RedWireDew - A Halo Comedy
Posted By: Dispraiser<firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: 19 August 2003, 5:40 PM
"I've been thinking recently about stuff..." The captain muttered to the first officer.
"No kidding! I've been thinking about stuff too! Like the fucking aliens about to kick down the damn door and blow our heads off! We have to self destruct the ship."
"Your self esteem doesn't matter, we aren't letting this ship die."
"Stuff like what sir? " The ship rumbled as another plasma bombardment blasted out much of the holds.
"Stuff like.... Stuff... I don't know... Mountain Dew I think."
"Mountain Dew, sir? How about thinking about how you will never have another can of Mountain Dew if you go to hell for letting the Covenant find Earth!"
"Well... No.... I was thinking more along the lines that we should mix them all together. What is there, six kinds now?"
"Three sir. Been that way for 550 years."
"Yeah. Anyway, we need to mix the three. Livewire, the crappy red one and the original."
"Code red sir... Just like the damn ship! Last I heard boarding craft were leeching to the side of the ship."
"I hate leeches.... So anyway, we would need to come up with a name, so I made one. Mountain Dew, Code Redfire."
"What? How the hell did you get that name? Fire? And there is no reference to the good one, Livewire in there."
There was a long and inconvenient pause, "Redfire. Just like the damn fires in decks 3-7 that have killed 150!"
"Anyway, this would be the god of the Mountain Dew society, a perfect blend of the three. I would be the puppeteer controlling it all though, just like Bill Gates' evil robot twin. It controls the entire ONI organization." The Captain pressed the intercom button on the ship's control panel, "All hands, buy me some time, I have one last thing I want to do.... Oh, and officers, come to the bridge..." the captain flipped off the intercom, quickly realizing his mistake, "And the kitchen, bring the three kinds of Mountain Dew. On the double crewmen!"
"Why would it get to be the god sir? So you will have some false idol to pray to as we die?"
"Good god man! Pull yourself together! Lord Redfire will get us out of this mess!"
"Actually, sir, I think that there is nothing left for me to do. I can bitch all I like, but you will continue to kill the crew of this ship. I am just going to sit back and relax while we all die..."
"Well... I can do this without your help!"
The door suddenly hissed open. A dozen well armed Marines and crewmen stepped through the door and locked it shut.
"Guys, I have a question. You see, I'm mixing the three kinds of mountain dew, and I was wondering what you wanted to call it." The captain said.
"Sir! The Covenant are boarding the ship! Half of the crew has been slaughtered and more of the Covenant just keep coming! You have to--" a large ispanic commando said.
"Well, so anyway, I wanted to call it Redfire, but the idiot here got mad because of fire not being a part of any of the other words. So he said I should call it Redwire, but then--"
"Sir! Hundreds have died! You have to help us!"
"Don't interrupt me like that! Lord Redfire will help us! M Now, crewmen, marines, I need you to vote. You can be the Redwarriors that serve to defend the sacred planet of warfare, Lunar 4!"
"That's it! Back out to the enemy dissident! None shall insult the great lord redfire!", the commando ran out the door. "Alright, the rest of you, you need to vote. Redwire or Redfire?"
6 Marines rose their hands for each. The Captain counted their hands for several minutes before coming to the conclusion that they were alike.
"Sir, the Covenant boarding parties have nearly killed all of the crew. We may be the only ones left, sir!"
"Don't you sir me boy! This ship isn't going down with Lord Codelive on it!"
"Isn't it redfire?" a crewman asked.
The wall suddenly exploded inward. Flaming shrapnel killed most of the marines and crewmen on the bridge. The original crewmen spoke his last words, "No sir, that is red fire, the flaming pieces of shrapnel that just killed a dozen of the UNSCs finest. Well skipper, I would like to congratulate you on killing us again. Third time's a charm."
"For Redfire!" the captain shouted, running to the front of the ship. He flipped open a small glass cover and pressed the red button within, "God bless the color Red!" Explosions ripped the ship apart.