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Comments for 'If The Covenant Never Came: Section one-Silva' |
FOrunnER
12:01 am | November 30, -0001
I see, kind of a cool alternate reality thing you got going on. Pretty good, not great, but pretty good. Silva is a rat bastard and I hope he dies, but thats beside the point.
If this is an alternate reality, make sure to change a few things (ie, the ranks and/or conditions of a few charactors, ect.)
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guns_n_cars
12:01 am | November 30, -0001
yesm, i have changed a few characters..just ot yet, they're in planning.
This was my first one so i was just kind of seeing what people like.
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Helljumper
12:01 am | November 30, -0001
Damn ODST gone bad :( you need to slow the story down and put more details. paint a picture of wat the characters look like
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guns_n_cars
12:01 am | November 30, -0001
Ive worked on the for the next one, thsi was sort of a prologe.....just setting he stage for later stories
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MC's Cousin
12:01 am | November 30, -0001
I'm sorry, I couldn't finish reading that. Your writing technique is fine. Your grammar and punct. are just fine from what I could tell in the first "section". But the reason I couldn't finish reading is something else. As I walk across your hastily construstructed bridge feels like it is about to colasp on me. Like the others said, you go by way to fast and guess what else? Your image that you put on the Spartans is wrong. Just plain wrong. They don't sound like Soldiers, they sound like paintball players gone wild. I don't know, but if you expect people to read and like your work than you had better put some more work into your sculpture.
Signing Off
MCC
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phalanx3580
12:01 am | November 30, -0001
same as what the others said and i hate cliff enders damnit
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guns_n_cars
12:01 am | November 30, -0001
i actually agree with what everyone is saying......
This one was short, and rushed into the story to quickly.
An yeah, after reading it again...for about the 50th time, i relized what was wrong.....it doesnt feel very solider like, Gah, im going back and revising the the second and third ones...thanks for the tips
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pickle
12:01 am | November 30, -0001
silva is a jerk... but treason? i dunno, that's going a bit far, even for him... maybe ackerson woulda worked better. still pretty cool though, i'm definitly gonna read the rest of this series
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Sage Scorpion
12:01 am | November 30, -0001
Yeah, I agree with MC's Cousin. Bad. It's bad in a way that's hard to put into words. It was probably many different little things that just combined in my subconscious to give a general feeling of, well... Gah.
I felt like I was getting a summary, and a poor one at that, of all that had happened. Like someone who didn't care at all about what had happened was telling me, and they were talking too fast as well. You need to sit back and take the time to paint a highly vivid picture in the minds of your readers, if you hope to have any readers at all. A good addition would be something like... the thoughts running through MC's head during this whole thing. But, if you do that, then you need to keep them on a par with what they were described as in the Halo books, i.e., The Fall of Reach. Even though your story is what would have happened had the Covenant never shown up, that still woudn't change a SPARTAN's thought pattern.
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Heh heh
12:01 am | November 30, -0001
[b] bad [b/]
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Nick Kang
12:01 am | November 30, -0001
Yeah, just as MCC said, it sounds a lot like me in paintball.
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Nick Kang
12:01 am | November 30, -0001
And i don't think a pitol would do much against MJOLNIR.
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pickle
12:01 am | November 30, -0001
kang's rite, a pistol won't do much of anything really, especially against MJOLNIR. maybe if silva called in a squad of ODSTs that would present a problem. and if chief knew something was up, then why did he go alone? y no back up? or even a gun. seriously, the chief HATES working alone, as stated in the flood, not sure wat page though
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