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Comments for 'War Is Hell: Chapter 2: Rub Out'



Mind_Affecting_Parasite
5:31 pm | May 22, 2004
Hey Burny, just in case you come back here. My ninth chapter is out. Just on the third page.

-MAP
Unknown
1:46 pm | May 16, 2004
Code??
Burny
8:20 pm | May 8, 2004
Lol, agreed
Nick Kang
3:56 pm | May 8, 2004
As long as MCC is around, o one's story is perfect.

NK
Burny
8:42 pm | May 7, 2004
Grrr...everytime I think I got it right, I get it wron somehow. Although this critism helps, it's starting to nag at me...
MC's Cousin
1:01 pm | May 6, 2004
Well, you did improve. But I still had to take notes. I see you took up my advice, with what I mentioned before, but brought up some that were not present before.
Heh, it was interesting that you used my name in your Author's Note, though.

As an overall story comment, it seemed a little rished. Your descriptions didn't get into the story enough. The result, was that is went by too quickly, and didn't let the reader (MCC) get fully into the story. Also it was a little jumbled in places. Slow down, let the story flow out and carry the reader along. But don't try to pull us down the river.

First: "Covenant trip wire"? Well, I like the idea, but I would think they would go for something a little different. Like motion sensors or something.

Second: Your descriptions are a little lacking in some places. Try to work on that for us, get us into the story and make us feel like we are there!

Third-A: More towards first degree burns? Nope. Sorry Burny, but "charred black and glowing a faint red" is not first degree. I'm making an educated guess that you have neve been burnt very bad. I really can't descibe what each one looks like here, with words. So look it up on Google images. Your description would probably be closer to THIRD degree burns. And I'm thinkin' that he would have been in a little bit more pain.
Third-B: Yup, I wouldn't dought that a plasma hit or two would burn through a Marines armor.

Fourth: "Rainbow Six"? Well, well, well. It looks like we have another Ubi Soft fan here. DOn't worry, I love those games myself. Also, I nned to get my filthy hands on Pandora Tomorrow. But, I'm not to sure about your reference there...

Fifth and Finally: Your military "stuff" sounds a little off to me. One thing that cought my attention was how you addressed people in your dialogue. You seemed to have people call other people by their full name. I think that is a little odd. Don't use [rank] [first name] [last name]. Use one or two. Like rank then first OR last name, not all three. How would you likt it if everytime someone adressed you they used three or four name pieces to do so?

Phew, another long comment for you. I promise if you work on all the stuff we advise, you will have better FF. Heck, that's my job: correct and critisize...

Signing Off


MCC
MC's Cousin
1:01 pm | May 6, 2004
Damn keyboard...

Signing Off


MCC
Mainevent
11:33 am | May 6, 2004
Not bad at all.

Though the Covie is a little to informal for a storie like this, unless he is saying or thinking it personally.

And yes, Covies are homosexual.

PS: Code doesn't work in the comments section.
Burny
9:23 am | May 6, 2004
Mainevent, they're thinking it personally. I mean, since Halo or wherever they'd have come from, don't you thnk they'd start to think more tactically?
Mainevent
12:43 am | May 6, 2004
I thought they just had very limber necks.
Nick Kang
12:29 am | May 6, 2004
Yes...alas, our beloved code is only limited to the stories...*depressed sigh*

Anyway, great story, and to answer the question of the day, yes, the Covenant are very, very gay. Why do you think Grunts sleep with their head in their legs?

NK
Burny
5:58 pm | May 5, 2004
*hopes for good reviews*
Burny
5:58 pm | May 5, 2004
I noticed a few mistakes wile looking this over...

For example, in the line "Mark pulled his pant leg up...", [i]up[/i] is supposed to be down. These mistakes are few, though.


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