Halo: A Comedy
Posted By: Tom Murphy<firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: 11 January 2002, 12:02 am
John threw him a glance. "Of course it's me who gets to push the button! I'm first player!"
"What?" Johnny said.
"What?" John replied.
"Oh well." Johnny said.
John and Johnny Spartan had been stuck on the strange planet Halo for about half a day. They had just finished looking for a way across the gap, until Johnny found a switch for the light bridge. Although, before he could push it John Spartan shot him, pushed him out of the way, and pushed it himself. Although he only shot to distract him. Because a few bullets only left a dent on the shield.
"Come on, let's get on the truck," John said.
"Ahem, it's called a warthog," Johnny replied in a 'I'm better than you are' tone.
"Whatever, just get in."
They hopped into the back and started driving across the light bridge, but the driver, (John) accidentally veered left and they both fell off the edge. While they were falling Johnny said with a sigh, "Real smooth, now we have to push the button all over again."
They suddenly burst into strange yellow stuff and screamed without meaning to. But a moment later they were back and ready to push some buttons. Johnny started rushing over and turned around to gloat as he went to the button, but accidentally ran off the edge. "Ha, ha," he heard John yell to him as he fell.
Once again the light bridge appeared and suddenly Johnny appeared out of nowhere.
They got on the truck and managed to successfully drive over the bridge. Finally they reached the end of the cave that was not a natural formation. Suddenly Cortana's voice came in through John's helmet, but not Johnny's. Once she had finished talking John told Johnny what they had to do.
"Hey John?" Johnny said.
"How come Cortana only talks to you?"
"Well, Johnny, its like this: First of all, she liked me better. And second, there's something that happens to people, as they get older. They start feeling attracted to the opposite sex. And when someone looks as good as me, well, they can't resist. Not even artificial intelligence can resist this," John explained patting his chest, "What can I say? I'm a hottie."
"-Oh." Johnny replied. "Wait a second! I'm your age, and I don't like girls."
"Well, you're either gay or and idiot. But probably both."
"Hey! Ya' know what I just noticed about this planet?" Johnny asked.
"What's that?" John replied, uninterested.
"Trees on hills only have two dimensions!"
"Whoa, this is a strange planet, indeed."
They continued onward in the warthog and moved up the stream and followed these mysterious blue lights to a place where there were a bunch of Marines.
"Hey guys!" John said when they reached the Marines.
"Um, we're havin' some trouble-ya' mind helping us?" The Marine replied angrily.
"Well, if your gonna' be like that to us well then- maybe you should just do it yourself!" Johnny said.
John smacked him in the back of the head. "Sure we'll help." He said taking out his weapon and massacring the Covenant forces.
"Thanks sir." The Marine said.
"Damn straight your thankful," John said.
"Whatever," the Marine replied rolling his eyes. "But I have one question for you- Ya' know that movie with Stallone? Wasn't his name Jo-"
John slapped him and put his hand over his mouth. "Don't say it we could get sued you moron!
"Well, now that I've rescued you maybe we could celebrate a little, huh?"
Two hours later they were all piss drunk, (Except Johnny who was curled in the corner talking to his teddy bear.) and John was babbling on about something. "Back in the dlay, we used to always hafta wear pajarmas to the army, until just recently they started letting us go naked, (which he said shirtless) with only a slimple helmet. Anyway-this guy here," he said slapping a Marine on the back, "He's the one. Ya' member that time we went to, hey look there's blood on my lip! Ooohhh, my nose is bleeding, shlouldn't my shield stop that-? Oh well. What was I talking about?"
John babbled on like that all through the night when all the Marines had either puked themselves to death, died of alcohol poisoning, or passed out cold on the floor.
The next day some lady came by in a ship and took them to get Captain Keyes from a ship. He was being held prisoner. When they landed he noticed he was still pretty far away from the ship where he was being held prisoner.
"Why the hell didn't you just bring us to the right place?" John said holding his head because of his massive hangover.
"Dunno, this way you get to use the sniper rifle, I guess." The pilot saw John's angry eyes, "Hey, I didn't right the script!" The pilot said.
"What?" John asked.
"Whatever," John and Johnny went over to snipe but John missed every single target because of his headache and John couldn't figure out how to work the zoom. So they ended up just running through and getting all the Marines killed.
They ran through every part of the level-er- um place-. thing and eventually saved Keyes.
Later they found themselves constantly being chased around by strange little ball creatures, their big angry brothers, and their medium brothers that often times explode. "Hey bro," Johnny said, "Doesn't this kinda' remind you of Half-Life?"
"God dammit!!!!" John said getting angry, "Does anybody around here understand the word law suit?!? Geez!"
"Law what?" Johnny asked.
"Oh shut up you stupid bag of crap."
"Eye, eye captain!" Johnny said happily.
"Screw this place, let's just nuke the planet."
They both left on a drop ship and then ordered the planet to be nuked three times to make sure it would explode into tons of pieces.
"Hey wasn't Keyes still down there?" Johnny asked.
"Hey, I guess he was."
"Awwwwww, I'm telling Cortanaaaa."
"What's that sposed to mean?"
"Nothing, your just a tattle tale."
"What's the question mark for?"
"To leave the ending open for a sequel."