:34 am | March 3, 2004
Hello....
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teemus
1:05 am | March 3, 2004
I relized the part with the division after Cold submited it. By then it was to late. Thanks for the comment though.
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teemus
11:28 pm | March 2, 2004
Thanks guys. And MCC, ill try to fix some of the action parts to make not so unrealistic. Also, thank Cold for fixing it up for me. Hes acting as my editor. :P
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Thomas Harper
10:09 pm | March 2, 2004
i only have one wrold to describe this story......................wow. needs some work lol [hey whats a story when it dosent need help rite? lol] but still..................well like i said there was only one word to describe this.............wow.
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MC's Cousin
6:15 pm | March 2, 2004
Pretty good. But something about the combat made it sound unrealistic. You need more detail and word on flow a bit. Plus that passed a little too quickly. Keep going though.
Signing Off
MCC
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Awacar
5:30 pm | March 2, 2004
Good, i really love this chapter. The action, the detail, the... the... feeling I get when I read this, it's difficult to explain.
Good work!
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