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Comments for 'Battle for Hawaii' |
SpartanFortyFour
11:01 pm | March 9, 2004
Dude, your story has got a pretty good go in it, but you need to get more in depth. You cant just say "he destroyed ten hunters" etc. GRAMMER, big thing in every story. Otherwise it was alright. If you want to check my story out, go to Earth's Rebellion:The End Is Near:part1/2. At least when it gets up.
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Thomas HArper
3:09 pm | March 9, 2004
no there is no way to delete this story after u have already posted it. but im sure this is none of my bussnies but u just said that u were very young....how old r u?
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masterchiefsdog
2:06 pm | March 9, 2004
but i used microsoft checking on my computer.
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masterchiefsdog
2:03 pm | March 9, 2004
Yes, im new and im very very young so is there anyway i can delete this story
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Thomas Harper
11:46 pm | March 8, 2004
o and also....nice name. =;)
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Thomas Harper
11:37 pm | March 8, 2004
are u new? well anywayz that dosent matter, but what does is that when i was reading this it didnt really seem to flow. it was more choppy and there were some grammar mistakes here and there.
but one major thing i have to point out is that when ur using dialouge, try not to space it out, like this is a bad example: " You new" thats what i got from ur story, it might be a typing mistake, but it should look like this: "You new".
really the only really good thing that i have to say about this is that i liked the way you ended it. it left me hanging! =:)
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Hawk7886
9:08 pm | March 8, 2004
I suggest asking someone to read over it and check for basic things like spelling and grammar, and also context, you should be set. There might be some potential, but you need to read over it and make sure that others will be able to understand and enjoy it as well.
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snowy_duck
7:52 pm | March 8, 2004
hmmm, it could be better, and could be worse. try to describe what they are doing and thinking, rather then just saying "he shot a grunt, then blew up an elite."
also try to use present tense more often, you kept telling the story like it was a story, instead of it acualy happening.
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Anonymous
2:06 pm | March 8, 2004
A little odd, fairly good, but has flaws at almost all parts that makes a story great. For example, the reality comes to shame sometimes, people just seems to be allergic to numbers over fifty when talking Elites.
I see some fantastic potential here, but some things will have to come with experience (use of indents and other code, real quantities regarding enemies), some with common sense (unproper, or lack of punctuation) and some with becoming more familiar with english (the tense changes you make in the middle of some sentences).
I really really want to like this story to the max, considering that you're new to HBO, and so on, but all too often the great experience is broken.
Take help of someone if you have problems with finding grammar/spelling issues, people tend to find problems easier then authors.
Good luck, and welcome to HBO.
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