Untitled Improv Boredome Story #1
Posted By: Mainevent<firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: 12 September 2003, 12:50 AM
Rob said to himself:
"Rob, why are you fighting for the humans when you know the covenant are obviously going to win?"
So rob sat there for several seconds and thought about it, and came to no real conclusion. But then it struck him...
"Because if I don't the humans will shoot me."
And so it was that Rob came to be a member of the Spartan IV ODST elite tactical special ops commando team known as "The Spartan IV ODST Elite Special Ops Command Team"
He wasn't technically a spartan, ODST, special ops, or commando unit, but what he was, was in the right place at the right time.
He was getting chow at the exact same time as one
General H. Inde Quarters, and so it happened that they began talking. From this discussion spewed forth a brilliant arguement on the future of humanity, the progress of technology, and rising oil prices (after all, it takes a lot of oil to power a UNSC cruiser). The General then summarily gave Rob the designation as Spartan IV ODST Special Ops Commando, as well as a Georgia Tech cap and some Zertec promo T-shirts.
From this sprang forth a beautiful friendship which would last for years to come.......if the general hadn't been killed by a falling pipe the next day.
Rob was walking to one of the "SS" meetings when out of the corner of his eye he just happened to spot the one, the only, Master Chief. It was love at first sight, and Rob ran over to the Chief as fast as he could (which wasn't fast because love-jogging scenes are always in slow mo).
"Hey chief, whats up brah?"
"Did you *hickup* just call me *slurred speech* a bra?"
"I'll kick you're ass if you do, you re*slurred speech*embser that."
"Are you drunk?"
"Maybe I have had one or two or ten shots, but that's none of your goldamned business now is it."
THe chief was still counting on his fingers when he passed out in a puddle of his own drool. Rob looked around the room, and slowly backed out, running as soon as he hit the hallway.
Rob didn't stop running until he got to the meeting, which was already in progress. The Sarge was already giving a speech when he entered.
"What in the holy hell are you doing in my room late you sorry ass grabastic unorganized piece of shit on my shoe?"
"Why is there always a sargeant in every story?"
"What did you just say boy, I will mop your ass up so fast I won't even use a squeegie to ring out out."
"And why are you yelling at me? I was ten seconds late. You can be a little nicer. I mean hell, it's a fanfic and all, but you don't have to be so badass all the time, and might I add, you really fail to pull it off."
"Really? Shucks. I put on the badass persona because in my contract it says I have to put a lot of emotion into it, and I felt that....you know, badass is just the way to go in the military."
"I see, well, it's common, but not always the best. See in real life, marines are just people. They talk about people stuff, and they have real lives, there not just made up killing machines who never stop for a drink of water."
One of the marines in the room raised his hand and began talking without being recognized.
"I gotta tinky."
....all of the marines in the room stared blankly at him, and then one shook his head in disbelief.
"Did you just say....tinky?"
"Aww, but I had at least four more lines to go before I got out of this story."
And suddenly, a super commando elite, plasma sword in hand rushed into the room, ran over to the private , held his sword high above his head, and then brought it down viciously. Blood spots on the wall ominously spelled doom for the team....literally, the dots spelt "Doom for da team".
Rob began rethinking his joining the SS, but knew he couldn't get out of it do to the General's dying. In his last words he said "If I should unfortunately die because of a freak accident in which a metal pipe should come from the ceiling and then bludgeon my head into a bloody pulp, then so be it, you will be a spartan."
How could he leave after such a great speech? He walked into the hall way, and into the writer's lounge. Inside he found Mainevent, Wado, Alpha Lance, Sargeant B, Hornet34, and some other people sitting around computers typing. An elite in the corner was taking a sip of coffee as rob walked in, and suddenly surprised by the human, spit out his coffee and let out a throaty roar.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! You just spit scalding hot coffee on me, AHHHHHHHHhh the burn, the burn." Hornet34 began running around the room frantically and then fell to the ground. Rob ran over to him.
"So........dark, It's so so dark."
"Lights are off silly."
"What, really? Damnit, now wonder I couldn't see where I was going."
Rob turned on the lights, and was nearly knocked down as the elite ran from the room in fear of Hornet34's retaliation.
"Oh no you don't you bastard."
Hornet 34 began typing furiously, and much to the elite's dismay, several hundred invincible marines came from nowhere. Their bullets ripped through his strangely shieldless body with ease, and he fell to the ground headless and dead compared to your simply headless breed of elite.
Another elite respawned in the break room only feet away from Rob, and raised his plasma sword high above his head, ready to strick Rob dead.
"Wait!!" Rob screamed, "You can't kill me."
"Why not?" The elite asked sadly. "I haven't killed anyone in nearly three months, no one ever plays campaign anymore. I'm so lonely."
"You can't kill me because I'm the main character, hell my name's in the title."
The elite looked at the title carefully, reading every line word by word.
"Sorry bud, but your name is not in the title. I can kill you."
"Oh that is so cheap. The main character doesn't even get a role in the damn title. I'm suing."
Tune in next time for "Rob the guy in this story, Attorney at large."