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Comments for 'Ascendant Part VII' |
Mercforhire
10:03 pm | July 25, 2002
This is a ok story a few mistakes though nothing too big. Read my story Through Fiery Eyes.
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Sarge
10:01 pm | July 25, 2002
Yes i graduated from Yale... nice story seems a little rushed though, o i already said that.
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Arch
12:59 pm | July 25, 2002
Good to hear from you Sarge! Did you get a degree in english while you were away, by any chance?
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Brigad of marines
11:15 am | July 25, 2002
Sarge you can start a sentence with And or But all that it requiers is (I forgot what type)a word followed by a comma, but it is a harder sentence to write then. If you want to use but or and though my english teacher said the way you did or just change the word like a normal sentance
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Sarge
5:42 pm | July 24, 2002
Well you can start it with and or but, but if you do it makes your story sound some what choppy and it doesn't flow as easily.
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Sarge
1:08 am | July 24, 2002
Here are some mistakes I found not too much. Good story BTW.I had had just about enough. (Try not to repeat the same word twice.)Even with the advanced training included inside the neural implant, there was still a scorched husk inside MJOLNIRNX armor lying to my right, a hole in the faceplate. (This sentence is just all funked up try editing it some.) But I was growing very sick of it. Try not to start a sentence with and or but. (If it starts with and or but it can probably be combined with the sentence before.) The Hunters seemed content just to sit there and shoot at me. Whatever empowered the creatures to have that kind of patience is beyond me, but I am growing very sick of it. (See it gets rid of the but.)So much for the long distance tactics. (This is a fragment it’s not an actual sentence there is no noun or verb. Try doing this…) I still had 3 decks of hell to get through if I wanted to blast these ************(Grr), so much for the long-distance tactics. All were cut down by fire from myself and my fellow Spartans. (This should be changed to all were cut down by fire from my fellow Spartans and myself.)This story actually wasn’t as good as your last one it seems as though you rushed it. You should try taking more time and not rushing so much. Sorry for the negative comments but I felt it lacked the proper editing a great story like this deserves. I’ve been reading a lot of tutorials and writing aids and it helped me to notice things like this.
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saturn
12:45 am | July 24, 2002
save the normals! and bring some beer. mucho...coolio. bust out the next ones quick. You will not be hearing from me for a long time; im goin to hell and back.
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Arch
9:21 pm | July 22, 2002
Damn straight. I've got the next part pretty much written up, and it's long, so John117, you got your wish. I've just gotta finetune it....
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saturn
7:12 pm | July 21, 2002
dang. Muscle Mike takes out 4 hunters, without a gun. don't let the bridge fall, help the normal people live.
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Spartan415
5:40 pm | July 21, 2002
Awesome, get the next one out soon and not as late as this one.
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John117
4:42 pm | July 21, 2002
What are you talking about, "last one wasn't so good". The last book was great. Humans as forerunners. Glad to see that someone finnaly went to read the theiry's (sorry about the spelling) on the forerunner. Stop reading this though and get back to writing now. I've got the need, the need to read.
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