Not Your Ordinary Halo Fan-Fic (Comedy)
Posted By: someone that you dont know<firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: 22 April 2004, 4:47 AM
Hi it's me again with yet another comedy! love it or hate it. If people like it I'll complete it.
Vick Kart was a happy man. He was no longer afraid of the authorities. He didn't have to run from the coppers anymore, knowing that he was one of the good guys now. You're probably wondering who Vick Kart is and what the heck is up with this guy right? People are so impatient these days. Well, I guess I can't keep you waiting.
Vick Kart was a former gangster. Tired of the bad-guy lifestyle, Mr. Kart started over. Wiped his slate clean. (However, the authorities still have this grudge against him) Joined the UNSC army to "Protect our planet" but really, Vick just wanted to kill more living things. Made himself a false identity: Victor Kart. (Nice one) But eventually, he just went back to being called "Vick."
But now that is the past. This is 8 months later. Vick is on scrubbing duty: punishment for nearly burning down the mess hall the previous day. "Hmm, got scrubbing duty today? Hey you missed a spot," An ignorant marine pointed to an invisible dirt spot on the shiny tiled floor. Next thing our retard-soldier knows, he is in the infirmary with a bandage on his face, where his nose used to be.
"This is absolutely unacceptable!" Barked a short, stubby, and bad tempered Captain. His face had become to resemble a nuclear tomato. Private Vick Kart could literally see steam venting off of the outraged captain's bald head. "A perfectly innocent marine was nearly killed this afternoon. How do you feel about that private?" Private Vick Kart nearly vomited attempting to fight down hysterics at this point. "You may find this funny private, but I certainly DON'T!" The veins in the captain's neck were bulging. "Do you realize how much this operation is going to cost us?" "We're talking about somewhere in the neighborhood of ten trillion dollars just to get a single nose replaced!" The operation didn't really cost that much but the captain was desperately trying to teach Private Vick Kart a lesson. "You've messed with the wrong people" The captain's voice had a low, threatening tone to it now. "I despise types like you. You're on scrubbing duty for the remainder of this year private." "Now get out of my sight." Suddenly there was a deafening boom that shook the entire vessel Vick was living in, among thousands of other soldiers. A soldier rushed to the bridge with damage report. "Sir! Covenant are coming in by the hundreds. They're using our airlocks to attach their boarding craft to the ship's hull. I don't know how much more the ship can take." The captain just sat there for a moment. Thinking about how ironic this seems. "I lost a friend this way before. The name was Keyes. Never thought it would ever happen to us. Heh..." The captain never drank, but he took out a huge bottle of vodka and drained it.
Fire in the hole! Explosions were everywhere. Vick pulled out his assault rifle and ran across the room. "Whoa, last thing I know, I'm on the bridge getting yelled at and now I'm in this room? Weird." Private Vick Kart dodged a volley of bullets and plasma bolts flying from opposite ends of the room. He could see an ODST (or is it OSDT?) marine doing some sort of insane tango with an elite: rolling on the floor, punching and kicking with all the mud and the blood and the beer. (Mud? Beer? Whoops, sorry I was thinking about Johnny Cash's "A Boy Named Sue") Anyways, Vick decided to end both their lives and tossed a frag grenade in the midst of the dancing couple.
Private Vick Kart managed to hide behind a pile of scrap metal, and catch his breath. "####, I really need to get in shape. I only ran 300 feet and I'm already tired" Suddenly the dead carcasses of the ODST marine and the elite were propelled across the hallway and landed on top of Vick. (Where did the hallway come from?) "Last time I waste my frag grenades." Private Vick Kart vowed and then jumped from his hiding spot. Screaming at the top of his lungs he emptied his whole clip on what he thought was an elite. (Which turned out to be a blue drinking fountain) "Damnit"
"Captain! What do we do?" One of the people that piloted The Ship asked. (The Ship? Oh yea that is the name of the ship this battle takes place in. ####, I didn't tell you huh?) "I want you to blow up the ######## where these bastards are coming from you fool! GET ON WITH IT!"
"Charging MAC cannon"
"Target located and locked on"
"Ahahahaha! Now those bastards have nowhere to run! Muahahahaha!" The captain was growing a bit insane.
It only took a half-second but, the cannon fired and a huge explosion could be seen in space. One of the elites had witnessed the explosion and figured his mission was pointless; so he activated a plasma grenade and blew himself up. The view was spectacular. Blood spattered all over the surrounding environment. Effectively coating everyone in the area with a layer of purple covenant blood. "Hey covie blood tastes good!" some idiot was licking himself clean and attempted to lick the blood off of everyone else.
Vick Kart was taking a last minute stroll down a hallway (It's those hallways again) checking for any covenant survivors in the area. He eyed an elite. His armor was colored silver, never seen one of these before. Private Vick Kart surprised the elite and rammed a pistol up to its forehead, holding the gun "Gangstah" style. (He never did lose all of his criminal personality) To Vick's surprise, the silver elite began speaking English fluently.
"Hey! Hey let's be nice and not kill me ok?"
"What the ####? You can speak English?"
"Hell yea man. I'm an expert in the English language"
"What does C-A-T spell"
"Cat, but that's not funny"
"Dog, this has gone far enough"
"Here's a ######## B-A-L-L"
"I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS!"
"Ok, ok man, no need to yell foo. You know, you're cool. You can hang with me a while. I'll make sure you aren't killed, any objections?" Vick pressed the pistol harder into the elite's flesh. "Yea, sure man. Just don't kill me"