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Comments for 'Stranded at Home Part 2'

2:44 am | January 26, 2003
Wado, thank you! You have given me the only truly helpful comment i have ever recieved! But anyway, you are right, I did say too much too early, but taht stuff is no longer of any use, you will see why next post of this story, but you are right, eery one of the stories I right has the same main character in it, not phsically as in the same person, but as in regards to the personality, they are all clones. I have only had two kinds of personality in every one of them, a colder person (who dies... quickly...) and a few friendly, upstanding Marines. But I generally also make them conservative, because, honestly, I am not too creative in regards to dialogue. The most clever, in my opinion was in Taking Tritus, but that was far from good (creativity wise) as most of the other things. But I rushed that one... Anyway, Wado, giver of the first helpful review, could you review my other fanfics for me? Well, besides the Fall of Lunar 4, I know where the problem points in that are... (The beggining..)
7:00 pm | January 25, 2003
these past few days have been like a ghost town for replies on fan fics, which kinda sucks because I just submitted the series finale of WOD. :I
6:42 pm | January 25, 2003
damn wado your good
12:47 pm | January 25, 2003
I can comment about the story Dispraiser. I liked parts of it but overall I think you could have done better. I'm not saying it is bad, you certainly have talent, so please don't take this the wrong way and I like your web site, I think it is pretty cool although I just tried getting to it and it seemed down.

Here are my suggestions:

First, the majority of the stories I've seen from you are written in the first person. Unless you want to keep the reader guessing just who the "I" is, I recommend a little introduction or note at the beginning of each part telling us who is the one talking in the story.

Second, you are guilty of one of the failings of many stories, that is that you give away information way too early (this is not finger pointing, it is a common thing that everyone, even published writers still have to deal with). What I mean, for example is near the beginning of the story the main character mentions that he got a map, a pistol, and a flare-gun out of a survival kit. The reader really doesn't need to know these details, in fact the details distract from the story. The character could have just said that he recovered the things he thought he would need from the survival kit and left the rest because he couldn't carry it all. Then later, when the character needs that flare gun and can't find it, you can talk about how he was careful to have pulled it out of the survival kit but somehow it is missing. So you talk about the missing flare gun and all in just one place when it is important in the story instead of way at the beginning and at the end. It helps if you build up character habits that might help the reader anticipate such things like that the character is a pack rat (thus might have any number of odd items in his possession) and is also very unorganized (so finding said items is often a major task).

Third the way the information is portrayed in the story is very assuming. Use dialog more to portray uncertain actions instead of unemotional descriptions. When the buddy was trying to hide from Covenant patrols, instead of saying "he was trying not to be seen" the buddy could have been described as being in a panic and muttering, "oh God, got to get to cover, got hide my tracks, I am a rabbit, a little rabbit, no one pays attention to a little rabbit, just getting to my hole, yeah just a little rabbit, think like a rabbit, become the rabbit, I am the rabbit..."... Well maybe a bit of an overkill but that's basically the picture of using dialog to paint a picture instead of directly explaining everything to the user.

I know this is long. Hope to see more from you, keep it up. Some of your stories I like better than others so this is just one of the misses as far as I go, but don't worry, I anticipate other hits from you too.
5:17 am | January 25, 2003
No one can explian it better than you wado :)
5:17 am | January 25, 2003
No on can explian it better than you wado :)
11:33 pm | January 24, 2003
I don't think anyone said you were bad. And, uh who the hell is The Fall of Starwalker? He must not be from HBO...
2:23 am | January 24, 2003
Also, I think that the story is doing fine, I mean one person makes frequent referances to it (the fall of starwalker), and one of the vehicles I created, the BAP (Bipedal Artillery Peice) has spawned a story of it's own from another author... Yeah, I have that one on my site, so go see that one, Vivd's role.
2:17 am | January 24, 2003

And yes, my site is bad, I will be the first to admit, but I am not trying to get tons of hits. But yeah, Gasmask is a great author, his when worlds collide series is great! But the only reason that I have a site is so that you can see my pictures related to Lunar 4. Bud damn, did you have to say that I was bad! Ah well, I'll keep writing as long as I have ideas, and I don't see that in the near future... But I get more than 15! I have something like 420 now, and it's been out for about 3 weeks, a little shy I think, but anyway, that is about 20 hits a day. Whi;le that isn't a lot, it still goes to show, people go, and if even one persona likes the fanfics, I'm ok with writing them. But yeah, any bad comments on the story (the only good comment is a bad one). I need some tips on writing if you want to call me bad.
11:35 pm | January 23, 2003
Whats the url to your website?
11:12 pm | January 23, 2003
heh, I was kinda thinking the same thing, mabye you should have waited a little while...
no one in particular
11:06 pm | January 23, 2003
Hits on your web site that is
No one in particlular
11:03 pm | January 23, 2003
heh, everytime someone mentions Mis Adventures of Master Chief, someone posts on that fan fic....keep it up dispraiser, but do you really need a web site devoted to your fan fics? I can see Wado, or Gruntkiller, or el_halo_diablo, or Ms-err Gasmask using a web site for their fan fics, but thats only cause they're good, and they have alot of fan fics. Mabye you shoulda waited to become a sorta verteran to HBO and have alot of fan fics bafore you go out and make a web site, how many hits do you get a day? 15?