A Halo 2 Comedy
Posted By: Echo630<Gryffin63091@aol.com>
Date: 1 May 2004, 6:06 PM
CHAPTER 1: "Hello, My Name Is...
Echo630. Well, actually, my name is Lynch. Er-Steven Lynch, that is. Ech630 is my call name, like Foehammer. Did you know that Foehammer is also the name of an Elfish sword from the Hobbit, by J.R.R.--"
"Shutup pilot and fly!" ordered CPO Manson. "Can't you see those 24--"BANG! BANG!"--Scratch that. Those 22 ferocious Grunts chasing us?!?"
The pilot looked over his shoulder to get a look at the 22 bilingual bipeds. "Oh! Yeah! I see 'em now, Sir! On the move."
The hefty craft (an A-45 stealth Penguin Bomber with dual 70mm autocannons and nine fusion missles) slowly rose into the air, being fired upon by the tiny Grunts below.
"CRAP CRAP CRAP! GO GO GO! HURRY HURRY!" yelled Private Wallis, a scaredy-cat Marine.
"I'm goin' as fast as I can take her, wait...him."
"Everyone! Shut-up!Eco630! Fire those autocannons, now!"
"Firing!" Echo630 remarked. Thirty dull thumps echoed throughout the ship.
Looking out the Penguins backflap, CPO Manson watched as the Grunts fell from single and multiple rounds from the guns.
"Woohoo! Good shootin', Echo. Where'd you learn that?" asked Corporal Scamper, as he holstered his half-empty pistol.
"Oh, I learned it long ago in Pre-School. I was being jumped by a bunch of Kindergarteners because I wouldn't shut my mouth. So, right before they attacked, I loaded 20 some pieces of chalk into my nose, and I blacked out. Those kindergarteners didn't know what happened."
"Ok, and what's that got to do with your shooting?" asked Private Chinky.
"What? Shooting? I never learned how to shoot, even to this day."
"Then how'd you kill that band of Grunts?"
Well, those were autocannons, remember, there, Smart-ones."
"Lynch, shut yer trap or I'll make Scamper hire someone to shut it for you. Got it?"
"Yes Sir. Shutting my trap now."
"Good. Now, redirect this ship and make move full speed towards UNSC cruiser The NewGrounds. And step on it."
"Yes sir. Stepping on it now."
"Enough with repeating what I say. Okay?"
"Yes Sir. Quitting copying you, Sir."
"Ugghhh..." the CPO sighed, choosing an empty padded bench to lay down on. He closed his eyes, and within five minutes, he was still awake, but ten minutes later, he was asleep.
The war on Earth had been going bad for months now. Not only had the Covenant invaded it, but nearly every smart troop alive had been killed leaving only a hundred-thousand dead heads. Now, lets get back to the GREATEST HALO STORY EVER TOLD.
The NewGrounds' docking bay's blast-door opened to grant access to the tiny Penguin ship. Tiny compared to the gigantic cruiser, that is. Well, remembe what i said about all the dumb Militants being left on Earth? Yeah, well, the Captain of this ship in particular happened to be really, really dumb. Upon opening the blast-doors, nearly all the attendents on that dock were sucked up in vacuum.
The Penguin glided into the bay, just as the blast-doors closed behind it.
Echo630 perched the Penguin on a launch pad at the top of the bay.
"Okay. We're here. Everyone get out. I gotta attend to some...er...personal buisness...GO! I CAN'T HOLD IT IN!"
"Gotcha Lynch. Everyone out!"....."Open the hatch!"
Yes Sir!" said Lynch through the ship's comm."Opening hatch, Sir!"
"Fine...and stop repeating your orders!"
" I hear ya Sir."
The bomber doors opened and the Marines stepped onto the platform.
They waited a few minutes before Steven stepped out onto the platform pulling up his pants, and set out for the ships Nav. Center.
They arrived at the Nav. Center, just in time to listen to the end of the Captains speech on Grunt action figures: "--and that's all I have to say."
There was clapping all around them, then it stopped, then there were murmurrs, then the audiance left.
"Hello, Captain!" echoed the CPO in the ampitheater.
Captain Jeeves of the NewGrounds turned to face the Marines and one pilot. "Good morning Seargent Spock!"
CPO Manson cocked a quizical look at the Captain, then said," First off, its 10:00pm at NIGHT and I am CPO MANSON. Got that, Sir?"
"....Oh. Yeah, that's right, I'm the Captain. Sorry about that Private."
"Moose." The Captain let out a snicker which quickly turned into a hard laugh.
"Sir, just tell us where we need to go and we'll be on our way. Okay?"
"Alright, hold your Warthogs." He turned to the Nav. display and recieved a tiny purple disk. "You must deliver this disk to FLEETCOM in mint condition. The Covenant must not get hold of this or else."
"Or else what?" the CPO asked, leaning in closer to the Captain.
"Nevermind, Lieutenant. Just take it to SATCOM."
"I thaught you said FLEETCOM."
"No, you said SATCOM."
"Yes you did!"
"NO! Nevermind. Fine, you said FLEETCOM."
"HA! DID NOT! I SAID SATCOM! HAHAHAHAHAHA!..."
The CPO let out an annoyed sigh and walked off with the disk in hand.
"So Sir, where to next?" asked Lynch, nipping the CPO's heels with his feet, he was so close to him.
"Didn't you just hear the Captain?" snapped the CPO, getting more and more annoyed at all of the brain-dead UNSC members.
"No, I was to busy playing connect-the-dots with the pimples on the back of Chinky's neck," he said, stopping to connect three more pimples to make a face.
"Well, he said that we needed to go to your moms house and kill the idiot sleeping in her bed!"
"What! No way. My mom never told anyone about him."
"I AM KIDDING! We need to go to FLEETCOM and deliver a mysterious purple disc to them. Got it, pilot?"
"Yes Sir! Got it, Sir!"
"Good, now lets get to the ship and be on our way."
The stealth bomber hovered a bit off the platform, the blast-doors opened up, and they sailed down towards Earth to deliver a mysterious purple disc that they knew nothing of except that it was small and shiny and really dark purple...and made a whistling sound when you threw it.
That's all for today! To be continued, folks!