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Fan Fiction

Comments for 'Cry for a Hero part 3: Shattered Allies'

8:13 pm | August 19, 2002
YAY im back from running camp, and i see that there is a lot of controversy on mechs: they were just additional weapons, i still used warthogs and tanks. Mechs dont play the most important role in the story *cough*"through firery eyes" fan fic"*cough*
9:02 pm | August 17, 2002
This is the best one yet!!!! I loved when Cooper got into one of those mechs!!!!! That was a great idea to implement them into your story. Kinda makes sense, growing technology and I writing to much. Keep up this SERIES :)
6:23 am | August 16, 2002
Oh sorry the bullet him him, but same thing.. sorta. :)
6:14 am | August 16, 2002
And um... I think a shotgun would have a little more range, as in burn up the hero's head a bit! I mean come on its made for close quarters...! I dont really have anything remotely constructive here, then again I never do :)

But uh... A shotgun would have a little more range. I also noticed at one point where the guy noticed that the other guy stabbed one other guy "in the torso between the armor plates", I think that that could have been left out.

It is an easy error to make, just be careful about those, its kinda ovbious that if the stab is indeed successful then its between the plates.

6:05 am | August 16, 2002
Mech, mech, mech....

I dont care about the damn mechs merc, you used them creatively and you get burned, but they are used here and the author is still alive?

Nor really understanding that but hey; new ideas sometimes never fly, like uh....

Seaweed flavoured ice-cream... (Shudder) uuggh!

3:18 am | August 16, 2002
yay, mars bars! i see everyone is paying more attention to the other planets at home. Can i ever possibly be credited with makeing peoplee realize, they'rez a lot hapening in Sol. Wow, vivid descriptions diablo, profesionalism. Very professional.
5:42 pm | August 15, 2002
Mechs what does this look like a mech site. Mechs shouldn't be used here. No more mechs mechs are a stupid idea.
5:31 pm | August 15, 2002
lol "unnessary"
4:55 pm | August 15, 2002
Not too bad. I really like your dialog, flows nicely. Clever ideas also. Keep it up.

Now if you are still interested in my advice, I have a few things to say. Don't get me wrong, I don't want you to change your writing style on my account. These are just a few pointers.

First, try to cut down on the unnessary details. For instance, someone gets their ankle broken by the hero. Well big deal, that someone gets taken out later by a stun grenade. What's the point of even mentioning the broken ankle unless you plan on that someone coming back later with a limp and a big grudge against the hero -- but broken ankles heal, if you want a grudge, have the hero blow his leg off. And at one point a comrade goes down to a single bullet shot. Another detail that could have been saved for the aftermath.

And when you do include details, try to get them right. When you break an ankle in grappling, you don't break bones, you rip the tendons and you don't use all your strength with the break, it is more of a leverage technique. The same is true with most large joint locks. To break the bone you need to hit it with some force not grab it. If you do apply an ankle joint lock with lots of strength, you're more likely to torque the knee, maybe the ACL. And about the comrade that goes down to a bullet, you have way too many guys just ending up dead. Unless the bullet hits the brain or the central nervous system, with all the adrenaline in combat, they ain't going down that easily. It takes maybe 4 to 7 seconds for the guy to go down and that would be from the lack of blood pressure to the brain. That's plenty of time for them to shoot back, come up to you and stab you with a knife, etc. Just have the guy get shot, maybe describe the wound and let the reader's imagination believe the guy is some kind of superhero because he takes 5 shots in the chest and still manages to crawl behind cover before passing out. Don't let us know he's dead until later when you go to your old buddy and find he lies lifeless in a pool of blood.

I'm only sounding harsh because you asked me to comment on your stories so I'm trying to give you something useful. I'm not very good a critiquing things so I hope I didn't bum you out. Keep writing, though. I'll keep reading and I think I'll stop making these kinds of comments. I'm really not a know it all and I think I'm beginning to sound like one.

Oh I did like that the mechs were easily to use. I figure that if you make mechs take a pilot's license to use, you won't want them to be front line troops -- too expensive. Make them cheap and with controls a 7 year old could use, then you can send them into combat piloted by a bunch of clones or something (no don't let 7 year olds really use them).