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Comments for 'Untitled'

Thomas Harper
8:48 pm | March 7, 2004
i liked it. great job CoLd. sounded like a song....=:)lol.
Solidus Snake
11:32 pm | March 6, 2004
You've done better, but this was good. And hey, I submitted new lyrics, yay!
CoLd BlooDed
7:16 pm | March 6, 2004
I just submitted another poem, better than this one. They should be out the same time that Wu updates the FF section.
7:09 pm | March 6, 2004
Hey I just wrote a poem yesterday, when should it be arriving? And as i said about this poem interesting indeed... :
CoLd BlooDed
12:06 pm | March 6, 2004
I called it "A Hidden Goal" or something.
3:26 am | March 6, 2004
I don't like the Flood very much, so you won't see them much in any of my fan fics. Unless I do an entirely flood related one, but that's unlikely.
11:57 pm | March 5, 2004
Obsessions with the Flood =P. I liked it.
Jon M
11:12 pm | March 5, 2004
Rhyming isn't the point JJigg. Don't worry, we'll let you know what we think... =P
10:36 pm | March 5, 2004
Ouch...first 3 stanzas felt like you were trying too hard to make rhymes. I thought that by the fourth stanza it started to flow, and even felt enenrgized...don't fall into the rhyming pit of doom!
9:44 pm | March 5, 2004
I just submitted a crappy poem to HBO (it doesnt even ryhme!) and I am dreading its posting. (nervous shivers)
7:21 pm | March 5, 2004
Very nice. What's the title may I ask?
7:18 pm | March 5, 2004
Touching post dude
5:06 pm | March 5, 2004
Interesting indeed...
Jon M
4:09 pm | March 5, 2004
Well..come on get up and get down with the sickness why don't ya?

I'm not complaining. There are, however, some lines that gotta go. For ex...Stanza 1, line 4 would be so much better as, "You can tell I have no doubt." That works better in two ways: Rythm and Meter.

Those are my sugestions: Rythm and Meter.

The following is a (near) perfect refrain:

Everywhere I go,
Everythin' I see,
You just never stop,
Just leave me be!

Notice how each line has five syllables except the last. That's meter. (pentameter to be exact)

The feeling is there, the effort is there. Rythm and Meter, my friend.
Ermac of VGPro
4:03 pm | March 5, 2004
Haha, "Untitled"...

I like it as well. Good work..
CoLd BlooDed
3:44 pm | March 5, 2004
I made a mistake by forgetting to put in the title.
12:58 pm | March 5, 2004
Not bad at all. I really like it. I dont think I've said that for any non-humorous peom yet. Nice work.
12:58 pm | March 5, 2004
Nice. Really nice. (sniff)