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Comments for 'The Story of Hitomi: Part One' |
MasterGrunt
10:59 pm | September 15, 2003
An okay story but the part about hitomi acting all girlish kinda scared me. Remember hitomi is spartan not a princess. One other thing I highly doubt that even a spartan could carry that many weapons. You have tou remember that each of those weapons probably weighs around 9 to 12 pounds. Besides this you also went through everything pretty fast. Overall I give it an 8.2
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Sergeant B
9:48 am | September 15, 2003
Does that really matter how many sentences their are that I got right?
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Sergeant B
9:48 am | September 15, 2003
Does that really matter how many sentences their are that I got right?
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Walker
12:57 am | September 15, 2003
Kaboose, you have ever been a friend and faithful reader. I like you, and I like your comments, but your story could use a little work:
a) Spartan love? Questionable, but okay. Just remember, in TFOR it sates that one of the side effects of the augmentation surgeries was a suppressed sexual drive.
b) At the end Hitomi got all girly... that was kinda scary. She cried and changed into girly clothes... something you wouldn't expect a Spartan to do, even if they owned such clothing in the first place.
c) Pink MJOLNIR battle armor was also a bit disturbing... another fact attributing to the girlyness.
d) You claimed Hitomi's shotgun shot bullets. Just a note: Shotguns shoot shot. Rifles shoot bullets. Probably just a typo.
e) You mentioned the MA2B "battle rifle", while in TFOR the MA2B is designated a carbine version of the MA5B with a bult-in silencer.
d) Swords are a rather ineffective weapon, starting at about 1870 when repeating rifles became widespread. Especially in the military. I can understand how a Spartan could survive long enough to get close enough to use one, but you would think they would use something more compact like a knife. However, that's not important. It's your story, you can have swords if you want.
That's pretty much all I have to say, other than you needed a lot more description. It seemed like they were in and out of major firefights in a matter of seconds.
You can imrpove on this--I know you can. It was very good for a first story--this is your first story, right? Even if it's not, this was good. I give it an 8.25/10, which should give you a lot of room to improve.
Semper Fi
-Walker
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simmons
1:21 am | September 12, 2003
nice story a story has love and battle in it lol
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Kaboose
8:51 pm | September 11, 2003
oh...thanx MainEvent..i'll keep that in mine
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Kaboose
8:51 pm | September 11, 2003
* Mind
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Mainevent
7:17 pm | September 11, 2003
*paragraph
mah bad
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Mainevent
7:15 pm | September 11, 2003
While a standard paragraph is supposed to encompass 5-7 sentences, in stories it is often better to only begin a new sentence when there is a break or pause in the action.
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Kaboose
7:15 pm | September 11, 2003
Sergeant B, a paragraph is only supposed to have 5-7 sentences...
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Kaboose
7:15 pm | September 11, 2003
Sergeant B, a paragraph is only supposed to have 5-7 sentences...
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Sergeant B
6:59 pm | September 11, 2003
Okay. But you skip scenes alot. And don't start new paragraphs every 5 sentences or something. That's what happened to me also. It also needs a little more detail description. Good Luck Man.
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Kaboose
6:57 pm | September 11, 2003
Thanx for the comments...i'll try my best to fix up Part 3!
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someone
6:18 pm | September 11, 2003
Needs more details and more descriptive action.
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hunterripper
5:38 pm | September 11, 2003
I think it should be a little longer though. Good story!
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Hikaru-119
3:43 pm | September 11, 2003
Despite multiple grammatical errors that spell check doesn't grab you've got a good start. Work on your later installments a bit more and add some more "shine" to your work. Meaning more voilent details. It helps with the whole visualization thing.
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