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Comments for 'Derailed Part 3'

1:15 am | September 7, 2003
I suppose I can see where he's going, the train won't stop, but later on it does, in a big way. The mainstay of the battle is on the ground.
8:13 pm | September 5, 2003
Thank you, dammit.
Altho one guy said it was like Speed.
9:50 pm | September 4, 2003
"It's sorta like Under Seige 2"

Someone finally noticed. I saw Under Siege 2 a long time ago (April?) and decided that sometime one of my fanfics had to have a train in it. Congrats on your find...
7:39 pm | September 3, 2003
It's sorta like Under Seige 2 plus, you know, cool. Oh, and welcome back Wado. Nice to have ya.
11:22 am | September 3, 2003
Well, a 10 of 10 keeps the series going I guess...
Agent Shade
10:30 pm | September 2, 2003
lol, well, almost like a chat room here. sadly, i must turn to the good old "Good job 10/10" because i have absolutely no problem with this story. the mistakes mentioned by Wado are minor, to me anyway. well done, keep it up.

(sorry for spamming Dispraiser, but look for more stories coming from me)
8:18 pm | September 2, 2003
and in a thid post, to DUDE....

Your comment is a little off.... Instead of shutting down the engines or anything they knew that they woulnd't be able to stop before Awwek without brakse no matter what, but they did figure that getting through the Covenant lines would be a better alternative, so they didn't turn off the engines... They did the oppisite. Also it was a magnet train...
6:57 pm | September 2, 2003
Also, I would like to say that I am NOT DUDE... I realized afterreading the comments that it may have seemed odd that someone else came in to attack you, but all I can say is that it isn't me...
6:50 pm | September 2, 2003
Thanks for the comments Wado, and I've never taken any comment personally that shouldn't be (eg. not Anonymous attacks, which are generally random...). Anyway, heh, you make a good point about the city having a wall that wouldn't do anything for a space attack, but it would thwart a ground attack, and, as I can, I'll make a judgement call.... Awwek is the biggest city in Lunar 4 and has been beaten by almost 250 years of civil warfare from the west, and would probably have loads of guns in it as well as tons of fighters. Maybe the Humans managed to control space withing the range of Awwek.

Anyways, again, obvious logic states that of the replies I have recieved for all of my fanfics Wado's are among the best. Something like saying it is a good story is nice, but not helpful. When you can points out problems in the story or something, that helps. Maybe I'll add in something about the hero seeing a huge volley of missiles fly from Awwek into the air... Not really sure, but thanks for the comments... Welcome back to the fanfic world Wado!
11:42 am | September 2, 2003
Excellent job on the writing, Dispraiser.

Wado, it's amazing the patience you have with those type of people. It's bloody amazing.
6:41 am | September 2, 2003
LOL... I have to take the good with the bad, I still remember this comment:

2:44 AM | January 26, 2003
Wado, thank you! You have given me the only truly helpful comment i have ever recieved!...

Like I said, kudos to you Dispraiser. :)
3:30 am | September 2, 2003
Yes, Wado, for all the constructive criticism you provide and the amazing stories you write, I think your contributions to the HBO community is undervalued. I pride myself on writing good comments that help the author improve, not just saying "Good story, 10/10" for everything, and I would be defensive if someone came in and bashed me for some mistake I made while doing it, and I hate to see it happen to you.

To Dispraiser, except for the few inconsistencies Wado touched on, I found this to be an immensely entertaining story. I don't know why I didn't start reading it until your third chapter came out, as I remember you from the glory days of HBO fanfics, but I'm glad I read the series now. There is something about hand to hand fight where a broomstick is used, not to mention the fact the story's setting is on a train, that shows you have a knack for creativity. Keep it up, 9.4/10
Alpha Lance
10:10 pm | September 1, 2003
check this out

Alpha Lance: creator of Halo Trilogy©
Alpha Lance
7:50 pm | September 1, 2003
Man Wado. You got alot of time on your hand to be writting comments that long, lol.

