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Comments for 'Titan - Chapter 6'

2:45 am | September 16, 2002
Hey Jay, you're welcome. I do have something to say though, the other guys were trying to help with some of their posts. I looked back and saw some good stuff, but you know I think it wasn't all that clear and ended up a big misunderstanding. I'm not going to tell you what to do, but then again I will say that I believe you owe some of the other guys an apology. Just my 2 cents. Please keep up the writing.
12:20 am | September 16, 2002
By George I think i got a very useful post, thank you for being the one who did it finally
6:48 am | September 15, 2002
Hey Jay, sorry. It just took me a long time to figure out what it was that made it hard for me to read the story. I think I got it.

The first thing (said in a comment by Sarge a few story posts ago) is please create a new paragraph whenever a different subject becomes the main focus point. e.g., So Webster would do his thing and then when a battleship starts to fire, make that the start of a new paragraph.

Yes some paragraphs will end up one sentence long. So I'd like to see you expand on your writing by having more transitions between paragraphs. These transitions could be as little as the word, "Meanwhile" or "In the sky above..." or something longer. Just need some transitions to help the reader change from the focus on one character to something else.

Be more like the director of a movie instead of just the writer. Take control of the camera angles and when to fade in and out or use soft focus. Use more imagery to panning across a battle field to give the user the BIG PICTURE. Where is the main character in relation to those scorpion tanks and the pelicans, etc.

Now to say something about the story -- I think it could be better than it is. The characters seem to be very capable but I think it would be a much better story if they showed more team work. I don't remember once reading about a character providing cover fire for another character. Everyone seems to just do something on their own. Even the ships seem to act alone. One ship might be in battle and another ship might come and help, but they don't seem to be coordinating their attacks. At least I don't see that communication in your stories.

I hope this comment is more useful.

3:12 am | September 15, 2002
I would improve on stuff like that but they never give me anything or anyway to improve apon it. I agree on that comment and i have done stuff to my stories that were improved apon from other people's comment, just that thing would be a little better if people would tell me HOW THE HELL CAN I FIX IT INSTEAD OF TELLING ME ABOUT IT 500 FREAKING TIMES
12:29 am | September 15, 2002
Alright Jay, I get your 'predicament', I understand how annoying it is, and I usually do read your stories fully; the point is that they could be better.
Improve on them and make it easier to read.

If you follow advice given by people to improve your stories its a hell of a lot better in the long run and it saves your stress for more appropriate things, like...

Killing the sound guy in the movie.

9:39 pm | September 14, 2002
God Damnit, I know what the hell you post. But if you people actually read carefully and not skim throught my parts, if you listen to what the guy before the other guy said something, you would understand. I want you to people to stop telling me these comments, i've got the same ones since my prologue. I want to read comments about my storys and how it is going, NOT ABOUT HOW THE CHARACTERS TALK!!!!
9:27 pm | September 14, 2002
Sarge that just why thats all I said on my first post on this part: "Do I really have to say it again Jay?"
5:54 pm | September 14, 2002
Tis because you never take our advice so we post the same stuff over and over.
3:45 am | September 14, 2002
Thanks Wado for you're comments, they prove better help then the others
3:41 am | September 14, 2002
Hey can't you people ever post any DAMN comments besides those ones. EVERY FREAKING PART i get the same exact comments. Have you people ever heard of writing in the 3rd Person. Its when you write about what is going on around main characters. If it was first person i would only be writing about that person and I would be saying "I". If you don't skim through my parts, it would be relativly easy to know who the hell is talking.
2:00 pm | September 13, 2002
*"thought" should be "though". I'm having trouble typing, must read what I write before posting...lol
1:53 pm | September 13, 2002
Like I said before thought Jay, you have some really great ideas in your stories. Didn't want you not to see that I said that.
10:37 am | September 13, 2002
Hi JIm. HI Bob. How you doing JIm? NO Your JIm I'm Bob. NO I am. ME!!!!!!. I can't tell whats what. Well I don't think anyone else can either.
5:15 am | September 13, 2002
Yes my comment didn't have good grammar. *SOUND choppy - BTW.
4:44 am | September 13, 2002
Aaaaaaaargh! Sorry Jay, you have some really great ideas but I just get too confused reading the story. The transitions between different points of view, well there really aren't any. Try reading your story into a tape recorder and then listen to it a day later, see if it doesn't should choppy to you.

The story jumps from the main character shooting full auto to in the next sentence the Scorpians shot down two Pelicans. Unless the main character is a Scorpion, there is just something missing like bolded type below.

He dove down onto the sand to escape all the chaos that followed the attack, he looked to his left and saw that the sniper he was standing next too was dead. Before he knew it bullets were zinging by his head, they were coming from the ,now, enemy marines. Webster opened fired. He fired in a full-auto fusilade spraying EX rounds at the apporaching forces. He took cover to reload and saw the Scorpions engaged in combat with the Pelicans. The Scorpions began to fire at the Pelicans but the slow moving turrets couldn't track them very well, two shells however impacted on two Pelicans and blew them outta the sky.

12:09 am | September 13, 2002
do I really have to say it again Jay?