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Grunt Interview
Posted By: Gasmask
Date: 4 December 2002, 6:45 pm

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The SubjectOne would think that all grunts are just little tools of their Elite and Jackal superiors. Running around, doing the jobs no one else wants to do. They're just disposable tools, right? Well, one grunt doesn't think that way. He thinks that his kind can do a lot of good for his superiors, and his fellow aliens everywhere. We here at Gasmask Newsletters Inc. decided to get a closer study with this fellow. (From an interrogation room, with us behind the unbreakable glass, of course.)

Us: Now, Mr. Netats, please describe for us your job.
Him: Well, basically, I do the dirty work for the Covenant. I help in assassinations, communications, and I also usually lead the retreats. I'm a very important person, even if I'm not high in the ranks. Without me, the Covenant wouldn't have much backbone outside of the Elites. I also kill humans, because otherwise, the Elites will glass my planet. So, no offense earth, but it's either your planet or mine, and I don't want it to be mine.

Us: Mr. Netats, please describe some of the people you work with.
Him: Well, the sergeant is a cool guy. He yells at us, and offers to get dog collars for us so he can lead us around the way he wants completely. He's a really funny guy. The Jackals are a pretty stiff bunch, though. You can never get them to open up. They just stick behind those shields, and talk to each other through hand motions. It's kind of funny to watch them for a little while. The other grunts are fun. We usually hang out, sleep, make fart jokes, the usual. Oh, and we point out humans. That's the only uncool thing about our job. We can't just relax all the time. Crud, huh?

Us: Where are you from, originally?
Him: Well, originally, my family is from the frozen world of Necros. But we left there a long time ago for the Covenant capital world. We still go to Necros once in a while, when we're off duty. It's nice being able to get out of this environment suit and run around on all fours in the frozen tundra. Know what I mean?

Us: Uh, not really.
Him: Well, you should try it sometime. You might get in touch with your inner primitive self. (Laughs)

Us: Um, rriiiiggghhhhttttt. Anyway, how do you think you can help out your fellow aliens?
Him: Well, I think that , for the most part, I can just do my job. If more people just did the work they were supposed to do instead of goofing off, like writing fan fiction or silly newsletters, maybe this galaxy would be a better place. But NO. Some aliens don't want to kill the humans. They just want to work in the entertainment department. I'll probably help out my fellow aliens by killing off the goofballs and leaving more room and resources for the able-bodied warriors in the ranks. I mean, come on! Who has time to read that stuff they call "entertainment?" You know...

Us: Sorry, we're out of time.
Him: Aw, nuts.

Us: And so are you.
Him: What do you mean by that?

Us: We mean that we work in the entertainment field, and you have just insulted us. Goodbye.
Him: What do you mean, "goodbye?" I'm not going anywhere! Hey, what is that green smoke entering this room? OH, NO! This is a gas chamber! Let me out of here! I'm gonna DIE!

Us: That's the idea. Look, be quiet, and we'll try to idolize you as some kind of new Malcom X for the Covenant. We'll make millions!

Us: Ok, Mr. Netats, thanks for your time.

Us: Clean up! Interview room 2!