Wado
8:14 pm | November 10, 2002
Nice story. I can't speak for Flood Impalor but sometimes it helps me to just go back and reread what I wrote and try to add descriptions later. For instance, I rewrote the first paragraph of your story below as an example of how you could expand on your writing. Basically, your first paragraph alone could be expanded into several. Just suggestions, I hope this helps, otherwise no big deal, your story is pretty cool and your next one sounds even cooler. Original: Black's rifle fired and punctured the armor of an oncoming Hunter, the Hunter fell and clutched its stomach but continued toward Black, who fired again, ending the life of the stubborn behemoth. However, the Hunter's partner charged his particle cannon and fired, Black moved out of the way, vaporizing a portion of the ramp leading to the bridge. Black moved behind a pillar to find Blue 2 readying his AR. Black fired at the Hunter, felling it with one shot to the head. Unfortunatley, the Hunter's particle cannon must have been charged and it fired once it hit the ground. The shot crackled through the air and hit the pillar, burning through the "impervious" metal, causing the pillar to fall. Black, moved out of the way, but Blue 2 did not move quick enough; the pillar crushed Blue 2, mushing him to a bloody stump, even with his Spartan armor on; Black looked over 2's weapons, took his AR and Colin mines and proceeded to Blue 3; Black ran over to the door where the Hunters appeared and had Blue 3 follow him. Suggested Revision: Raising his shield blade the Hunter charged his breath leaving a trail of steam through the moist cool air. Bam! The high velocity round punctured the armor of the oncoming Hunter; clutching the wound he kept coming. Each step more deliberate, pounding on the ground until... Bam! A second well placed round fell the stubborn behemoth only a few feet from its target. Black stood over the unmoving Hunter as its chest rose and collapsed with its last breath. There was no time for sympathy, Hunters never hunt alone. The Hunter's partner charged his particle cannon and fired. A burning green ball of heated plasma sizzled past the dodging Black. Boom! Phut! An explosion vaporied half of the ramp leading to a bridge. The atmosphere burned away, small flames fizzled like night time lights on a still Northern lake. Black moved behind a pillar. Now side-by-side with Blue 2, they glanced at each other with knowing eyes. They popped out and fired. Black's shot hit its mark, scrambling the brain of the second Hunter. The Hunter stood for a moment, it was already dead but its body did not know. One last shot fired from its particle cannon. The green ball bounced three times before exploding on the pillar Black and Blue 2 were beside. The pillar came crumbling down. The battle was over. Black looked down at his friend, Blue 2 -- A lifeless, bloody mush. Even with the protection of Blue's Spartan armor, the weight of the pillar had flattened him. Black took Blue's AR and Colin mines and then signaled to Blue 3. The two of them proceeded to through door where the Hunters had first appeared -- First Black and behind him, Blue 3 followed in silence.
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