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Comments for 'The Darkness and the Light - Chapter 2:' |
JanstheMan
3:03 am | April 13, 2004
Keep on going, this story is great.
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Zendorin
2:35 pm | February 28, 2004
First chapter was great, and suprisingly enough you managed to surpass the quality of the first one in this one. Very good, keep up the terrific work. Do something for me though, get the third chapter out faster than you did the second one.
-Zendorin
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Jon M
3:06 am | February 28, 2004
Okay, this is very nice. I'm seeing a little William Gibson meets Ian Flemming.
Here's the pat on the back....The opening was good and the rest of the scenes were sequenced well. Most of the descriptions had some novel elements in them. I especially liked this sentence as a model, "Innumerable suspended walkways similar to the one he stood on spanned the heavens miles high, as huge towers and spires looked down on all."
The main problem I see you needing to work on is the use of cliches in many of the descriptions.
Cliches like, "The interior was dark, and melancholy music played over hidden speakers." What is melancholy music? (a cliche, or course, but, it's vague too) A better way to describe it may have been to say how it made him feel rather than have the third-person-omnipotent narrator insert his (your) opinion. Other cliches include things like, "flocking to the car like moths to light." However the following two cliches, "lit up the sky with an eerie, artificial glow, shimmering in the cool night air," is followed by the great description of a train as a lighted snake..so what I'm saying it that you've got the metaphor generator turned on and that's good, but you've got to watch out for the cliches or you'll end us saying things like, "Time marches on toward a glorious end where they met in the tall grass of heaven."
Once again, great idea and clear progression. Keep it up.
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Mind_Affecting_Parasite
4:52 pm | February 27, 2004
I'm glad you like it (right back at'cha)--but could you like comment on them. The more the marrier, it's getting slim in my comments page lately.
-MAP
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MC's Cousin
2:08 pm | February 27, 2004
Awww...thanks man, and your welcome too. That brings warmth to my heart to know I can help. That my purpose though. I've even been thinkin' about writing a few stories myself, but-I'm not sure. We'll see...
Signing Off
MCC
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Cold BlooDed
12:15 pm | February 27, 2004
Wow, that was long, and awesomely written too. Keep it up Delta, I'm waiting for the next one.
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IAmDelta
5:28 am | February 27, 2004
Yeah MCC I went a little overboard (I have a phobia about vague pronouns so I tend to use names too much). I agree with you guys about the Elite, but because I'm supposed to argue for my story...he was...too stunned by just being tripped to do anything ;). Yeah thats it, lol. Also remember he was inviso, so he focuses on stealth not strength. Well, I tried... Still, you guys are right. I would fix it, but the downfall of posting stories this way is that you have to go with what you've already written. Cold, MAP, and Hell, I've read your stuff (I like it all), and MCC, you're always making the comments on fics that I wanted to make but you got to first, so your comments mean a lot to me. Thanks.
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Mind_Affecting_Parasite
8:21 pm | February 26, 2004
Ah. That was nice, a story about a pro thief like guy. I can relate with that...no but It was still good. And the plot gets thicker, oddly.
-MAP
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MC's Cousin
11:06 am | February 26, 2004
If only for me, keep writing this. I like it. True that a human would probably be thrown off the back of an Elite trying to hold it down, but it was still good. Although it sounded just a tad...jerky? I think that would be the word. Wrok on a flow a little bit, it seemed like you used "John" in every other sentence.
I was reading along, and about halfway down the page I said to myself: "This is alright, but the way it sounds, I'm not sure I can finish the whole thing without loosing interest." BUT...I din't end up loosing interest, it was good enough for at least that. Keep up the goodness.
Signing Off
MCC
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Helljumper
7:03 am | February 26, 2004
That was good, it is novel worthy. You describe things really well. A human in hand to hand with an Elite would lose, just so u know. I was wondering how you were gonna tie ya story in with Halo. Lets see where this is going
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IAmDelta
4:11 am | February 26, 2004
Obviously theres something wrong with this...I guess its too boring or something. Any comments would be appreciated. I guess I'll take a break and just write some random action-packed story. That seems to be what people want...
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