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Comments for 'John 117: The Second Coming Part Two: Trained to attack with any vehicle?' |
Anonymous
10:01 pm | October 17, 2002
WTF
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HI!!!!!!
11:04 am | October 16, 2002
.
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huh?
11:04 am | October 16, 2002
Blah.
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Anonymous
1:44 am | October 16, 2002
write more on this story its got a good story line so far
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gruntkiller
5:20 pm | October 15, 2002
ok it could go with a lot more explaining would be required to make this story better but other than that keep it up
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Sarge
10:32 am | October 15, 2002
If that sounds familiar don't tell
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Sarge
8:40 pm | October 14, 2002
What I'm talking about is what all your English teachers gripe at you about. Okay your storyy is primarily made up of what I call simple sentences. Here let me give you an example.
AN easy sentence like... He took the box.>>>>>>>>>>>This is what your story is primarily made out of.(Not entirely Note: This is why I put it at the end of my complaints erm feedbacks). Let's change it a bit now>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> He took the box tearing it open and quickly grabbing the Plasma Grenade from within.>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Which one is better?
Now lets try this He took the box. He tore it open>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>. Yawn sounds like something out of my history book. You see if you change the structure of your sentences from time to time you will improve the stories overall flow.
I'm not saying it intirely composed of these sentences I just think you used that kind of thing too much(Notice that kind of thing I'm just giveing you one of the reason its an itty bitty tiny one).
But wait theirs still more! BUt wait I'm too lzy to post it all Have a nice day.
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WildebeestNZ
4:14 am | October 14, 2002
FINALLY some detailed feedback. Yeah I was thinking about the cursing, but i threw it in just to see wat people thought...d/w ill take it out again. I'll restart the story eh?Don't know what you mean about incorrect sentence structure though?
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Sarge
10:01 pm | October 13, 2002
I don't like it I'm not saying quit I'm saying do it again but improve(You'll find I tend to be quite blunt).
I find the dialogue strangely confusing(Might of been the Cam'Ron I had blaring in the background).
Father Sarge says: Swearing his bad and innapropriate. Since Halo doesn't even allow the f word why should it be in this story?
Theirs also alot of incorrect sentence structure. SO fix all this and you might have a good story(Of course if you put the MC back into charachter)
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WildebeestNZ
9:14 pm | October 13, 2002
cheerrs for the feedback MC21 ill take it into account :)
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MasterChief21
3:23 am | October 13, 2002
Its pretty good, a little hard to follow at times and curses could be used a little less (if i remember correctly, John has a tendency not to curse) but other than that, its pretty good.
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WildebeestNZ
10:24 pm | October 12, 2002
OK, so I know you're all thinking that was somewhat unlike John because of his aggressiveness, but just think about how you'd feel if some wankers came and blew up your planet, you'd be pretty pissed off as well :-Pnotwithstanding that, i was wondering if i could get some feedback on my story, things u mite like to see, improvements etc.cheersbeest
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