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Fan Fiction

Why Most Stories on HBO Are Total Crap
Posted By: Sterfrye36<Sterfrye36@yahoo.com>
Date: 26 June 2004, 3:03 PM

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      This is my comedy entry for the Enkidu competition. And it's...not exactly a brilliant comedy. It's kind of stupid. Enjoy!

      Darren sat at his computer and grinned at his finished work. It was two hundred words long, and he very nearly kissed his computer in pride. He could feel it in his gut; this was the best piece of fan fiction ever written for Halo. The eight-year-old felt immensely proud of one passage in particular:

      The Master chief fired him dassaultr ilfe killing THree gruntss "Gruns douns he yeled into his helmet" Good job" john! Keyes screamed]. Sargent Johnson ran up to the Spartani and took his h&at off? Kissed him

      THE ENDD

      It was an epic.

      Truthfully, he knew it surpassed any of his previous attempts. He thought his earlier writings left much to be desired: he mistook Halo.Bungie.Org for Home Box Office and had tried to submit a movie script for Doom. However, the guardian to the gate of the glorious Fan Fiction section, Louis Wu, had denied him and sent a rather nasty e-mail demanding that he at least graduate from second-grade before he tried his hand at writing again. He hit the "Send" button to finalize his story and send it in.

      Three hours later, Louis Wu booted his computer up and began the daily ritual of slogging through his e-mail. As the guardian bounced his son up and down on his knee, he clipped through the usual crap: An offer for a pill that would make one's chest bigger by four inches, a cream that promised to make him looked twenty years younger and one that promised "AN EXTRA THREE INCHES!!!" in his groin area. He'd get back to that first one later and vaguely wondered what he'd look like if he took all three. Without fail, Wu saw the typical email of some wannabe writer sitting his inbox. The subject line read: Me the beast fan ficktion evAr!
      The High Pubaa's facial expression didn't even change. He reached into his deleted emails and found one from earlier from the same person: DOOOOOMMOVIESKRIPTT!!! For a laugh, Wu read through Darren's email and was in pain by the end of it. Why had he taken this job? Louis printed it off anyway; he was running out of toilet paper. Then, as it had many times before, his hand moved the mouse slowly but surely towards the "Delete" button...but never clicked it. The bile had been rising as he read the email, and the urge became too great.
      Wu put his son down in the chair, grabbed the printed off story and ran off to the bathroom, where sounds of retching could be heard. Wu's son realized that he'd was alone and took it upon himself to see that daddy's job was completed and that the story was submitted. He knew he only had about 4.2 minutes, but daddy had a tough job, and he knew it was his duty to help out. His tiny fingers danced across the keyboard as he typed in HBO's address, used the password "Tutu" to gain entry to the admin section and quickly loaded the story onto the server. He clicked out of the window right before Wu came back in, gurgling Listerine to get rid of the taste, totally unaware of what had happened in his absence.

      Two days later, Wu updated the section to the delight of many. Agent Shade, Mainevent, FOrerunnER, Nick Kang, Hunter_Killer, Helljumper, Sterfrye36 and others read through them eagerly and accepted compliments on their own writings. At the very bottom of the page, however...

      ULTImATE Vattle pqrt One: Read/Post Comments
      Posted By: darren
      Date: 24 May 2004, 12:22 PM

      Immediately everyone who saw the title was petrified. The first sign of an awful newb story was an improperly capitalized title. Those that read it either laughed so hard they cried, or just plain out cried. This had to be the worst piece of fan fiction that they had ever seen!
      Meanwhile Darren's mother, a newspaper editor for The New York Times, sighed explosively when she realized Darren hadn't cleaned the desktop up after he had used it; dozens of windows were open. They were on everything on how to multiply (for his homework), what color Christopher Columbus's hair was (more homework), and several ads for porn sights (!). His mother minimized the homework and clicked out of the porn ad windows. As she did, she suddenly realized that, not only were they porn sights, they were gay porn sights!
      The very thought of Darren seeing something so ghastly sent a shiver down her spine. She almost closed out the HBO window, but recognized her son's screen name as the author. Intrigued, she read the story...and was in tears by the middle. How had she given birth to such a moron? She jumped to the comments page:

10:59 AM/ May 26, 2004
Egad, that was awful. You'd better stop writing like this or someone is going to start using your stories for toilet paper!

Nick Kang
10:30 AM/ May 26, 2004
I stopped reading after the first sentence. "The Ma Chief ran duck besidess
wall?" I don't believe this. Why the heck is Wu letting these get by? Is his baby doing the updates? Oh, well, I suppose that this update could have gone worse. We've got what, fifty-two stories in this one alone? And that was after he deleted the UNREADABLE STUFF!

9:46 AM/ May 26, 2004
Use the psuedocode, moron! Is your head one entire, sweaty, aerobic teacher's buttock cleavage? You have no ability to write!

