Comments for 'Fafnir Part Eight - The Dynamics of Entry'

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"Son of a bitch! They're right on top of us sir!"

Terranus Vector Constellation, Surrounding Space of Reach II, Rear-Guard Cruiser "Tyranny of Oppression"

...was awesome. The whole ship battle was very nice writing, it's just too bad it was buried so deep in the story. I think it might have been a good beginning to the story or at least have it closer to the beginning.

Suggestion #1: Write with descriptions but don't try to explain everything

I'm guilty of sometimes trying to explain things that might have been better off just being described instead. For instance explaining how the MC side stepped a plasma bolt instead of just saying that the plasma bolt missed the dodging MC. Often this kind of writing issue can be avoided by changing the point of view. For example...

Original:

First Lieutenant Matt November looked into the dark, scary. His plaster gray standard-issue combat fatigues felt seven sizes too large, probably more fear and paranoia than anything else. UNSC 'Standard Issue' wasn't exactly synonymous with quality goods, though. "At ease Marine." He nodded to his immediate superior, Uvriel Ishda. She was a far cry from 'pretty' in every way, with incredibly dark-brown eyes, which Matt was seeing as pieces of coal. Had a fat nose too, but a nice smile. He looked from right to left, checking the faces of his squad. 'Echo' and 'Splash'. No one knew his or her actual name anymore. "Dark in here... Scary." Echo commented.

Matt couldn't really see their faces, he tried yes, but that didn't mean he could actually do it, since everyone was wearing some form of gas mask or another. Everyone save Uvriel. Maybe that's why she dropped first.

"What the- Splash was cut off when Uvriel started to convulse, coughing up blood- and likely her own lungs and heart- seconds later. Biological warfare, not a usual method, but effective nonetheless. "Don't drag over it." Matt calmly held his fellow marine back. "We've got better things to do, and apparently someone to kill, lets get to it. This someone, or something, is using some sort of toxic spore to get the job done, and obviously their objective is the Fafnir. We, gentlemen, have a job to do. People aren't supposed to be here just yet... So if it moves, shoot it." Splash and Echo nodded. All three were professionals in their field, each one knew that; and had been in situations like these. Civilian as they were, undisciplined, and ignorant of actual combat procedure, it was only right that they invent their own. The 'soldiers' stood grimly, already hunching to stand of the balls of their feet, with their heads bent. No one had said it better than ancients, who'd constantly quoted "Make your every day stance, your combat stance." More effective than people thought it was.

Suggested Revision:

Uvriel Ishda looked over her battle hardened squad of UNSC marines. She could hardly see them through the darkness and all the dirt and grime. "Damn mask," she said to herself as she tried to wipe the visor clean, eventually giving up and raising the visor above her head. "Lieutenant front and center."

Before Ishda stood First Lieutenant Matt November, her second in command and her most trusted. Matt was always there for her, steady as they come. Well usually that is. Today he looked the part of the newbie, all the fear and paranoia might have finally got to him. Ishda paced a bit as she looked at Matt. He just stood there in his plaster gray standard-issue combat fatigues that looked seven sizes too large for him. "At ease Marine," said Ishda in a quiet and reassuring voice.

Matt nodded to Ishda, then he smirked a bit unseen behind his mask. The strangest thoughts can go through a soldiers mind in times of stress. Matt looked at his immediate superior, she was a far cry from 'pretty' in every way, with incredibly dark-brown eyes, which Matt saw as pieces of coal. She had a fat nose too, but Matt had got used to her looks and without her mask on, he could see that she had quite a nice smile. This snapped Matt back into reality, he looked from right to left, checking the faces of the rest of the squad. Just two were left, 'Echo' and 'Splash'. Well, that was what everyone called them, it had been so long that no one remembered his or her actual name anymore.

"Dark in here... Scary," commented Echo when Matt looked away.

Matt looked back at Echo and was about to say something when Ishda started to convulse and cough up blood inside her mask. Matt broke open his med kit looking for something to help.

Ishda had put her mask back on but it was too late, the damage had been done. She lay quite dead on the ground, blood and chunks of her lungs filling the inside of her mask. Biological warfare, not a usual method, but effective nonetheless.

Matt knew all too well what had happened. He closed his med kit as the others huddled around their dead commander. He gave them a few moments to realize what had happened.

Echo and Splash looked up at Matt, then they checked to make sure their masks were on tight. Of course they were, but they had to check again just to be sure.

"Don't drag over it," said Matt calmly as he grabbed Ishda's equipment and tags. "We've got better things to do, and apparently someone to kill. This someone, or something, is using some sort of toxic spore to get the job done, and obviously their objective is the Fafnir. We, gentlemen, have a job to do. People aren't supposed to be here just yet... So if it moves, shoot it. Let's get to it."

Splash and Echo nodded. All three were professionals in their field and each one knew that. They had all been in situations like this before. They stood grimly, already hunching to stand of the balls of their feet, with their heads bent. No one had said it better than ancients, who'd constantly quoted "Make your every day stance, your combat stance." More effective than people thought it was.

Note: Since Uvriel Ishda was to die, I decided to focus more on her point of view. Shows more of her character and makes her death all that more tragic and unexpected.

As for the "All three were professionals in their field, each one knew that; and had been in situations like these. Civilian as they were, undisciplined, and ignorant of actual combat procedure, it was only right that they invent their own." lines in the story -- they confused me. Are the Marines professionals that have been in this situation before or are they newbies who are undisciplined and ignorant? I flipped a coin and said they were battle hardened. Of course it could be the other way and they are all newbie soldiers... what I wrote is just an example of how you might change things.

It seems to me that you are trying to do too much in each story. I can't really explain but your explanatory writing style might be better changed to the more descriptive style of writing I have seen you do in previous stories. What I mean is writing the descriptions of what is seen rather than tell us the thoughts or explanations of the actions (I will provide examples later). For the explanations, you could probably summarize them in a separate paragraph instead of intermixing them with the text. I'll give you examples later but I am late for a dinner engagement and then I have training for a few hours.