When Worlds Collide (A Halo Comedy)
Posted By: Gasmask
Date: 29 November 2002, 7:22 pm
Location: Five kilos away from Halo
Time: 10:36 AM
Date: September 10, 2558
The Master Chief gazed out the view-port at the ring world. It was being destroyed. Sections of the world broke off, and crashed into other parts. It was finally over.
"Did anyone else make it?" the Spartan asked.
"Scanning..." Cortana replied. "Just dust and echoes. We're all that's left! We did what we had to do, for Earth! An entire Covenant armada destroyed, and the Flood! Halo. It's finished."
"No, I think we're just getting started," the Chief replied. He removed his helmet, and scratched his stubbly scalp. He set his helmet on his lap, and began to doze.
"Cortana, wake me if anything bad happens," he yawned.
"Yes, dear," she murmered.
Location: Orbiting Veagan
Time: 10:36 AM
Stardate: 0-798-Oh, who cares?
"Mr. Sulu, set coordinates for star...base 12. We...need to... refuel... and resupply," Cpt. James T. Kirk ordered.
"Aye, sir. Setting coordinates now," the Navigator replied.
Dr. McCoy spoke up. "By the way, Jim, I set up your appointment for the speech therepist for 3:00 this afternoon."
Jim turned on the doctor. "What...are you...insinuating...Doctor?"
Bones' face contorted with the aquardness of the situation. "Well, Jim, you have to get that **** speech impediment taken care of. I can't stand it any more, and neither can the crew."
"Well...I like...to talk like this. It...makes things much...more dramatic."
"And cheesy," Spock said as he stared at the mesmerising light that spun inside his science reader.
"Are you still trying to see the picture of that goat in there, Spock?" Uhura asked.
"No," Spock replied, "I changed the "Mystic Retina" picture last month. It's supposed to be a sail boat."
"Oh, really?" Sulu asked, "Can I try?"
"No," Spock replied.
"Why not?" Sulu whined.
"Because, if you try it, you'll break my concentration, and I'll have to do my evil neck pinch thingy on you."
"Oh, ok then," Sulu snapped, an expression of deep disappointment on his features.
The crew went back to their usual duties. Spock searched for the sailboat, Uhura talked to herself in the microphone, Sulu pretended to push buttons, Bones cursed at everyone, and the Captain tried to seduce ten moon princesses at once. Then, something went wrong.
"Sulu, what...is that...on the screen?" Kirk asked.
"It looks like a giant, cheaply made, inverted spinning top," Sulu said, transfixed with horror.
"Spock," Bones asked, "Can you get a reading on that thing?"
"No, because it'll ruin my concentration. I must find the sail-boat!"
"Warp speed ahead, Mr. Sulu!" Jim shouted.
"Jimmy! Your speech impediment!" the Doctor asked, "Where did it go?"
"It always leaves when I'm doing something stupid or dangerous! Let's go!"
"Wait, I'm getting something," Uhura said. "It's the producer. He says we're to cheesily throw ourselves around the set in 5...4...3...2...1...THROW!"
They all threw themselves about unashamedly, and red lights went off at various intervals. They grunted and groaned.
"Why...are...we...DOING THIS?" Sulu inquired.
"Because we're paid to do it," Spock said, throwing himself about while still having his eyes transfixed in the reader.
"Warp speed!" The captain ordered once again. "Lieutenant Chekov, you're my gofer. Gofer some Coke! I can't have a silly speech impediment without some ice cold Coca Cola!"
"We've hit the evil, cheap top, sir! What now?" Sulu asked.
"That's no top, that's a portal, and we're through!" Kirk replied.
"How did you know it was a portal?" Uhura asked.
"Because I know what to do in every situation," the captain replied, tapping buttons on his command chair.
"I found it!" Spock yelled, "I found the sail boat!"
"Good," Bones said, "Now can you please scan the area?"
"No way! I just got one that's supposed to be a cat!" The rest of the crew groaned.
"Where...are we...Mr. Sulu?" Kirk asked, once again calm, collected, and back at annoying everyone.
"Dunno. But there is a giant ship in front of us. It looks like an inverted bird of prey. It's headed straight for us!"
"Ready the phasers, Mr. Sulu," Jim ordered.
