5:21 am | March 6, 2002
A few things to shoot for:
Proofread! More. There's few spots that are just obvious typos ÷ easily catchable if you look it over.
Watch that capitalization... proper nouns especially.
Try to smooth out the flow of the sentences a little bit more; it's a little broken as it is.
On the whole, however, excellent work. Keep it up :)