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Comments for 'Affront to a God [Part One]'

1:30 pm | July 22, 2004
Great descriptions Mainevent! The story is captivating and flows well.

I see Walker's points, however, and I think he did a good honest review. I would have said pretty much the same things he did.

There's a certain writing "style" in this story that I like very much. It is a combination of narrative and actions. It is a great way of writing, but it should be used cautiously. The style works well in my experience for an introduction, setting up the scene for what is to come -- leaving room for foreshadowing and suspense.

However, this entire story seems to follow that narrative style, it does not read like a single story but more of an introduction. I really liked what I read, but I kept wondering when it would all start, I mean when the story would move from the narrative to real time, to when events happen in the story as they happen to the reader.

Maybe that's in further parts of this story?
11:44 am | July 18, 2004
ship names are italicized.

11:13 am | July 18, 2004
That was... Well... amazing. It had an incredible level of detail, as well as a great storyline. I'm going to take a guess and say the Flood are on this Ring. Ohhh... that's going to suck for all the children.
4:24 am | July 18, 2004
Romac: The ship names were originally italicized, but I forgot about them when pasting it from the already italicized version.

Walker: The beginning goes fast for two reasons.

1) I had to meet the 10,000 word minimum.
2) The beginning just sets up why they are there. Its not really the meat of the story.

Also, you'll learn a lot more about Pat in the next section.

As for the flood...well there's a little twist I bet you guys won't see coming.
1:55 am | July 18, 2004
I'm assuming this is a different ringworld considering the fact that there is animals on. Can't wait till they discover the flood, muahahahahahahahahaha. Unless of course you don't intend to use the flood in your story, it's obviously your story so I won't try to push anything.
1:51 am | July 18, 2004
As usual, Mainevent, you have wowed us all with your razzle-dazzle writing skills. However, I have a few complaints.

First of all, it happened way too fast. Suddenly we meet a pirate. Suddenly they jump into space. Suddenly they find a Halo. Suddenly they land and adapt to life there. What you crammed into one part should have been two, at least, or three, with a lot of description.

Second of all (this ties in with complaint numero uno) you didn't develop the characters enough. All we know about Pat is: he's a rebel, a pirate, and he had a dad. What's his personality like? Does he have any weird quirks? Anything that makes him more than a name on the screen? Who exactly is he?

Now for the good stuff. Great plot; I love it to pieces. I toyed with the idea at one point of writing a rebel/pirate story, but nothing of this magnitude. Great, just great.

I am glad somebody came out and wrote one from the point of view of the little man, the Patriot, the one who's loyalty is to his people, not some government a half a galaxy away. Kind of reminds me of America.

Viva la Revolucion!

MC's Cousin
12:11 am | July 18, 2004
Children? Well, I've never seen a Floodling before...

Signing Off

CoLd BlooDed
10:48 pm | July 17, 2004
I agree with Severian, this was fucking great, although I already know what was going to happen.

I guess I'll have to send in my story that I originally typed-up for the Ekindu contest. It was really scrapped? Oh, well, guess I'd rather have feedback from people on HBO than from people I've never heard of.

Great story, Mainevent, I'm glad I know what's going to happen - mostly because I can blackmail you and give away the story.

Now, I do take bribes or babes...
5:13 pm | July 17, 2004
Part 2 has been submitted. t looks like this will be a 3 part series. Enjoy.
7:06 am | July 17, 2004
I am looking forward to the whole series, the first part was so good.
Red Ghost
3:32 am | July 17, 2004
Whooaaa...I almost cried when you talked about the families dying in the vacuum. Crazy man, crazy. Anyway, that was awesome. I can't wait for the next post. 20 pages all together? Yessss!!!
8:13 pm | July 16, 2004
That's what I was going to do. Guess I'll stick to that plan.

And MCC, you'll just have to wait and see how this progresses.

BTW: This is supposed to fit in with the Halo Timeline. Check the time for that.
7:59 pm | July 16, 2004
i would spread it out over several updates. this way you can get better feedback on the individual sections of the story.
7:01 pm | July 16, 2004
Should I put the next 2 or 3 parts in the next update? Or spread it out over a couple updateS?
6:54 pm | July 16, 2004
This entire series has been finished.

I'm just breaking it up because its over 20 pages long. THere's much more to come.
6:48 pm | July 16, 2004
beautifully written. i hope this wasnt a one time deal for the writing contest. you really should think about continuing this...
4:41 pm | July 16, 2004
Not that this is anything different from what you normally hear...

This was fucking great.
4:14 pm | July 16, 2004
Great as always CoLd!

OA 9.8/10
MC's Cousin
3:14 pm | July 16, 2004
That was, I will admit, pretty good. I actually would say that you could continue this. The Flood is always a good story bit, and you could work with that. Or the Covies could find this Halo, or another UNSC ship could find it...there's a lot you could do to continue this into a series, but perhaps you plan to and I'm speaking too soon. The title does say 'part one'.

Signing Off