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Comments for 'Project RAVEN Chapter 1' |
TheRedFaction
2:57 am | March 4, 2003
Sorry for falling behind, but other than what I said before, your story was good.
TheRedFaction
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TheRedFaction
2:53 am | March 4, 2003
Very good, descriptive, but it lacked good length and a strong battle sequence (the battles just keep most people wanting more). But, however, the story defintely needed a better cliffhanger ending. I'm going to receive a lot of negative posts (probably) for my story, but hey, that's life. Plus, I squished parts 1,2, and 3 into one.
For anyone who cares, the story I'll be sending within a few days is about the continuation of the war against the Covenant, which takes place thirty years after Halo. Near the end, the Covenant find Earth and the race for humankind is on...
I hope you'll be someone pleased.
TheRedFaction
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Jerry
10:30 pm | March 2, 2003
Well... chapter 1 got revised, but chapter 2 is unavailable because it didn't meet the new length requirements.
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Jerry
12:29 pm | March 1, 2003
Yeah, I felt really bad after I sent Louis the revision, and I only did so in the first place because it was pretty important to the second chapter... and it was just better integrated into the first.
Also, thank you a lot for the criticism and compliments. It was constructive, and you made very good points.
By the way, the second chapter definitely shows more emotion.
I'll work on the third soon.
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el_halo_diablo
12:36 pm | February 28, 2003
Well you can say anything you want. I thought this story was quite impressive for a new writer. It seems the new writiers are getting better. Keep it up Jerry, i'd liek to see more from you.
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Jerry
12:11 pm | February 28, 2003
Hey, thanks!
I don't know if I'm allowed to reply without commenting on my story, but Lou can always kill me...
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Wado
7:57 am | February 28, 2003
Not too bad. Keep up the writing. I particularly liked the way you made the story sound believable, like it really happenned.
I have two suggestions, take them or leave them. First, rewrite your stories all you want, but try to refrain from sending them in to Louis. Keep them for yourself and whomever else wants them, but frankly, sending in rewrites of published chapters is just giving Louis more work.
Second, you might consider removing some of the details from the story and adding some more emotion. I can understand the MC making things look easy because he IS that good, but somehow it is less enjoyable to read through descriptions of how one round of a burst pinged off of a Jackal's shield. That might be important if that WAS your last round and then you were out of ammo, but otherwise, the play-by-play accounting could be replaced by a simple "Three bursts, three enemies lay on the ground dead or dying...I quickly made three more virtual notches in my neural implant's memory...that made twelve confirmed kills...the Master Chief, however, didn't even count his kills anymore..."
Gosh I didn't mean to write so much...lol.
Keep up the writing, I'm looking forward to seeing more.
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Jerry
2:19 am | February 28, 2003
Thanks a lot. I submitted some revisions to the first chapter as well as the second chapter to Louis.
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Arthur Wellesly
4:56 pm | February 27, 2003
Hey, excellent story! Very well written, too. You made some very nice adjective choices. I am intrigued as to where the story is going to go next.
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