"But sir! We don't have phasers! We had a budget cut, and now all we have are red light bulbs where the phasers should be!"
"I don't CARE!" the Captain said, "JUST FIRE THE LIGHT-BULBS!"
"Aye, aye, captain."
Cortana looked out of the view port. The Chief napped quietly, occasionally moaning in his sleep. Poor guy. He needed his rest. He continued to moan.
"Either you're having a very bad dream, or a very good one," Cortana whispered.
"Dwuht? Hmm? Did you say something, Coratana?" the Chief croaked.
"Nothing! Nothing." Suddenly, a console light beeped.
"Chief, wake up! Something's wrong."
The Spartan woke with a start. "We're being hailed." He hit the com-button. A picture of a fat naval commander of some kind was on the screen.
"Un-identified Bird of Prey, identify yourself or prepare to be destroyed!"
"Who is this?" The chief asked, "What do you want?"
"I want your BLOOD!" the little man replied, "Prepare to be light-bulbed to death!" The com went dead.
"Weird," the Chief said. "Light bulbed?" He looked on his radar. Nothing but a small blip on the screen. It was six inches long, and apparently made of Balsa wood and paint. There were hundreds of life forms on board. Maybe ants took over some kid's model and went renegade. He noticed bright red light coming from the ship.
"Is that supposed to be a laser or something?" Cortana asked, her features a mix of humor and bewilderment.
"I suppose so. I wonder what their "missiles" are?"
"Jim, the light bulb is doing nothing," Bones said, "We need to retreat."
"No! I...will never give...up. I will never...admit...defeat!" The captain motioned to Mr. Sulu. "Load up the photon torpedoes and fire them!"
"But sir," Sulu replied, "Our photon torpedoes are pebbles!"
"What?" Kirk asked, "Why all the budget cuts?!"
"StarFleet's trying to run the thing on $20 a month. It gets pretty hectic."
"Ok, whatever, just fire the gravel!"
Inside the bowels of the ship, next to the cardboard prop reactor, hundreds of men and women pulled on the giant rubber band attached to the first piece of gravel. It stretched to the breaking point, then they released.
"Did you hear something?" Cortana asked.
"I think that was their missile. Scan it, please," the Chief replied.
"It's a composition of granite and quartz. Gravel?"
"Ok, these guys are really starting to annoy me. Targeting...activating chain guns...target locked...FIRING!"
Anti aircraft rounds shredded throught the balsa wood. People the size of ants fell out into space. Once again, the Longsword was hailed.
"You...have proved yourself...a worthy...opponent. You...have...killed most of my...crew...including my speech therapist, and you have...destroyed my cardboard...standup reactor. You...leave me no choice...but to... bring out the big...guns!"
"I found the cat! I found the cat!" Spock yelled.
"Shut up, Spock, I'm trying to trick this guy into thinking we've got more weapons and power than we do," Kirk whispered.
Cortana and the MC looked at each other with raised eyebrows.
"I don't think that it's worth the effort," the soldier sighed.
"Me either," Cortana agreed, "Let's just watch them for a while."
"Hey! Hey, I can hear you! You can't get anything past me! You're running away! That means I won't get to kill you! I won't stand for it!"
The Chief hit the mute button. "Wake me if there's any more problems, Cortana."
"All right," the AI whispered. She continued to read Kirk's lips. She interpreted what he was saying.
"I...will...ram...your...ship..." she deciphered. "I will ram your ship? Oh, no, big threat! I'm afraid! We're gonna die!" She chuckled softly. "Go ahead, make my day."
"Warp speed thatta way!" Kirk called. Sulu hit the engines, Uhura and bones ran for the elevator, while Spock tried to find a bicycle in his science reader.
"WE RAM!!!!!!!" Kirk yelled, and laughed maniacally.
The Enterprise hit the Longsword, and collapsed into splinters. The Longsword continued to drift along. The Chief snored softly as they moved.
"Chief, the balsa wood offender is gone. Do you want to report this?"
"Hm? What? Uh, no. Let's just forget the whole thing." They sat in silence for a while. The Spartan then clicked on the radio, and drifted to sleep listening to Beethoven's 9th Symphony. On to home, hearth, and more potent enemies.