They're Random, Baby!

Fan Fiction

Comments for 'Forced Betrayal (Chapter 4: Vulnerable but Vital)'

5:03 am | February 26, 2004
Good, getting better. A small technical error: Shiva missiles are nuclear missiles. A single Shiva would have wiped those Seraphs from existance. I think that you were thinking of Archer missiles at the time. Don't worry, it was nothing, I was just shocked when I thought that Evans had just fired two nuclear missiles at a small group of Seraphs. Walker is right about the speech patterns. I don't know about how you worked things in the rest of the series yet, but they do sound a little like cocky humans. Oh, and I don't know whether they have renouced their gods as well as their society, but if they haven't it is sometimes good to have references to the gods in their thoughts, as the Covenant tend to be very religious.
CoLd BlooDed
12:49 pm | January 29, 2004
Well, I guess that happens when you write stories about the humans. I'll try and fix up their speech patterns and slow things down, thanks for the tip Walker.
12:04 pm | January 29, 2004
Very interesting plotline. Very interesting. Well written.

My only complaints are that the Elites seemed too much like cocky humans at times, and you used a single chapter to take out an entire Halo. Slow things down a bit, be more careful on how you write the Covenant speech patterns, and this series will shine.

Other than that... 9/10.

Semper Fi

CoLd BlooDed
11:33 pm | January 28, 2004
Thanks, crashed, I'll be sure to read your next story.
5:39 am | January 28, 2004
hey this is great, i really like the rebel idea =) fantastic, keep this up! 9.5/10
CoLd BlooDed
4:56 am | January 28, 2004
My method is I only seperate the paragraphs when a person is talking.
Agent Shade
4:32 am | January 28, 2004
impressive, very impressive. i for some reason that is unknown to me expected worse writing, but this was very good. my only concern was, work on your overall story structure. you would put spaces between your paragraphs, but then you wouldn't. not a huge problem, just a concern. keep it up
1:50 am | January 28, 2004
"What would make it easier?" asked 'Rolatree over the COM system.

What's a 'Rolatree? :P

Very cool, I just wish I could've seen it earlier. . . O.o
CoLd BlooDed
11:30 pm | January 27, 2004
Thanks Awacar and teemus.

No problem Awacar, I enjoyed your story and I hope you enjoyed mine.
5:30 pm | January 27, 2004
2:33 pm | January 27, 2004
Like where this is going. Great writing, the level of detail makes me feel present in your story. The next chapter will be worth waiting for.

Thanks for the post on my story.