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Fan Fiction

A Case Of The Blahs
Posted By: Sathanas<sathanas_83@hotmail.com>
Date: 4 December 2003, 9:00 PM

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Cortana: Chief, I'm picking up hostiles!
Chief: Oh shut up, I'm tired of fighting right now, all I want is a shot of whiskey
Cortana: You know that will destroy your cybernetic links.

Link pops up.

Link: Somebody call me? Wheres Zelda?
Cortana: Oh damn, our universe is colliding with another universe. Its like a bad acid trip!

A red elite pops up and kills Link.

Red Elite: Worp worp worp!!!
Chief: Why the hell do you always say that??
Red Elite: That's all I know what to say, and this as well.
Chief: What?!?!
Red Elite: Worp worp worp!
Chief: That's it, your dead.

Shoots the Elite until theres nothing left but purple mush.

Chief: That otta teach you!
Cortana: That was not nice.
Chief: Shut it or I'll smash your chip with a sledge!
Cortana: Don't! Oh No! Ok I'll be nice!

Two Grunts walk up to the chief with pictures of him in their hands.

Grunt 1: Can I get your autograph? We are good fans of yours!
Chief: WTF??? Your supposed to try to kill me! Do you have a pen?
Grunt 2: Yeah right here.

And from behind his back he pulls an overcharged plasma gun and shoots the chief.

Chief (unharmed):Why the hell did you do that? I quit!
Cortana: No you cant, your UNSC property!
Grunt 1: yeah now sign my picture of you or I'll kick you in the nuts!

Chief pulls out a picture of Gary Coleman.

Grunt 2: AHHH its our king! Howd you know?
Cortana: His last movie, it was terrible.
Mendosa walks up behind the Grunts and kills them
Mendosa: Die you bastards! I won't rest until all of you Gary Colemans are dead!
Chief: Cool it Mendosa, your obviously delusional. Clam down or I'll pop a cap in your ass.
Cortana: oh no, you've gone gansta.
Chief: Damn right woman! Now put your pretty ass on a corner and make me some money!
Cortana: I'm an AI you dumbass.
Chief: Oh shizzle.... Hey Mendosa.....
Mendosa: I don't think so you sick sick, cyborg, Get Foe Hammer to do your dirty work.

Out of nowhere an army of Special Ops Elites march right up to Chief and stop. A loud WORP WORP WORP is heard and echoes into oblivion.

Chief: I hate that!!!! Get me outta here! What the hell do you guys want?
Head Elite: Worp!
Mendosa: He wants to tell you that he thinks you are sexy and they want you to be their God.
Chief: Well, it does sound a lot better than fighting. Where do I sign?

The Head Elite pulls out a 500 page contract and a pen.

Head Elite: Sign here, here, here....... And here, here, here, here, and a smiley face drawn by you here. After that you are our God, of course, within the guidelines of the contract.
Cortana: Let me check that over..... just incase.
Head Elite: Hurry, the ceremonies are in 5 minutes!
Chief: Whaaaaa!!!? You had this planned, didn't you?
Head Elite: Worp!!
Mendosa: Was that two exclaimation marks or three?
Head Elite: Uhhhh....... Uhhhhhh.... 3?
Mendosa: That's IT!!! You Die!
Mendosa throws a plasma grenade at the head Elite and it hits him in the groin, stuck there.
Head Elite: Shiiiiitttttttt....... Uh, I mean, Woooooorrrrrrpppp!!!!!!!

The Elite blows up into a million and two pieces. The rest of the Elites grab out their plasma rifles and blow Mendosa into the next sentence.

Mendosa: God you guys are so touchy when your leader gets blown up! Jeez, relax!
Cortana: Uh, Chief, we are all out of wiskey.
Chief: That's it I'm going to a freakin' bar!

At the bar.

Bartender: Hey, no green armor allowed in this bar, especially on Spartans.

Chief looks around the bar and sees grunts plaing dice, two elites arm wrestling and six marines funelling a keg, but nobody in green.

Chief: Can I take it off then? Is that ok? Ugh, who made these stupid rules?
Bartender: Do you know a guy names Sathanas?
Chief: No, what kind of crappy name is that? I mean come on, that's gotta...
Cortana: STOP! Shuddap! He decides your fate.
Chief: What is he? A prophet, a forrunner?
Cortana: Worse, the author!
Chief: Oh, I'll be over at that table spray painting my armor red or something, and after, I'll take a Canadian beer.

Everybody in the bar gasps and looks at the chief in amazement.

Bartender: I personally thought you were more of a cooler type of guy.
Cortana (chuckling to herself): Hee hee, its true!
Chief: My Image has been dying ever since I lost that game of chess to that blind grunt, heh, heh, he's swimming with the fishies now....
Cortana: Yeah, I cant believe you bet your ownership to Marineland on him.
Chief: Hey!! I thought I would win. Anyways he cheated!
Bartender: No, you cheated, tisk tisk. We all saw it on Fox. Man that station is running out of ideas......

To be continued..........