12:36 pm | October 21, 2002
First off, "Okay, here we got team." Should it not be go team? It's the first sentence in your story did you proofread at all?
Ron light blinked on the HUD of the other 5 Spartans giving them the all clear. (Shouldn't it be Ron's light?)
Ron looked down both hallways and was reminded of the imaged and videos he was showed in his briefing, (Shouldn't it be images not imaged)
Hey! There's no gravity. The initial blasts must have knocked out that system or something" stated Dave. (Their should be a comma after something)
(OKay I just looked at the rest of your stuff you need to either A: Put a comma after someone talks, here's an example.)
"I see it," Said John.
(Or B: if it ends the sentence put exclamation, period, question mark, etc.)
"I think," John stopped for a moment, "We should go that way."
Okay Enough hounding you about bad grammar and spelling and stuff you get it right? Anyway now I'll tell you about the story itself.
OKay the story itself also needs alot of work. While the whole mission has to do with killing it never really sucked me in, and their was no real action. "After some while and a lot of ammo," man your story was short tell me what happens during that long while because it seems way to easy for the heros. You say it took you along time to do did you ever once proofread it???? Doesn't seem like it, well anyway I'm done for now I could point out your other spelling and grammar mistakes but my comment would be longer than your story. Keep Trying.