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Comments for 'Battlefield Earth: Mission One' |
Plotmaster General( aka Mainevent)
9:14 pm | September 5, 2003
I believe that there are 2 things to making a successful war story.
1) Plot
2) Fights
Plot: The plot in a war story doesn't have to be as original as say a drama, comedy, or horror for that matter (not that there are many good horror movies with deep plots). There does however, have to be a fairly large collection of believable and emotional characters.
If I don't like at least one of the characters, there is no way I will care when he dies. So what will keep me reading on? Nothing.
It's a fan fiction, so don't be afraid to come up with some new and innovative weapons and materials. (Just try to make them believable, and fit in well with the story world.)
Fights: Fights don't have to be too long, nor do they need to be reduced to a single sentence. I don't read about Halo for the great talks between John and everyone else, I like the fights. But I need believability. You don't just walk into a room, find a group of people, and suddenly fight. Come up with an entertaining scenario.
Elaborate the actions performed by the characters, I don't wanna hear "He hit the elite and he fell down on his butt. John said "joo suxorz n00b". Try to get a little more detailed.
"John's enormous metallic glove cratered the alien fighter's skull on impact, crushing the skull and facial organs in a torrent of vicious blows."
Or something along that line.
Hope I could help.
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Master_Chief189
9:48 pm | September 4, 2003
i will improve on it ohh and the next storie will be ARCNINE not another halo, another day.
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Alpha Lance
9:50 pm | September 2, 2003
I never bitch you out D. And the story was great. 9.7/10
Alpha Lance
Creator of Halo Trilogy
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Master_Chief189
9:48 pm | September 2, 2003
i will work on it.
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Brendan Harther
8:13 pm | September 2, 2003
I love what you said Dispraiser. And MC189, you had a good story, but you could have improvement. You also seem to jump to a new scene every 3 sentences. I wish you luck on this fanfic.
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Dispraiser
8:06 pm | September 2, 2003
Thanks. If I'm the only one to give anything but a 10 of 10 people usually bitch me out...
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Mainevent
7:35 pm | September 2, 2003
I quote Dispraiser fully.
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Dispraiser
7:15 pm | September 2, 2003
*sighs*
I can't complain about grammer, ect too much before I come upon a situation like this.
This is what we call an unoriginal fanfic. There are a few things that you can do to make it original. Let me list them.
1.) Do not use MC as the main character, that is a dumb mistake to make because Bungie can prove you wrong with a twiddle of their thumbs, and will because the game is not predictable.
2.) Do not use another book's name. It is okay in a parody or sarcastic title, but when you just use Battlefield Earth (the title of a crumby book/movie by Ron L Hubbard) it seems a little unoriginal.
3.) Look at YOUR name and it might teach you a thing or two. You are Master Chief number [I]189[/I]. There are TONS of MCs out there, and even more MC based fanfics, especially where he boards a Covenant ship to catch a Prophet...
4.) Good fight scenes. Half of the people here are bloodthirsty idiots, and are looking for nothing more than a big fight. This is something I struggled with once before, putting in too much dialogue vs fights, but you don't seem to have that exact problem. Instead you skip over the fight scenes... Sometimes an original fight scene can save a fanfic.
Sorry for the long reply, and somewhat harsh one, but originality is a virtue, and you need something to make your fanfics stand out from the horde. Best of luck to you in your fanfics.
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Dispraiser
7:15 pm | September 2, 2003
Also... Sorry to comment again, but add some aureate feel to your fanfics. Lots of decedant words can make you seem smarter. Instead of he jumped into space say something like this:
The door of the longsword twitched open, and air rushed out past the Master Chief. In the distance he could see the expanses of a purple monolith, its span seeming to stretch across the horizons of space. As the amazment seemed to subside the Master Chief Turned to his task at hand. The cold tendrils of space wrapped themselves around his suit and seemed to pull him into its expanse. Without realizing it his feet had left the ship. For a peaceful moment the Master Chief's armor glowed a brilliant white, as the Covenant plasma torpedo lurched past him and struck the longsword, this act of war signalling the end of his moment of peace. This was going to be one rough ride...
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Master_Chief189
6:12 pm | September 2, 2003
i will work on it
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hornet34
3:41 pm | September 2, 2003
This story is a huge improvement over your first. The dialouge was arranged in a sensible manner, The Master Chief acted more like himself, and there was even a little creativity with the use of the vents and the MC shooting out the lights.
BUT, there is still a lot of work to be done. Just because everyone stresses the importance of plot doesn't mean you can ignore the fight scenes. Many of your fights consisted of two sentences. Describe the action more. Also, don't feel like you have to rush. A great writer could spend three or four chapters on the MC just boarding the ship and searching for the prophet. You had him doing that and more in one. Keep working at it, your improvement shows you have definite potential.
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