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Comments for 'The Battle For Sigma Octanus Chapter 4 Overrun' |
monitor101
11:26 pm | March 1, 2003
Hey Nike the last chapter was a mess up koo about your storys.
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Nike
8:46 pm | March 1, 2003
I might have to take that tip into consideration as well. Good job with this story. But since the last part was called Overrun, I think that this chapter should have been called Chapter 4: Overrun (Again).
(Yes, I might be spamming, but you don't care, right?) Anyway, I sent in Part 4: Chapter 7 of E:AHT. Here's something that I want to give a hint to: See, I mentioned in part 1 that E:AHT had been on my computer a long time. Halfway through the story, I had already gathered ideas for a sequel to E:AHT. It's called "The S'phiff" (shipiff) and it takes place two years after E:AHT.
Also, when Halo 2 comes out (and I play through it), I might make a sequel to it. But I've got a long way to go to the get it. My spamming ends...now.
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Wado
12:38 pm | March 1, 2003
Hmmm... You have a talent for giving the cut and dry. I enjoyed reading the story, it was fast paced but I didn't feel that you were rushing the plot along. Nice Job.
I suggest that you consider a slight writing style change. I normally don't like to give advice about writing styles since they are part of a writer's creativity, so I hope you will take it as a suggestion and not a complaint.
My suggestion is that you give the reader some written breaks from the action. What I mean is that your story had a lot of continuous action, it almost verged on action overload. What people do when there is "too" much going on is that they start to tune things out to avoid getting overwhelmed -- this is what your story should do also. When there is too much going on, tune the excess out of the story, focus on just the important stuff.
Example: This paragraph from the story....
Several men were getting hit. One marine was hit in the knee, the lower half of his leg was mangled. Another man was about to throw a grenade when a plasma grenade landed on his foot. The man screamed as the grenade sizzled then exploded sending the marine into the air. He landed next to Stacker. Stacker looked at him, his legs were masses of blood and gore and his face was badly burned. Stacker looked away in disgust. He knew the marine was close to death.
Could be written more like this...
The incoming fire from the Covenant was tremendous. The enemy had positioned in a bunker just 400 meters up a hill. From the bunker, small groups of grunts rushed down under cover fire at Stacker's postion. Several of his men were taking hits, Stacker knew this, but all Stacker could do was to keep his head down. One marine screamed as a grenade sizzled then exploded sending him into the air. He landed next to Stacker. Stacker looked at him, the marine's legs were masses of blood and gore and his face was badly burned. Stacker looked away in disgust. He knew the marine was close to death.
Stacker had to keep focused on the battle, it was all too easy to freakout, but now was not the time. Grenades meant the enemy was close.
Like a godsend, Stacker raised up over the trench wall firing full auto; marines everywhere followed, popping out from their hiding places. There before the Stacker was not a small group of grunts but instead, rushing toward the human lines, were hundreds of Covenant.
Seven second later, all the enemy lay on the ground, a dying mass. They had grossly underestimated the strength of the marine force. The enemy would not make that same mistake a second time, Stacker knew this.
For the moment there was dead silence. Slowly, over the silence, the cries of the wounded echoed across the valley. One marine next to Stacker had been hit in the knee, the lower half of his leg was mangled. Stacker made a call for a medic and applied first aid as best he could to the wounded marine...
etc.
I hope this helps. ;)
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Wado
11:01 am | March 1, 2003
No metric system, I'll try to remember that Monitor101. Sounds like you might have a story about this...;)
Anyway, write however you want, just keep writing, you have talent.
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Monitor101
2:15 am | March 1, 2003
Wado my writing style is a lot diffrent from yours.
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Monitor101
2:12 am | March 1, 2003
Hey thanx for the tip but if you ever give me suggestions again never and I mean never use the metric system around me.
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Monitor101
5:06 am | February 28, 2003
This is a diffrent chapter than the last one to anyone who reads this they just have the same name.
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