5:21 pm | March 6, 2004
Ha, im back. Great pome. Great day. 10/10
12:27 pm | March 3, 2004
Thanks all for the feedback.
12:00 pm | March 2, 2004
You've done better. But it was good.
5:50 am | March 1, 2004
Hey, Alpha, how's it shakin'?
5:01 am | March 1, 2004
I liked it, it told alot. It also described about how I was feeling about a month ago. Keep it up!
9:44 pm | February 29, 2004
Ya ur work was gr8 U must really have some1 u really hate to wanna rite a poem like that. Can I borrow it and Read it @ my next Anger Management meeting
8:42 pm | February 29, 2004
Yes, like people are commenting in my comment page but isn't even telling me about how they like or hated my work of art.
8:01 pm | February 29, 2004
..........So damn many strange things going on.
4:27 pm | February 29, 2004
2:53 pm | February 29, 2004
Well that was random
12:54 pm | February 29, 2004
So So. But it was still good. But I couldn't get into the feel of it. Fill it with myself to really get emotionally into it like I would have liked. In my opinion 'flirt' is a just dandy word for the situation. Although I'm not much into poems, this one was not bad at all.
7:57 am | February 29, 2004
Umm... okay, WTF, one, I do have a girlfriend, well, actually wife. I live in her bed =D
Two, you make me laught, "kill u kill u, lord i'm gonna have to kill u!" Hah... I got them kind of lyrics too, except more in dept with a lot more hate. Yes, I know, I got problems, I mean, who wouldn't when your life is a total fuck up.
Bottle up my emotion? Okay, now you are just stealing my lyrics.
Also, learn proper grammer...
You, not u, to, not 2, write, not rite...
All I can say about you is... "what a total dumbass!"
6:40 am | February 29, 2004
2 words HOOKER! Hmmm well one. Good, I mean if this is the kinda a stuff u feel u need 2 get off ur chest. U need a girlfriend and bad *begining to cry* cuz if u bottle up ur emotions *Sniff* *Sniff* and start to rite like this again Im gonna Have 2
Kill U till U Die
And Lord Knows I'll Kill U
Kill U till U Die from my punches
See See I can rite poems. I'm so liberated
5:01 am | February 29, 2004
Thanks Jink, and MCC.
1:45 am | February 29, 2004
Nice new name...Snake...O.o anyway, moving onwards...you'll have to let me in on the beat for the lyrics, I love music. You know what? I'd like to see something by you with new lyrics to go with Rob Zombie's Dragula - or might that b e difficult? I don't know, it's all good. Cheers.
10:41 pm | February 28, 2004
Roger that...Thanks. I Don't want to be a spammer.
That's what poetry's about man...love and pain.
There's a saying, "Poetry's story is love and pain and each to his own is often the same"
Now, I hope you don't think I was picking apart your inner pathos. This was a good piece.
9:18 pm | February 28, 2004
Okay, Jon M, these is a song lyrics thing, not poem, I don't know much about poetry, but I do have other poems under the name Alpha Lance.
But this came to me all at once at first, then I got on word doc. and edited and made it better, changing the words up more, trying to make it rhyme and all.
Plus, this song is personal too, has to do with my life in a way. Lot of my work deals with my life in a way, like Broken Promise one I made last year.
Anyways, thanks for the comment, and I'll check your work out. But please don't go around asking people to read your stuff. It's called spamming. Anyways, thanks.
8:28 pm | February 28, 2004
I didn't realize it was a poem, or I would've just read it and commented first...sorry.
Poems are so much harder to write than anyone thinks, but this one has soemthing. I have a question. Did this come out of your head all at once or, did it take a while to piece it together?
The reason it matters is that poetry (this piece included) is inspired, and this appears to have poured out all at once. Nice Job.
Okay, on with the criticism. (I mean it with love my friend)
I don't like the word "flirt" in the lines about flirting with suicide. Flirt is a flippant and flighty word. It implies silly irresponsibility, and lightness, and unless you were setting up that kind of a juxtaposition (and the rest of the piece is too heavy for me to believe that) there's got to be a better word for what his relationship with suicide. As I play with suicide, dance with suicide, live with suicide (nice juxtaposition there) drive with suicide, dine with suicide, sleep with suicide, learn with suicide... you get the idea.
Avoid all cliches in both prose and peotry. "As I bottle my pain inside" is a cliche. There have got be other creative ways you can say he's holding back.
Also too, I'd like to see some more metaphors. (Unless this is song lyrics..in which case it's usually all good)
For example, the last stanza. You mention God twice by name. How may metaphors are there for God? Six billion? After the first reference to God you might say something about the cross, the crown of thorns, the bloody lamb, the bloody palms, the cup of blood, the burning heart (assuming you were referring to a christian God..if not find other metaphors)
Keep it up. I was surprised to see a poem here. It's a welcome change.
8:24 pm | February 28, 2004
Hey now..if you start that touchy feely crap... I'm outta here. LOL
I'll read the story and comment right now if you promise to read and comment on mine. Deal?
The easiest way to find both of mine is to do a title search for "probably no choice" Or you can use the following.
Part One: http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=jon_m..._a.k.0225040559561.html
Part Two: http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=jon_m..._a.k.0227040743541.html
Thanks. BRB with comments on ALIVE.
7:59 pm | February 28, 2004
*sniff* no more comments, I'm gonna go cry in a corner... *sniff*
6:17 pm | February 28, 2004
Wooohooo! One comment since my return, lol. Thanks man
6:09 pm | February 28, 2004