The Invasion of the NOOBS:Groundworks 1/2
Posted By: SeverianofUrth<firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: 9 August 2004, 11:29 PM
The Invasion of the NOOBS: Groundworks::part 1/2.
A/N:The Saving Private Opening doesn't start here, I'm afraid... I'm just laying down the groundworks, for now. For future chapters, that is.
Warning: This chapter isn't good. Sorry, but I'm running on fumes here, whatever the hell that means.
En Route to the NOOB City
"Alright, we'll be there in thirty minutes, so get ready!" yelled the pilot over the comm. channels. Sergeant Nick Kang winced; his ears hurt like hell everytime the pilot yelled... Wiley had a voice like a foghorn, and it was annoying too.
But he was good at what he did, which wasn't ferrying troops on his Pelican. No, Wiley had only one purpose in life: destroying the enemy with his unusually lethal Pelican. Whether he deployed scatter-cluster napalm pellets to burn the poor wretched masses to crispy cinders or used his hellwhip missles to blow them all towards heaven then right down to hell, he made sure the bastards got what they deserved: a cold, hard steel-toed boot to the ass. A lethal boot, at that.
Which was why the Lt. Colonel had picked him, thought the pensive Sergeant. They didn't need a highly trained landing pilot with experience: they needed a homicidal game-simulation junkie who had a penchant against n00bs. And so far the scheme seemed to have worked: he and his squad was alive, and the occasional n00bs they passed by weren't.
Sergeant Kang looked over towards Major Steady-K, who was sharpening his shurikens. The Major was once one of the greatest tactical geniuses this side of the galaxy: but after a unfortunate blow to the head he turned into a, again, homicidal assasin who could not be seen, for he was Someone That You Don't Know. 'The Major will come in handy,' thought the Sergeant. 'He might not be a tactical genius anymore, but he's still good at killing...'
Next, Kang looked over towards Corporal C. Blooded, who was occasionally mumbling "eh?" to the wall. He was infected, Kang knew, with the disease noobius stereotypicos, which caused the victim to act in a stereotypically noobish way... and which was why the Corporal was going along for the ride: to find the antidote.
Finally, the Sergeant looked over towards the clown. 'Wait,' he thought. 'Hold it.' The Lt. Colonel had warned them not to look at Chuckles unless they wished for a severe emotional scarring similar to that of child-abuse... Nick Kang didn't know want to know what the Clown might have: as long as he hurt the noobs, it was fine by him.
"We're there, Sergeant. Give them hell!" A foghorn yelled.
The city in which the Private Opening was held in was small. Glistening purple and dripping with green, several cruisers hovered overhead like ugly little clouds while a shining thread of silver seemingly hung from the sky. The space elevator, thought Kang.
As they jumped from the Pelican, Sergeant Kang found himself staring face-to-face with Chuckles, who was doing a handstand. He quickly shut his eyes: Kang didn't want to risk emotional scarring... fighting the war was bad enough.
He heard the clown squeak away, his shoes, laced with tiny little bells jingling all the while. He opened his eyes: the clown was cartwheeling away, into enemy territory- but as the Lt. Colonel had warned, the clown worked best alone.
"Eh, Sergeant, permission to storm the goddamn-eh'ed city and take what I need, eh, to stop saying this humiliating little word, eh?" The Corporal asked.
Nick Kang shook his head. "We gotta wait for reinforcements, Corporal."
"I know what we can do with the reinforcements, Sergeant, eh? I can stuff it up the noob's a-eh?"
"Just unload the goddamn plane, Corporal."
Nick Kang then stared out to the noob city as the Corporal stalked away. 'Now,' he thought, 'just wait for the army to arrive, and as they raise hell we just slip in... although if the clown is as good as they say the war might just be won.' He chuckled: although he hadn't made a joke, he thought he did. He was a confusing little man.
"So, I said, 'go stuff it up your ass, Corporal!'" shouted a drunken Private, as his temporary buddy laughed along.
"Goddamn that was funny... heh... hey, guess what?" The other asked. '
"No, seriously. I'm getting away from this hellhole, heh-" CovieKilla said, as he swigged another gulp from the bottle of Bacardi they had gotten from a shady character-"to some place called Halo. Away from the n00bs and all that."
Private Severian was piqued. "Wha-what? What th' hell do you mean?"
CovieKilla laughed. "I'm a goddamn Spartan, or whatnot. I don't remember a thing- but the good stuff is that you don't need to do shit when your in one of those suits... wanna know the secret?" He asked, and then burped.
Private Severian was really piqued, now. "What do you mean? Don't you have to still fight and all that? You said you've killed a man with a cotton swab once!"
CovieKilla laughed. "Yup, I did that... but still, my suit does more that it should do, neh? It's controlled by this really scary AI called Solidus Snake... it's a bloodthirsty killing machine. It just takes control when enemies are near, and I just lay back and enjoy the show while the AI is ripping the things apart."
Severian was amazed. While he had to go fight a battle to take down the diabolical sausage machine, the Spartans were taking a vacation to this place called Halo? And this guy had a suit that did the fighting for him? "So where is it at, anyways?" Severian asked, a plan slowly forming in his mind. "I mean, where could it be at?"
CovieKilla farted as he took another swig. "Oh, it's in the -classfied-. The password for it is 'joybird'-"
There was a crack. CovieKilla slowly toppled out of his chair as Private Severian held in his hand a shattered bottle. The Private muttered a apology, and fled the room... making a beeline for that suit.
After all, what could be better than to pretend to be CovieKilla for a while, and just go to Halo for a nice vacation?
-end... of Part A.-
Note: Saving Private Opening doesn't start... yet.