9:22 AM/ May 26, 2004
Did no one else notice the gay right's angle in that thing? "He striped down to an thong." Yuck! Give my ODST proper respect!

Louis Wu
9:12 AM/ May 26, 2004
Odd...I don't remember putting this in the update...it came in e-mail. I don't have a clue as to how this got on here.

Agent Shade
9:09 AM/ May 26, 2004
Oh, man, I was laughing hard at that one, Wu! It's so obvious that you're just ragging us around! I mean, c'mon. You would never let this story actually be submitted if it was real, would you?

8:50 AM/ May 26, 2004
Look, kid, will you please quit watching Pokemon and pay attention to what you're typing?

8: 36 AM/ May 26, 2004
I don't even have anything to say about this.


You know what? Let's make the scale even more accurate.


      Darren's mother winced. The remarks were harsh, but necessary, she realized. The Mom glanced over her shoulder at her son who was watching Pokemon, yelling, "I summon Blue-Eyes White Dragon and blow you away!" (In his patented high, squeaky, hyper-active eight-year-old voice) and eating a bowl of "SUPER XXXLARGE SUGAR CAPTAIN CHERRIO'S LUCKY RAISIN WHEATS!!!" She read the rest of the story and quickly wrote up a sequel (With grammar! And psuedocode! And a political angle of her own! Without the queer factor!) to the best of her Pulitzer-prize winning ability.

      The mother, just like her son, had one passage in particular that she felt proud of:

      As the final Grunt died, wheezing (BUSH IS A MORON!) for methane, the last bullet in the Spartan's MA5B clip clinked on the floor. He collapsed against the wall, agonized by his wounds. The soldier removed his (VOTE KERRY) helmet and let the sweat drip off of his face (IRAQ IS A QUAGMIRE!) like a torrential downpour. Linda looked at (AL FRANKEN RULES!) him and gave the signal for a smile. John grinned back. Slowly, the beautiful woman walked over, took her helmet off and kissed the man she loved on the cheek (BILL O'RIELLY IS A CONSERVATIVE PARROT!).

The End

      The woman was a lightning strike; she wrote and submitted the part within an hour. She even went to the trouble to make sure that she used her son's screen name—capitalized, mind you—so that everyone would think that it was Darren.

      Three days later, the Dictator-for-Life updated the section. The fanfic regulars clicked on the link to the page with a feeling of imminent doom. They quickly spotted the mother's forgery among the 343 different stories and poems that had been submitted.

      Ultimate Battle, Part Two: Read/Post Comments
      Posted By: Darren
      Date: 24 May 2004, 1:19 PM

      Darren's mom discreetly checked the comments while Darren was at a Pokemon trading card game at the local mall. She looked awful; her son's story had actually given her a recurring nightmare. In it, all of the staff of The New York Times had suddenly all become illiterate, and she had to write the entire paper all by herself.
      With a sense of dread, she opened the comments page.

3:28 PM/ May 29, 2004
What on Earth!? How the heck could you improve so fast? Did your mom write this for you or something? And, like Helljumper, I'm sensing some sort of political edge. Like with our resident ODST, it feels just beyond my grasp...dang, this is good stuff.

Nick Kang
3:37 PM/ May 29, 2004
I didn't stop reading until the last sentence. "The Master Chief ran as all hell broke lose behind him; the plasma grenade exploded, and bodies were thrown, twisting, in every direction."
I don't believe this. Why the heck isn't Wu posting more stories like these? Is his baby doing the updates? This update couldn't have been better. We've got what, 343 stories in this one alone? And they're all GOOD!
By the way, I just noticed that Kerry has waaaay better hair than Bush!

4:46 PM/ May 29, 2004
Usage of the psuedocode was masterful! Is your head an exact copy of Albert Einstein's and Ernest Hemingway's? You have a wonderful ability to write!
Oh yeah, and I'm voting liberal this year!

5:22 PM/ May 29, 2004
I'm glad to see that you got rid of that gay right's angle. I think I sense a new one here, though. It's not gay rights...it's on that very last passage that keep me thinking of something else...
Oh, and I'm seriously considering changing my party.

Louis Wu
6:12 PM/ May 29, 2004
When this popped up in the queue, I was worried. But now I realize it was a blessing! I don't have a clue as to why nobody else writes that well around here.

Agent Shade
6: 14 PM/ May 29, 2004
Oh, man, I was crying hard at that one, Darren! It's so beautiful! The description was lush and action was even better than the game. As a matter of fact, I'll bet your first submission's purpose was just to rag us around! I mean, c'mon. You would never be that bad, would you?

8:03 PM/ May 29, 2004
Look, man, will you please quit making my jaw drop? I felt like I was watching a dozen different war movies: The Lost Battalion, Aliens, Starship Troopers, and Band of Brothers; I also felt like I was playing the most climactic moments from the Medal of Honor games.
Incredible. Simply incredible.

8:36 PM/ May 29, 2004
I don't even have anything to say about this.


You know what? Let's make the scale even more accurate.