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Halo 2: A Comedy: The Musical
Posted By: Murcu<tomasomurcu@hotmail.com>
Date: 8 May 2005, 3:53 PM
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Please note: This is a continuation of the Comedy stories Halo: A Comedy and then the remake done in trilogy format by the same title. Those stories are written by Tom Murphy (me), but they're not musicals like this one, so probably not worth reading.
And so continues the epic saga of John and Johnny, the two Spartan warriors to fend off thousands of Covenant forces and save the universe from a parasitic life form creatively dubbed 'the Flood' using nothing but crappy weapons, a standard Jeep with a gun on it, and a talking phone sex AI that goes in their heads.
This time they were armed with something more. Something with (dramatic pause) soul. You guessed it, it's Johnson, or as some of us may know him, The Black Marine From Halo One. Yep, he's back, and this time, he has a name.
Oh and there's also some woman.
Today John and Johnny were getting on TV and being awarded their medals for the heroics performed in the previous game. Ironically, today is the day that the Covenant decided to attack Earth. Looks like their adventures aren't over yet...
"Hey John," Johnny sang, as he sat behind a little randomly placed glass and metal barrier which really has no place being on the ship, "Why are these glass and metal barriers here?"
"Johnny, for the last time, the Covenant only want to go up against us in areas where we have cover. It's just how they do things. I know for a fact that Elites are terrified of open spaces, so normally they carry around big blocks and stuff and put them down in weird places so they'll be more comfortable."
Unfortunately, Johnny had stopped listening long ago, and was now doing something called 'tea bagging', which is what many Spartans liked to do over dead bodies, but John was just doing it to Johnson/The Black Marine From Halo One. John rolled his eyes and focused his site at the door, which was about to burst open. When it finally did, and Elite came out and John finally got a chance to test this new rifle, which had apparently been made in the short time between when Halo 1 got destroyed and now.
To John's dismay, the rifle pretty much sucked. It was like an awkward cross between the pistol and the Assault Rifle. A new pistol had been made, too, and it definitely sucked. Same with the SMGs, but luckily at that very moment, John had a revelation. He had two hands.
He looked at his right hand, which was empty, and that at an extra SMG on the ground. Then back at his hand. "Oh my..." he could hardly sing. This was incredible. He picked up the weapon.
"YES!" he sang, his powerful note echoing through the Covenant infested ship. In fact, he sang that so well, that all of the Covenant were so touched by it they decided to just let him pass. And they all bowed as he did.
Johnny kept dieing; the Covenant hated him. Luckily he just respawned near John every time, so it all worked out.
Then he fell out of the ship and into Earth. Specifically Cairo. When they landed, Johnny was angry. "Cairo?!" he sang, angrily. "Couldn't we have landed somewhere that would be better targeted to the players... I mean, Marines? Like, New York or LA or DC or London or even crappy crap town Paris! But Cairo?!" Boy, he was really singing now.
"I don't know. Let's just beat this level and be done with it." Even John was mad. There weren't even any fun landmarks around to see. "Corn!" he sang. After a brief pause, the music starts again, and John starting thinking out loud, with his powerfully moving singing voice. "At least we're the stars!"
Little did he know, he had some incredibly attractive competition. Who could it be? None other than the Elite who we saw Johnson/The Black Marine From Halo One hugging at the end of the Legendary version of Halo 1.
Actually, Johnson and the Elite are married. The Elite goes by Arbiter by the way.
So pretty much, the Arbiter flies around and kills some Marines, then kills some Covenant, then kills some other stuff. And the Johns help too.
Also this is interrupted by a baritone voiced squiggly arm creature that lives underwater. We get no explanation of what he is or anything, but apparently he has extremely squiggly arms and a nice deep singing voice to boot! He makes Chief and the Arbiter join forces. Tartarus decides to be a dick. Then they found another Halo, and the retarded Covenant let it loose and Now, that we've gotten through the gist of all the levels that no one really cares about (specifically the ones with the Arbiter) we can get back to our heroes.
We rejoin our two killing machines on some Covenant ship after Mr. Squiggly teleports him there. Bad timing guys! Looks like you've interrupted a Covenant ceremony. "Hey Johnny, looks like we've interrupted a Covenant ceremony."
"Yeah I guess that's pretty bad timing."
"I'll say."
"Me too."
"Ya' know, when the author doesn't emphasize who's singing, it starts to get a little confusing. Let's throw in a third character just to throw things off a bit more. How about this Brute."
"Hey, Brute, join us in pissing off the reader."
"Okay."
"Okay."
"Are we going to fight?"
"Maybe we should just sing."
"I love singing."
"I'm a space gorilla."
"Sweet."
"Yeah, man, awesome."
Then they killed the Brute by singing really loudly at him. Everyone knows gorillas hate loud singing. And needles.
"Hey Johnny, you know what's best about this musical?"
"No, John, what's best about this musical?"
"How none of our songs rhyme!"
"Oh, and that makes it different from other musicals... how exactly?"
"Shhh. South Park rhymed!"
"Oh yeah. Cartoons kick ass."
"We're kind of like cartoon characters in some ways."
"How's that?"
"We fight giant gorillas and birds. And aliens. And we don't actually exist." John sang, informatively.
"Oh yeah!" Then they beat the level.
"This musical is action packed!" they sang loudly, jumping in the area and raising their fists in unison.
"I pretty much like squirrels," Johnny added afterwards.
The End.
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