Balo: The Pillar of Yearning (Chapter 1)
Posted By: Sergeant B
Date: 19 November 2003, 12:30 AM
AUTHOR'S NOTE: PLEASE, DO NOT BE OFFENDED BY THIS HALO PARODY. THIS WAS INSPIRED BY A BOOK I FINISHED...
Captain Geez stared away into the space, thoughts twirling in his head. God, what a day!, he thought. The Captain turned to his left, walking up the small, 1-foot escalator.
He got out his Cigar and lighted it. Officers had their strengthes. He paused for a moment and said, "How did they-" Barbana, the yellow, half-naked A.I. of the Hell-Con Battle Cruiser The Pillar of Yearning, appeared in Captain Geez's laptop. She cut Geez off with a, "...get here first?"
Captain Geez, knowing how smart Barbana was replied, "Right...The Gupanent got here first. I wish...nevermind."
Captain Geez brushed some Cigar powder off his uniform. The insignia of a Captain was clearly shown on the 40-year old man's uniform. Other medals, including the Medal of Bum's, were attached to his uniform. He typed in a command at his laptop and the alarm blinked to life. One of the junior officers, a guy named Ensign Vell, asked, "What's the Combat alert name?" Geez, wished he had paid attention to Captain class at Reach said, "Uh...Combat Alert...eh...what Barbana?"
Barbana, frustrated with the Captain, said, "Alpha." Geez, disappointed with the call said, "Hey! I make the orders here!" He typed in another command, then said, "Beta." The Ensign typed in the command and said, "Aye, sir!"
Happy with his choice, told Barbana, "Barbana, let's give our old friend a warm welcome." Barbana, anxious to release their "old friend" out of his cell said, "I've already begun."
Tech 3rd Class Blam Carcass said, "Tech Chief Stepard, he's ready for cracking." Blam, his yellow uniform, already dulling, spit on his hand and wiped it on his uniform. "Disgusting Carcass!" Blam replied, "Lucky charm."
Stepard, waiting for the Carton to awake from his sleep, whistled.
The Carton, Baxter Beef, awoke from a pleasent dream, laughed. But then he remembered, he was in a C-type Cryo place. C, standing for Cell, was the most horrible cryo chamber. L-type, Luxury, was the best. Free food, ladies with their slimness and bikinis on, etc.
The BB saw a cryo guy in front of him, said, "Hi." The Tech Chief said, "Hi. I need to lead you to the Skipper."
Suddenly without warning, an explosion erupted in the viewing platform. Stepard cried, Baxter Beef watched, and Carcass fell down by the shock of a laser gun hitting his butt. The laser rifle, a Gupanent weapon, was all powerful.
After his two minuted crying spree, the Tech Chief said, "Follow me."
he quickly ran, but he was killed in another explosion. Now, he could join his Brother-in-Law forever.
The BB, seeing an escalator, climbed up it. At the other side, a dead creman rot. The BB ran ahead, but not before another explosion was made. He dodged the fire and moved on.
Baxter Beef saw another crewman fly in the air, then encountered a Delta-man (the one who killed Carcass.) He then met the little 2-man fireteam fighting the Delta-man. After that, a Marine led BB to the bridge.
"Captain Geez." Captain Geez turned around to see the BB, muscular and cute inside, strong and bold outside. His silver armor shined in the light, both red and yellow. "Nice to see you Beef, things aren't going very well, Barbana did her best, but we never really had a chance."
After some brief talking, the Captain said, "Take care of her...she's pretty." He handed the BB a Pistol and said, "Good luck dude!" He had tears in his eyes, as he was going to miss his internet connection.
Baxter Beef fired a three-round burst at the Stupid-man. The Stupid-man was a little feller, sharp nose, carbon dioxide has it's air, and used as cannon food. It cried in agony, but the BB stopped the pain with a melee attack.
Baxter Beef's next fight was with a fireteam and him versus 2 Delta-men and 10 Stupid-men. He killed them quickly, bashing their butts. He then sniped 3 Gupanent SMs(Stupid-men.)
Goopa-Doopa, a 1st Class Major, watched as his troops fought some Marines. His XO, Doopa-Goopa, fought with power and strength. But that's not what Goopa-Doopa was worried about. News had spread that the so-called "Silver Killer" was aboard the ship. He was ready.
Fortunately, Baxter Beef arrived. Goopa-Doopa fired his laser rifle. The laser his the Silver alien, but didn't kill him. Impossible!, he thought. He fired more, but his SMs were being sprayed to death with the "metal attackers." He then met his fate when a Frag Grenade blew up in front of him.
Baxter Beef pressed a button on his helmet. I like the picture!, he thought, send it to Earth! He then jumped over the barricade and helped some three alive Marines fight a DM and 5 SMs. He watched them do acrobatics in the air, then ran to the lifeboat.
Nice welcoming, Geez, he thought.