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Comments for 'Halio:Lost and Found pt:8' |
Riley217
8:29 pm | July 14, 2004
Thankx for your suggestions, I will keep them in mind. Yeah I know I should really slow things down sometimes. I am glad you feel the same way. Jessica I have no idea what you mean, one thing It is NEVER going that way ever. Anyway must get back to writing part 9. Please keep reading. Sorry for the misspelling I was in a hurry again.
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Jessica
8:18 am | July 12, 2004
The Spartans had their Sex-Drives removed, or toned down...
J3$$!
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Spacefan
1:26 pm | July 10, 2004
Nice. I liked the middle part--the Master Chief is, afterall, human. So, why wouldn't he be attracted to a woman?
Other than SOME punctuation, grammatical, or sentence problems, this was a good chapter. By problems I mean the use of Elite's (singular) when you meant Elites (plural). Another example: "Riley tried to flex her arm, it still stung and it was stiff, she couldn't use it." Suggestion: "Riley tried to flex her arm, BUT it still stung and it was stiff--she DEFINITELY WOULDN'T BE USING IT FOR A WHILE." I think it sounds better and it's more active voice, but you be the judge (it is your story). Also, don't be in a hurry--take your time telling the story. All of us readers are fan fiction hungry and you special people (the authors) are in a hurry to satisfy our cravings. Don't be. Take your time telling the story.
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