And read my storys (Halo Trilogy), and my peoms.
6:23 pm | September 1, 2003
Oh and Dispraiser, I'm not asking for much, just take your great ideas to a slightly different level. For instance, as a suggestion you could have had the train engineer say the train grid can only be shutdown remotely and then add that communication to the train control center is down. Simply having no train control center to contact could foreshadow that the Covenant destroyed it or now control it.

As for the siege of the city, excellent drama. My complaint is that obviously the city is important, why else would it be sieged. There are billions of people on Earth, why does the Covenant only choose a few to siege, or any at all? My suggestion (and you could still do this in the next story) is have the Covenant do something unusual to siege the city, showing that they did their research and showing that the city is really something important to the Covenant. For instance, you could have had the cruisers fly in and go underwater, the city's defenses were never intended to fire underwater. Then their dropships could have come up from underwater, hugged the terrain and comeup just outside the city. Too close for the big guns to fire.

My suggestion is that the more planning you give the Covenant, the more important their target's seem. Decide what targets are important to the Covenant and give them a plan.

Hope this is less harsh. Sorry about all of this.
5:51 pm | September 1, 2003
Gee I guess I should read the story again then. Missed all that. Besides Dispraiser's been here a while and I know his writing from way back. He knows when I comment it is nothing personal, it is to help his writing. Well, you do know that don't you Dispraiser?

As for frictionless, that requires something like a magnetic field or cushion of something to ride on because, unless I missed where it was explained, there are no natural frictionless materials. That cushion needs something to generate it, either from the train or from the rail. If it is from the rail, then it could be shut down remotely, stopping the train. If it is from the train, then killing the power should stop it.

I spent 30 minutes reading and writing a comment I thought would inspire and help Dispraiser. I really like the guy. I hope you guys might at least put in a quarter of that time before writing comments in his defense. He deserves at least that much.

But I got the point, sorry if seemed too harsh. I did not intend on that.
5:36 pm | September 1, 2003
I enjoyed this episode and hope there are many more to come.
5:35 pm | September 1, 2003
Hey Wado... I know why the covenant didn't just glass the planet.

How would it feel that you went and kicked somebody's ass with out sitting in space behind a sheild and armor and other assorted defensive measures.
It would be like killing somebody with the AR, not a Sniper rifle. and besides, somebody had to have said something to the effect of, "hey, lets go fight for family honor and make ourselves better."
5:02 pm | September 1, 2003
Nice, compelling story. Kudos to you Dispraiser.

I have only two bad things to say about it though. First, not a big deal, but the Covenant had destroyers and in the same paragraph they suddenly were being called cruisers. Probably you rewrote some of it and forgot to go back and check what you had written before.

The other thing is stories like these seem timeless and you did an excellent job with the story, but the grasp of technology takes me back to something that might have happened in WWII on a Russian train to Kiev during the German invasion. The problem being that rocket artillery, tracer rounds, etc. against interstellar vessels in the 26th centuray does seem a bit far fetched. The ships could just target human heat sources and blast them with plasma bolts from high orbit. Stone walls would not stop 26th century bombs, or Covenant weapons for long. And trains would have multiple safety measures and you don't need brakes to stop. For instance, why not just turn the engine off (maybe I missed something where the power to the engines couldn't be turned off). You wouldn't brake but instead coast to a stop.

I'm not thrashing on you Dispraiser or your story. I think you write beautifully and the story is excellent. This story is a prime example of a story that in a few years could really rock. The emotion is there, but the world in which the story takes place is underdeveloped.

Keep up the excellent writing. Cheers.
8:13 pm | August 31, 2003
Kick ass story man! Keep it up. 10/10
Alpha Lance
5:45 pm | August 31, 2003
I totally agree with Walker, 10/10.
5:18 pm | August 31, 2003
cha-ching: 10/10. for some reason, this story left my mouth dry. i don't know, but i do know that was some damn fine writing.