They're Random, Baby!

Fan Fiction

Comments for 'Forced Betrayal (Chapter 2: Escape and Sabatoge)'

CoLd BlooDed
2:26 am | January 31, 2004
Alrite, thanks Madjackal, I have just read your first chapter of your new series, it was fucking awesome!
4:11 am | January 30, 2004
Good, the storyline intrigues me. I do have some suggestions for improvement here, though. The combat in this one could have used a bit more description. For example, when the group of renegades busts into the brig to free the prisoners, it would have been cool if you had described the reaction of the Covenant guards, such as a look of shock on the black-armored Elite's face when he realized that he was being shot at by friendlies. Maybe a hesitation from him before he raised his weapon to fire back. Anyway, it was still good! I'll make sure that I read the next chapters when I find the time (I'm a little strained for time right now).
CoLd BlooDed
8:32 pm | January 10, 2004
sorry ive been away, im at my friends currently...my comp at home is fucked along with msn!

*makes angry face*

Read my other story! lol
7:11 pm | December 31, 2003
my friend CoLd BlooDed is having computer problems and isn't able to go on the internet and wont be able to reply sry bout the incovienence.
Lurker_1000_200. Halo_pc King..=)
5:08 am | December 30, 2003
I always thought of the Serephs like the Covenant version of the Longsword. Not huge, but resonable.

Hey, Blue Dude, we are trying to help make his story better. He knows that. That's why he cares about the tenses.

Bwahahaha, that attempted slipspace-jump-to-explosion thing was cool!

1:41 am | December 30, 2003
Good story, its sorta sounding like mine too..Oh well, cant do much about it now. I also always though Seraphs were similar to banshee's, but I guess not eh? Well great story anyway, keep it up. 8.5/10
Blue Dude
11:17 pm | December 29, 2003
We arent in school.Who cares about was and were and stuff come on it was good
10:34 pm | December 29, 2003
It was good. I liked the first one a little better though.
10:23 pm | December 29, 2003
I liked it. But I had hoped they would steal the Implorer. Either way I like it.

Only things I saw:

Watch your was/were tenses.

There was an elite. (Singular)
There was a power coupling. (Singular)

There were seven elites. (Plural)
There were four power couplings. (Plural)

There was seven elites. (Plural noun with singular verb)

Also watch your tense changes:

They head off down the hall. When they arrived...

Head is present, arrived is past. Make sure to keep them all in the same form.
Blue Dude
6:22 pm | December 29, 2003
Nice story