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Fan Fiction

A Halo Comedy (Very Original Title...)
Posted By: Dispraiser<dispraiser@netzero.com>
Date: 2 June 2003, 1:30 AM

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      "So... The battle. It still continues?"

      "I'm sorry sir, it looks like you knights are unskilled in the art of warfare."

      "Silence! What's the score?"

      "Well, blue team has eight members down, two remaining, and red team has... Ten members down, none remaining. How long has it been like that."

      "Three hours, eighteen minutes. I've been waiting for someone to turn."

      "What! You mean you knew and didn't tell me! I just wasted three hours of my life sitting here and you are telling me that I didn't have to!"

      "Three hours isn't that much."

      "It is when you..."he tunred on the viewscreen to reveal a fleets-worth of UNSC ships destroyed and some purple specs advancing from the distant stars, pulse laser blasts coursing everywhere. "Have under thirty minutes to live!" The Navigator yelled.

      "Well I'll be... I thought I killed the purple one."

      "You can't kill it. It was never alive. It's made of metal."

      "Yes you can."

      "No, you can't. Captain, what should I order the crew to do?"

      "Order a fight to the death in the galley."

      "I can't do that skipper, you know it."

      "I know what?"

      "Well, our galley was blasted out. We have a gaping HOLE IN THE SIDE OF OUR SHIP!"

      "Damn pool games... Getting out of hand again I see..."

      "No, that's their fault." The navigator extended a hand to the viewscreen, which showed a few Covenant warships blasting whatever remained of the small battlegroup.

      "Visiting teams... No respect for the equipment because it's not on their dime."

      An explosion coursed through the ship and a bloodcurdling scream of alarms roared deafeningly. Red light suddenly bathed the bridge.

      "Red team! Victory!"

      "No sir. Our team. Loss."

      "Who said I was on Blue?"

      "Well, actually, I meant that we were... You know, dead meat."

      "Switch to the battlefield. See how the teams are faring." The camera changed, showing a darkened corridor with two men running through it. They carried a pack of paper and a small straw. Suddenly the walls exploded inwards, the teams disappearing in the fire and two golden Elites jumping through the wall out of a purple boarding craft.

      "Hey skip. Did you notice something about the teams?", the Lieutenant said.


      "Look closely. Do those look like people to you?" The mandibles on one of the Elites twitched as it barked out some order in it's native tongue to a squad of Grunts that followed it out the small opening.

      The Captain leaned towards the screen, squinting and held a hand up. He began to lower his fingers, looking first at the navigator, and lowing four fingers, then to the screen, lowing the four on his other hand. He looked back and fourth again, leaning back.

      "Yep, they're human. I can tell by the way they have two arms and two legs." The captain smiled, proud of his achievement and raised his chin. The navigator hit the screen, pointing at the Elite.

      "That sir, is the enemy. We know them as Elites. They may have arms and legs, just like us, but they are not like us. Look at how it is different from you or me."

      "What? Don't be a racist Lieutenant. Just because he is yellow doesn't mean.." The navigator clutched his heart and fell to the ground violently, twitching. "What's wrong?" he waited for a few second, staring at the navigator as he began to turn pale. "Lieutenant? Crap." The captain ran to the wall and grabbed a small mallet, shattering the glass that contained his last lifeline. Below the window, which he had shattered, it said, "In case of dire emergency, break glass." The captain extracted simple black rod with a white tip, no longer than a half meter and stared in awe at it. His Magic Wand. He quickly ran to the collapsed navigator as the ship again rumbled and whined under stress from the damage and began to chant some lines. He snapped the wand downwards and waited for the navigator to arise from the dead. He stood waiting as another explosion course through the ship. Suddenly the viewscreen crackled on and one of the Golden Elite's faces appeared.

      "Human, we have--"

      "Wait, just a second, aren't you Human?"

      "No, I'm an Elite, the one chosen by the Grunts to kick the crap out of them on a daily basis and beat the superior Hunters for their victories over scum like you."

      "An Elite you say..." the captain scratched his chin, "How good are you at spitwad wars?"

      "I have never participated in this event. Pathetic Human--"

      "I'll bet you'd be great at it... You have this tings by your mouth, and they might help to get some extra... Vroom... When launching a spitwad."

      "Right..." The Elite stood for a second thinking, "Alright Earth Human, I will join your team, but you see, there is the problem, your door is locked shut and I cannot get into the bridge to find your home, er, talk to you."

      "How did a couple of nice people like you get locked out..." The Elite chuckled, looking at his friend. "Oh well, I'll need to get one of those lackeys from engineering up here tomorrow..." he pressed a few buttons and the door slid open. The Elite laughed and shot im in the chest, running to the navigational controller. "So does this mean you're on the team?" the Elite shot him again.